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  • I am standing by the microwave at a truck stop ninety-six miles from home and I am about to lose my shit.

    It is pitch black outside, Interstate 80 is a sheet of ice, and people buzz around the stop, snatching […]

    • Ha ha! What a great story. I can actually feel your pain. Nicely done!

    • Hey Kali and how goes it? I have been on the road for a bit and have been unable to catch up on all the “Not my type” submissions until fairly recently. I have to ask, is this account in anyway autobiographical or spun from your imagination? If the latter, even more serious props are due. Descriptions are really good and taste, smell, sound all engaged to show the frustrations of the narrator. I feel you do this too well though, as the moment of flashback to the beginning of the trip (sentence beginning “Thirty-six hours before….”) shows even more unremitting pain, anxiety, tension and the reader begins to wonder what on earth could have motivated the narrator to plan and execute this trip. The payoff line is cool and (I believe) shows how family time, fund and games made the narrator forget the pain of travel. However, this reader wanted something a little bit more to explain the self flagellation that is going on (not sure what would have sufficed so apologies if this not really helpful). I did enjoy it and your writing, as always pulls the reader in very powerfully. I will never look at a mac and cheese the same way again. All the best for the end of this year and of course, for the next one. Regards, Seyi

    • Hi Kali,

      I read your story weeks ago and thought I had commented on it! I remember the nauseating feeling you created as I am not a mac a cheese person.
      Great sensory descriptions. I felt I was there, striving to get away from the microwave.

      I picked up on a few things for your consideration:
      Watch out for repetition. It’s to easy to do. 🙂 E.g. “…to, to someone ready to…”
      Perhaps a few too many “ly” adverbs with at least 5 instances of “just” which tends to detract from your intended purpose.
      I am sure “part way” should be “partway”.

      Thank you for sharing. Keep writing.

      Wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas and a happy new year.

      Best of luck for 2020.

      Cheers,
      Paul

    • Jane replied 1 month ago

      Hi Kali, I enjoyed your story. You used great descriptions and I could feel myself a part of that greasy, smelly roadhouse. The anxiety of your MC was really well captured as well. I picked up on one small error: The first spoonful of slightly crunch macaroni is a step above revolting – should be crunchy.
      I do like how as soon as she is home she starts to feel another road trip might be OK:))
      Well done and thanks for sharing.

    • Hi Kali,
      There are few travel stories that manage to keep me glued to my seat. Yours is one of them. You literally evoked a lot of emotions with your descriptions. I could relate to a lot of it. The part about eating before the trip, the long road ahead, the sheer exhaustion at even the thought of it – it all appeared so real. Wonderful piece of work. Thank you for sharing!

  • Seyi and Profile picture of KaliKali are now friends 1 month, 3 weeks ago

  • The bus lurches to a stop and Skylar steps out into the wet morning. The ad on the bus stop wall for Nichols & Associates, divorce lawyers, looks like it is weeping, drizzle sliding down its face. People pull up […]

    • Wow! This one kept my interest all the way through. Great dialogue and imagery.. I sure hope Skylar takes Paris on solo minus Drew. Fun Read.

    • Well done Kali. The sentence “The ad on the bus stop wall for Nichols & Associates, divorce lawyers, looks like it is weeping” is SO cool. I am extra pleased it also provided a key part of the story . You really went a different way and I really like this version. All the best and regards, Seyi

    • Hey Kali, i really enjoyed this story. I liked the ending on this version much better, it’s stronger and more realistic, although without Carley at the bank, she doesn’t really need to be in the first scene either. At any rate, it’s a great story and I agree with Charles, I hope she takes the ten grand to Paris and leaves Drew behind! Well done and good luck!

    • Hey Kali

      So that’s how you get $10K for a trip to Paris. Great story

      Good luck,
      Paul

  • This is a lovely story and one that is so relatable in its emotions. Leena is a likable character and I was hoping for good things for her throughout the piece.
    My advise echos Adam’s above, about paring down some of the descriptors so they can shine a little more, and tightening the writing just a little bit. The pacing at the beginning is…[Read more]

  • Thank you for all the feedback, everyone! The story started out with one idea, but it seems like another one sort of took it over. Your thoughts and comments have been really helpful and I have a new ending in mind. Now, to write it! Thank you!

  • Hi Tapan,
    Oh this is so relatable! The screaming of an infant is something that just destroys your will. I feel for Basanti!
    The baby cam adds a nice touch of tension to the story that I really enjoyed. The ending felt a little flat to me because so much had been hinted at with the baby cam, the dad watching, and the mom’s hushed phone call. I…[Read more]

  • Kali commented on the post, All WE need 2 months, 1 week ago

    Keep enjoying yourself! Writing should be a joy and I can feel that in this story.
    There were points where I got a little confused, like others have said, but you have great elements at play here. I love when the Devil shows his true self and your description of his clothes and jewelry melting off. It painted a great picture for me! With a…[Read more]

  • Thank you, Tapan! I am glad it is relatable- the drama of day to day life is interesting.
    Thank you for the read!

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Kali

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