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  • You’re so damn anal, Laura. Can’t you do something sporadic for just once in your life?

    I know he didn’t mean it and was possibly a little drunk after the fundraiser that night, but Dax had never accused me of be […]

    • I love how you used the main character’s type A personality throughout the tale. It gives a very natural feel to the story. Well done.

    • Agony of a modern couple over unplanned pregnancy is captured well. The sentences take the story forward and reading is breezy. Conflict between being boring, read planned, and sporadic, read disastrous, is captured quite well. Just that the end seems incomplete. Nice work, Kali.

    • This story was really interesting. Being spontaneous can be interesting, but terrifying at the same time. Who knows what will happen now? It could be one of the best things in her life. Doesn’t make it any less scary, though.
      Great story.

    • This was a fun read. I like how you bring me into your character’s head and how something like a simple word, can fester for days in ones mind. I think I could read an entire book about this couple. Having a kid is definitely sporadic. Keep it up.

    • I like how you set her up as a very organized, routine-oriented person in the beginning and by the end of it she’s learned to go with the flow and pivot with the new circumstances. Nice character arc in a great short story!

    • I enjoyed your story, Kali. You did a great job of defining your characters through their actions and not words. Good take on the prompt. Thanks for sharing.

    • Great story Kali. Oh the best laid plans. I love how you develop your MC and elude to the fact that children throw planning out the window. I wish her the best of luck trying to stay so organized after the birth.

      The piece flowed well and was easy to read. Although I could tell what was coming, I still enjoyed it and marveled at just how detailed her record keeping was. I struggle to organize and plan, but it is a goal of mine to improve. I don’t know if I would reach her level though.

      Well done and thanks for sharing.

  • March 19, 2020
    The snow is just sticking to the ground when the news breaks. It is after five and though I have been anticipating it, expecting it even, the order sends me into a scramble. The essentials have been […]

    • Edgy, powerful piece of writing! I love the social media element of it and how everything seems so perfect but real life is messy. You capture it beautifully.

    • It was a great read. So spot on for all that everyone is going through. Everyone has a different story, and you told this one very well. Thanks for sharing.

  • The shop front is gritty, the windows so clouded by grime that I cannot see through them. It is a low building, stooped compared to the storied ones surrounding it. I check the paper in my hand again, though I […]

    • Hey again Kali and how goes it? Wonderfully built up, first with imagery then with conversation. This episode is necessarily slower than the last but you have kept up the tension well. However, I am not sure though if Isla’s level headedness works after two days sleeping rough, especially considering her extremely protected upbringing. I wonder what she ate and drank and what she looks like now. Perhaps you could have spoken about this and let reader surmise how long she had been wandering the train station for? You do refer to “all the lectures her mother gave her” but in passing. Perhaps this helped? Anyway, thanks for another cool episode and as always, feel free to ignore my input. Very best regards and can’t wait for next chapter. Seyi

    • Hi Kali,

      I enjoyed this episode. I’m glad to see you continuing this story, as it was compelling. You do a good job of painting a picture while still leaving tension and more questions.
      I would have liked to see more happen specifically in this episode. It felt like like a nice introduction to the Second-Hand Girls, but not much else.

    • Very nice episode. I am curious to see who the voice belongs to and also for her to find out what she has questions about. You kept my interest and the story gave a clear picture of her surroundings and emotions. I find myself telling instead of showing, and I think you told in this episode. If you give the reader descriptions instead of facts, they can use their own imagination. Really enjoyed this story. It is full of suspense.

    • Hi there, Kali, I enjoyed reading your story and finding out more about Isla. You described the places very well and kept up the tension throughout. Thank you for sharing.

    • Hello Kali! I liked the twist of the Second Hand Girls, having us wondering, is Isla gonna be saved or not? Additionally, you are pretty adept at being descriptive about the spaces you mention, it sets the scene nicely. If I may make a suggestion, I would like to see a little more conflict in Isla. If she has lived her whole life devoted to a religious code, and now the same people who taught her that spat her out, shouldn’t she be at a complete loss of identity? Of course she could still be in shock, but in general I felt that she could have been more distraught about what has happened to her. Of course, this is purely constructive feedback, if it is helpful to you, great, if not, you don’t have to listen to me 😛
      Keep writing, looking forward for the next part 🙂

  • Wow! I love the premise of this story and the mini world you have created with the fairies. I like that in your story, there is no leader for the fairies, and so they must overcome this barrier. One thing I am wondering about is maybe developing one of the fairies or a few of them a bit more into characters- I missed feeling connected to a…[Read more]

  • Hi Bev,
    First off, welcome to 12 short stories- you have an obvious talent for it! This is a fantastic story. I especially enjoyed the dialogue; it felt natural and carried the story along well.

  • Hi Bev and Sharon,
    This was exactly what I was thinking as I read the story too. You have created a super intriguing world and an engaging situation, but characters are what drive a story and plot. I wanted to see this world through a character’s eyes, especially, perhaps, through the eyes of one of the criminals sent to the islands. There is so…[Read more]

  • Really well done, Seyi!! I am not sure what more I can add to the feedback from others, but I wanted to compliment you on your word choice and your ability to create a sense of place. I could feel the environment though your descriptions and thought that your descriptions also did a great job showing us how your characters saw the world. Well…[Read more]

  • Hi Sharon! Thanks for the read and the comments. Yes, that was my goal with Maribelle. In February, I will be continuing Isla’s story and what happens at 82 Rose Street 🙂

  • Hi Bev! Thank you for the read and the positive comments. Yes, I am planning on my February story continuing Isla’s story. I am not sure if I will do a serial story for the whole year or just for a few months, but I thought I would try it out for the first few prompts. February’s prompt fits perfectly with my vision for the next part of the story,…[Read more]

  • Thank you Renee! I appreciate the read and the comments.

  • Thank you so much, Roz! I appreciate the read and the positive comments. The word count for these challenges is so good at making me write only exactly what is needed to convey the story without going overboard, as there simply aren’t enough words for that!

  • Thank you so much for the read and the positive feedback, Seyi! And thank you for pointing out the typo- missed that in my late-night editing session. I am glad that the twist with Maribelle came through but that it wasn’t too overt.

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  • I know what is coming before Maribelle stands up. My eyes bore into the back of her head during service, where she sits in the front of the congregation hall, her back rigid.

    I didn’t do it, I beg in my head, w […]

    • Hello Kali and thanks for this story. The pacing, the tension, the atmosphere you generate are all terrific. Isla’s narration is awesome and her internal monologue really shows the horror of hers and her parents’ existence. Very very nice (and subtle) twist in teh end, about Maribelle and her intentions. All round wonderful writing and only thing I can point to is a typo where you refer to “Mr Etan,” (just as he goes to address Maribelle in the shop). Well done and all the best, Seyi

      • Thank you so much for the read and the positive feedback, Seyi! And thank you for pointing out the typo- missed that in my late-night editing session. I am glad that the twist with Maribelle came through but that it wasn’t too overt.

    • Your writing is magnetic! You have artfully captured a mood overall that builds with the story until the end. You have left enough up to the reader’s imagination to guess what really happened without giving anything away and painted a great picture of Isla. This is a well-written story and I wish you all the best!

      As above, keeping an eye on spelling through editing is important but in no way did the errors detract from the story.

      • Thank you so much, Roz! I appreciate the read and the positive comments. The word count for these challenges is so good at making me write only exactly what is needed to convey the story without going overboard, as there simply aren’t enough words for that!

    • Hello,
      I agree with above. The atmosphere of the story is wonderful, and creates a picture of a rich world in a short amount of time. Great job of showing, and not telling. Intense at points! You really feel for all of these girls.

    • Wow, this grabbed me and held me. You established your characters so well and your use of present tense makes it more immediate. Is this the beginning of a longer story? I felt as if Isla had a lucky escape and couldn’t help wondering if Maribelle does this to save young girls from both their stifling society and Mr Eton. Well done.

      • Hi Bev! Thank you for the read and the positive comments. Yes, I am planning on my February story continuing Isla’s story. I am not sure if I will do a serial story for the whole year or just for a few months, but I thought I would try it out for the first few prompts. February’s prompt fits perfectly with my vision for the next part of the story, so that is helpful!

    • Loved your story. You described her feelings and the setting so I was able to get into the story. I read it twice, and got more information the second time. I also think that Maribelle is using her declarations to get these girls away from this society. Was that what you were trying to portray? I would like to see what happens at 82 Rose Street. Nice story.

    • Hi Sharon! Thanks for the read and the comments. Yes, that was my goal with Maribelle. In February, I will be continuing Isla’s story and what happens at 82 Rose Street 🙂

    • Hi Kali! I read your story because I was about to read 82 Rose Street and to my delight I realised it was a story in serial form! Congratulations! I enjoyed the twist of having Maribelle being somebody who apparently is trying to help, under the pretence of weeding out the ‘sinful’ ones. I would have liked a few more details on her appearance, as well as Leader Hanson’s. Then again, one can’t include everything in such a short word limit 🙂

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Kali

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active 5 months ago