• Is this part of a larger piece? The characters nature really comes through. I like the grit and dirty feeling of the writing. I also like that the character wants to help the women. The word count makes it tough, but I’d like to have a more complete ending. This feels too open to be a complete story. But good work breathing life into a short…[Read more]

  • I’m am very intrigued with this piece. I need to go back and read the previous prompts for this story. You have very vivid descriptions, and I really enjoy your style. Although her pink cheeks feature prominently in her description. Is there another aspect you can describe to show her emotions?

  • Claire,
    I agree that grammar is not a huge issue. It gets better with time. I like the premise of this story. One recommendation I have is to show more and tell less. Sounds cliche, but if you can add in Amelia’s physical reactions and emotions . I love the line “this was war, but not the war we all know.”

  • I love the the line she “presses the button like it personally offends her”. Very vivid visual. The twist to fight over who doesn’t want the money. I know the prompt was short. 750 words is not a lot to work with, but if you’re developing the story more, I’d like to get to know each character more. Expand the description of their connection with Grimaldi.

  • Thanks for reading !

  • Jane Dubois is the Kearny High School goddess. That thought replayed in Brett’s head as he wiped his sweat-slick palms on his jeans. The tulip-lined path that led to Jane’s front door could have been the len […]

    • This is a cute story, Linne, and I was glad that things fell into place so smoothly for both of them. You had me a little worried when you described the father’s eyes going wide with shock, and I wondered why. I liked your choice of words to describe the emotions Brett was feeling. This works well as a ‘Young Adult’ fiction piece 🙂 Thank you for sharing!

  • Thank you for reading Susan.

  • Thanks for reading! I’m not sure why that paragraph is split. It is definitely a formatting mishap. I will update my version. Thanks for catching it.

  • You have very lovely descriptions, and I do love the premise of the story. It has a heartbreaking ending. With a clean up of punctuation and clarification of the time shift, this story can really shine. Also dialog tags or descriptions that clarify who is speaking will lead the reader along nicely. I love that you meet the prompt in a sly way.…[Read more]

  • Surprise ending!!!! So great. It was such a punch in the gut. whew. What a ride. The second person choice was very unique. (Just a small note: you slip into first person at the end.) I like the choice of second person. It was like an out of body experience. Being in it but not. Good job on meeting the prompt.

  • That word count is a killer. But it’s also fun to really trim down prose and get to the essence of the character and story. I think you achieve that here.

  • Thank you Christine! This actually part of a longer piece. I didn’t know how well it would go over cutting it off for the word count, but it works okay. I appreciate your feed back about the unusual touches. I will definitely use them sparingly.

  • I really love this story. Engaging and fast-paced. I really feel for Stella. You did an amazing job of squeezing in all the feels in such a short word count. I also loved that it ended on a note of hope.

  • Oh wow. Loved the wink at the end. This is a very interesting take on the prompt. One thing to watch out for is past tense and “was, have, had”. Those words get over used, but nothing a quick find/replace can’t fix. It will strengthen your prose. But man that twist at the end. So good. I was getting nervous for Martin. Wondering how in the world…[Read more]

  • Marty bit the top of her fountain pen, releasing a metal tang on her tongue. “Janelle, thank you for coming in today. Based on this interview you are certainly qualified for the job. Let’s put you in touch wit […]

    • Great read Linne. Fast paced, with believable characters and you really captured the dynamic of an office under pressure.
      I loved Paul’s blunt dialogue. It gave energy and differentiated the characters, and I loved some of the unusual touches ‘like Eeyore on a sunny day’ (although I’d suggest use these sparingly, I think you’ve got the balance about right and there are some gems in here, but more could distract from the story).
      I’d love to read more.

    • Thank you Christine! This actually part of a longer piece. I didn’t know how well it would go over cutting it off for the word count, but it works okay. I appreciate your feed back about the unusual touches. I will definitely use them sparingly.

    • Well that was rude and unprofessional of Paul to yell that out where everyone could hear it. 🙂 This was a very engaging story, Linne. Very believable and likable characters. One, not so likable. 🙂
      For some reason the ‘wrong place, wrong time’ paragraph was split. Accident?
      Thanks for sharing.

      – Ismael

    • Thanks for reading! I’m not sure why that paragraph is split. It is definitely a formatting mishap. I will update my version. Thanks for catching it.

    • Great sense of place. You definitely get an office feel with the way you describe what people are doing. I also liked the jarring change in voice when Paul starts yelling. Good on Janelle for fessing up. I hope Paul’s wrong in assuming the next fuck up is a when, not an if. Sue 🙂

    • Thank you for reading Susan.

  • I love dialogue. Its the best way to move a story. It is used well here. I did miss the fact that she was his muse, but read it in the comments and I liked the story waaaay more when that piece was placed for me. A the duality of the muse. This really resonates with me, but if you made that stronger in the story somehow, it could be a stronger…[Read more]

  • This is a heart-warming story. I love the main characters angst and pride. Like mentioned above the ending is a bit abrupt, but the word count will do that to you. If possible outside the contest it would be nice to end with Sam’s first day volunteering. Since the word count is limited you could try to use the dialogue tags to your advantage.…[Read more]

  • Thank you Nonie.

  • Yes, I agree with that. I’m excited to read what you come up with next.

  • This was very 13 Reasons Why meets Heathers. I love the journal format very creative. Also space saving to meet the word cap. Hats off. I really enjoy the absolute slap in my face at the end when he cuts his own throat. I even yelped out loud while reading it. I am curious about the emotional ramification for the coalition. Watching someone kill…[Read more]

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