I love how you used the main character’s type A personality throughout the tale. It gives a very natural feel to the story. Well done.

Agony of a modern couple over unplanned pregnancy is captured well. The sentences take the story forward and reading is breezy. Conflict between being boring, read planned, and sporadic, read disastrous, is captured quite well. Just that the end seems incomplete. Nice work, Kali.

This story was really interesting. Being spontaneous can be interesting, but terrifying at the same time. Who knows what will happen now? It could be one of the best things in her life. Doesn’t make it any less scary, though.
Great story.

This was a fun read. I like how you bring me into your character’s head and how something like a simple word, can fester for days in ones mind. I think I could read an entire book about this couple. Having a kid is definitely sporadic. Keep it up.

I like how you set her up as a very organized, routine-oriented person in the beginning and by the end of it she’s learned to go with the flow and pivot with the new circumstances. Nice character arc in a great short story!

I enjoyed your story, Kali. You did a great job of defining your characters through their actions and not words. Good take on the prompt. Thanks for sharing.

Great story Kali. Oh the best laid plans. I love how you develop your MC and elude to the fact that children throw planning out the window. I wish her the best of luck trying to stay so organized after the birth.

The piece flowed well and was easy to read. Although I could tell what was coming, I still enjoyed it and marveled at just how detailed her record keeping was. I struggle to organize and plan, but it is a goal of mine to improve. I don’t know if I would reach her level though.

Well done and thanks for sharing.

Edgy, powerful piece of writing! I love the social media element of it and how everything seems so perfect but real life is messy. You capture it beautifully.

It was a great read. So spot on for all that everyone is going through. Everyone has a different story, and you told this one very well. Thanks for sharing.

Hey again Kali and how goes it? Wonderfully built up, first with imagery then with conversation. This episode is necessarily slower than the last but you have kept up the tension well. However, I am not sure though if Isla’s level headedness works after two days sleeping rough, especially considering her extremely protected upbringing. I wonder what she ate and drank and what she looks like now. Perhaps you could have spoken about this and let reader surmise how long she had been wandering the train station for? You do refer to “all the lectures her mother gave her” but in passing. Perhaps this helped? Anyway, thanks for another cool episode and as always, feel free to ignore my input. Very best regards and can’t wait for next chapter. Seyi

Hi Kali,

I enjoyed this episode. I’m glad to see you continuing this story, as it was compelling. You do a good job of painting a picture while still leaving tension and more questions.
I would have liked to see more happen specifically in this episode. It felt like like a nice introduction to the Second-Hand Girls, but not much else.

Very nice episode. I am curious to see who the voice belongs to and also for her to find out what she has questions about. You kept my interest and the story gave a clear picture of her surroundings and emotions. I find myself telling instead of showing, and I think you told in this episode. If you give the reader descriptions instead of facts, they can use their own imagination. Really enjoyed this story. It is full of suspense.

Hi there, Kali, I enjoyed reading your story and finding out more about Isla. You described the places very well and kept up the tension throughout. Thank you for sharing.

Hello Kali! I liked the twist of the Second Hand Girls, having us wondering, is Isla gonna be saved or not? Additionally, you are pretty adept at being descriptive about the spaces you mention, it sets the scene nicely. If I may make a suggestion, I would like to see a little more conflict in Isla. If she has lived her whole life devoted to a religious code, and now the same people who taught her that spat her out, shouldn’t she be at a complete loss of identity? Of course she could still be in shock, but in general I felt that she could have been more distraught about what has happened to her. Of course, this is purely constructive feedback, if it is helpful to you, great, if not, you don’t have to listen to me 😛
Keep writing, looking forward for the next part 🙂

Hello Kali and thanks for this story. The pacing, the tension, the atmosphere you generate are all terrific. Isla’s narration is awesome and her internal monologue really shows the horror of hers and her parents’ existence. Very very nice (and subtle) twist in teh end, about Maribelle and her intentions. All round wonderful writing and only thing I can point to is a typo where you refer to “Mr Etan,” (just as he goes to address Maribelle in the shop). Well done and all the best, Seyi

Your writing is magnetic! You have artfully captured a mood overall that builds with the story until the end. You have left enough up to the reader’s imagination to guess what really happened without giving anything away and painted a great picture of Isla. This is a well-written story and I wish you all the best!

As above, keeping an eye on spelling through editing is important but in no way did the errors detract from the story.

Hello,
I agree with above. The atmosphere of the story is wonderful, and creates a picture of a rich world in a short amount of time. Great job of showing, and not telling. Intense at points! You really feel for all of these girls.

Wow, this grabbed me and held me. You established your characters so well and your use of present tense makes it more immediate. Is this the beginning of a longer story? I felt as if Isla had a lucky escape and couldn’t help wondering if Maribelle does this to save young girls from both their stifling society and Mr Eton. Well done.

Loved your story. You described her feelings and the setting so I was able to get into the story. I read it twice, and got more information the second time. I also think that Maribelle is using her declarations to get these girls away from this society. Was that what you were trying to portray? I would like to see what happens at 82 Rose Street. Nice story.

Hi Sharon! Thanks for the read and the comments. Yes, that was my goal with Maribelle. In February, I will be continuing Isla’s story and what happens at 82 Rose Street 🙂

Hi Kali! I read your story because I was about to read 82 Rose Street and to my delight I realised it was a story in serial form! Congratulations! I enjoyed the twist of having Maribelle being somebody who apparently is trying to help, under the pretence of weeding out the ‘sinful’ ones. I would have liked a few more details on her appearance, as well as Leader Hanson’s. Then again, one can’t include everything in such a short word limit 🙂