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  • Lena cradles a mug of coveted coffee in her hands and stares at the dots blinking on her screen. Zak is in the barracks, likely asleep after completing drills all night. Mother and Father are at home, where they […]

  • Hi Per,

    Thanks so much for the feedback! I’m making note of them 🙂 Some of those confusions are hopefully clearer when the scene is read in context the the previous scenes (like Ori’s human state lol), but they are great to keep in mind. As always, thanks for reading!

  • Lol, thanks Tim! Sorry you are getting some of these scenes out of context. Regardless, I am glad they are engaging!

  • Hi Chantel,
    Things are slightly tricky because last year I wrote parts of the beginning of the story for 52 scenes, then focused primarily on the middle of the story. I am looping back to the beginning now to sort some things out before I finish the end of the story. This scene is something I’ve written/introduced before and reworked, so I agree,…[Read more]

  • Thanks, Cheryl!

  • Hi Per,
    This is a great question and one I struggled with as well, but I think I was trying to portray that while action for a Destroyer is usually destructive, it does not have to be, that perhaps through destroying, one can actually heal things. I’ll have to think about that line and whether it portrays that meaning as I intended.
    Thanks for…[Read more]

  • Thanks, Cheryl! I am still playing with how both the Chiratri and Custosori play into this story and how their motivations interact with Miren and Ali.

  • Thank you, Chantel!

  • Thank you for the thoughts, Tim! I appreciate it and will play with letting that story line stay below the surface to a point.

  • Hi Chantel,

    Thank you for noticing that and the tip! I’ll keep it in mind as I continue on and as I revise.

  • Background Note: This scene continues with Lena as she tries to figure out where Miren went and how to get her back. Issax is Lena’s boyfriend. Theodoren Stone is the Minister of Peace and Security in Tareth, the […]

    • Hi Kali. The lore presented in this scene is very interesting, and its presentation is so compelling. The interactions in this scene are dynamic, dropping exposition in quite a gripping, well-paced manner. Besides the repetition here and there, it reads quickly, in the sense that the reader doesn’t want to stop reading. I really love this layer to your story, and I look forward to more of what you’re fleshing out here. Well done xxx

    • Hi Kali,
      it is awesome to read about the beginning of the story, to get the context. I like how you use the props (journal, counter, pen and paper) which gives us an idea of their body language. Nicely done!

      All the dialogue flows really well, but the 1st three lines confused me a little (even though I know what you want to say… I think ha ha ha). In the 1st line, her stare pins Isaax in the chest (so I thought she was super short or he very tall) but then in the 3rd line, their eyes are locked.

      Looking forward to next week!

      //Per

    • agree with Per. It is almost a backstory of how Miren gets to Aethia. Is Hofamns daughter Ali? In spite of not understadning everything it is still such a pleasure to read, the dialogue and exposition is exceptional. I feel as though Iam in the kitchen with them. It is also clever the way she recalls the lectures as a way to remind (tell) the reader that Issaxs father is an expert in the gateway.

  • Great work, Chantel! I love seeing the relationship with Junia and Tom. Their characters are developing really nicely. This scene does a good job of continuing to build on the tense relationship between Junia and Simon, making me wonder what difficulty lays between them. I also enjoyed the hints at Junia’s past that she still carries with her t…[Read more]

  • Hi Per,
    Excellent scene! I love the dialogue between Stu and Lee. It is believable and the tensions of their history and differences in rank are palpable. A couple thoughts:

    • The internal dialogue Stu has at the end of the scene is important for understanding who he is and his past. I wonder about spreading that internal dialogue out as he is…

    [Read more]

  • Great work, Tim! As always, you leave us with a zinger of a last line that just begs us to come back for more. I like the fast pace of the scene and the contrasting personalities of Joshua and Rudolph. This may be me not remembering, but have Maria and Joshua met before? He seems familiar with her beyond just being an acquaintance and I think it…[Read more]

  • Hi Cheryl,
    I love the exchange between Seona and Maxie- that cat is so sassy and I love it! When I first read the scene I was a bit confused about what was going on then realized this was some back story. Where do you see this scene fitting in with the other scenes you’ve written so far? I really like it and enjoy how it shows us who Seona is as…[Read more]

  • Note: I am going to take a detour from Miren, Ali, and Galiahn and bounce over to Miren’s sister Lena on Tareth. I wrote this scene last year for 52 scenes and have done a bit of a rewrite with it to make it work […]

    • Very interesting scene. Nice flow with the dialogue. You can feel Lena’s agony losing her sister. Good transition into the Hall of Relics.

    • Hi KaliI’m sorry I didn’t know about this layer to the story before reading all the previous scenes. I would have read them completely differently, assuming this is something you’ve introduced before. Your third-person perspective writing is quite captivating. You seem more comfortable with it. I’m sorry if I’m wrong, that’s just how it comes across to me. This scene, for me, is one of your most emotive and gripping. Very well done! xxx

      • Kali replied 1 week ago

        Hi Chantel,
        Things are slightly tricky because last year I wrote parts of the beginning of the story for 52 scenes, then focused primarily on the middle of the story. I am looping back to the beginning now to sort some things out before I finish the end of the story. This scene is something I’ve written/introduced before and reworked, so I agree, it has a slightly different feel to it. Thank for the feedback!

    • Hi Kali
      you have such an imagination – this world must be so obvious to you as the uniqueness comes across clearly without being cliched. The tension of the satchel search before the authorites got there was palpable. I have no idea what’s going on but I enjoyed it.

      • Kali replied 1 week ago

        Lol, thanks Tim! Sorry you are getting some of these scenes out of context. Regardless, I am glad they are engaging!

    • Hi Kali,
      I agree with the previous comments. Nice scene, and yet another world… amazing!

      A couple of my thoughts that might be helpful.

      • I got a bit confused in the beginning about where Lena was (as there was only 1 care on the road) but just adding the word “other” will solve that (the only other car on the otherwise empty…)
      • To make a spinning turn, we learnt to use the hand break and not “the breaks” as the hand break handles the front wheels and let the car spin around when applied together with a twist of the steering wheel.
      • I got lost for a second when we entered Rias’ world. Is he currently under the road where Lena lost Miren?
      • I thought (due to the collar) that Ori was a dog… HA HA HA HA

      Looking forward to follow Lena’s story for a while as it will give us more background

      //Per

      • Kali replied 1 week ago

        Hi Per,

        Thanks so much for the feedback! I’m making note of them 🙂 Some of those confusions are hopefully clearer when the scene is read in context the the previous scenes (like Ori’s human state lol), but they are great to keep in mind. As always, thanks for reading!

  • Hi Tim,

    Nice work! I love the twist at the end that Benni is her lover and her banter with him is spot on. Eva and Felix both are despicable and I look forward to seeing how the tangled web they are weaving ends up trapping them in the end (at least that’s what I am rooting for!).

  • Great scene, Per! I am so enjoying these scenes where they are piecing things together. A couple notes for when you revise:

    • There were some typos towards the beginning (a half finished sentence in the second paragraph, that sort of thing)
    • As Julie said as well, it does seem slightly odd for Sarah to share her insights if she doesn’t want the…

    [Read more]

  • It is interesting learning Baxter’s back story. It gives a bit of a clue about the adventure to come to get Getty’s husband back. Getty still seems suspicious to me- I think maybe Eira decided to trust her too quickly- and I am glad to see Brice still doesn’t trust her. Going on an adventure with someone you don’t fully trust, especially when…[Read more]

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Kali

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@kali_mccrackin_goodenough

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