I really enjoyed this Glen.
I could see where you were headed with the punchline,but your delivery of the details is what makes this work IMHO.
The man’s self-loathing which you showed so well, and then to be gifted that news but the best ,was your closing line..mail me the poem. Classic.
I thought you wrote this really well.
My only nitpick is your narrators voice- I got pure female…not a male protagonist.
Yes,there are more sensitive males out there,but the observations and details screamed woman to me.
I found I also wanted more ‘ feeling’ from ‘him’ when he got dumped. Considering he was so smitten with her in the…[Read more]
you have such a great, creative imagination. all your stories are slightly ‘off-kilter’ and I mean that in the nicest,best way – love how you develop your plots from the most normal random things – I mean.. a dog called Horace?? and I have to know what made you land on Ventor as a name?? here in South Africa that is quite the cliche’d joke.
if I…[Read more]
You have such a flair for workd building. This was an enjoyable ‘new’ experience for me-to witness Earth thru your MC’s perspective.
Got a teeny lost in the jargon ,perhaps build up to it until the reader is fully conversant in this world.
Loved the reference to Attenborough , very fitting in context❤
So difficult to come into the story midway with no idea of past developments.
I call this scene a bridging scene, setting up the pinch point that launches the next action/reaction sequence.
For this reason I would incl a tidbit of climax, be it a bit of info she unearthes in say,a nurses daily log, that sets her off chasing down a…[Read more]
Aahhh okay…so historical fact? : the Queen Mother ? – yes I can only imagine what was going thru her mind with all the pomp and ceremony…in such a far out place. I’ve been to Australia but never Canberra…not exactly the hotspot tourist destination I dont think…Hopefully in the future I can remedy that 🤗
This is beautiful .
The contrast in how much emotion you conveyed in the telling of the old man’s life experiences versus the callousness and emptiness of the narrators distraction by a single simple phonecall highlights the differences between the two generations – its a hard-hitting punch to the gut.
Have we lost our empathy and compassion…[Read more]
There is a certain longing that underscores your tribute to your mother , and resignation that you are becoming her – am glad you also highlighted the positives because I am sure she was much more than the sum of her failing health.
I found this poignant and a little sad
It definitely has the potential and with a bit of rework, correct choice of word/phrasing you’ll achieve that lyrical beat.
Your disdain of politicians shines through- love it!.
Also like the ref to a future king and Queen…sort of lends a magical,fairytale quality to your story.
Kim commented on the post, The Classified Incident at Area 52 by Dionne Foley 1 month, 4 weeks ago
I liked your set-up ,great details but then the ending felt rushed to me, like you quickly had to get the djin in before the ending or you ran out of words- its all a matter of pacing.
Another small edit: acutely aware not adequately.
Great potential in this – a great mish-mash of magic and sci-fi .
Would love to know what you…[Read more]
Some great one-liners in here. 😁
The post-coital got me as well…clearly an age-related phenomena 😆
I am curipus about your narrators voice – is it meant to be a woman ? I kept checking it was you writing this…but so many references to a female MC?
Any,it was a great,sharp-witted account. Good work!
This was intriguiging – is there another installment I may have missed somewhere?- it feels like you pick up in the middle of another story . If that was your intention then good,if not and this is meant as a standalone, then you possibly need a stronger opening that eliminates any confusion for the reader.
I like your description…[Read more]
I thoroughly enjoyed your preachers internal monologue, he does indeed come across as the lecherous old fart. And your scene placement was very good, all those descriptions appealing to the senses put me right there .
I just didnt get the ending bit – so she actually follows him….and he takes it as a sign to do…what exactly? Its a little…[Read more]
the brevity of this one Charles, and returning to your theme of the ocean which seems to mirror a troubled heart, is really compelling. And awful at the same time. does that make sense?
That last line of just letting..everything sink away till you’ve drowned? – well that is going to haunt me for awhile …
- Load More
Membership Level: 12 Short Stories in 12 Months