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  • Hi Nancy,
    This is a strong scene with loads of details on a highly sensitive topic. Adding to what Per said, I think you have to be careful with this topic. My scene 19 was criticized for mentioning gender based violence without linking it to the story.
    I think readers are less interested in what happened to a character and more interested in…[Read more]

  • Thank you, Deb. I try to show some complexity and contradictions in Ben’s character. There will definitely be opportunity for him to grow. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  • Thank you, Nancy. Appreciate it!

  • Hi Hanri,
    Stunning scene! Their delicate movement towards each other and the blossoming of their feelings, spilling into intimacy was spectacular.
    I love ‘hugging herself against the breeze’ and ‘Her inhibitions were dimmed by the sudden tipsiness‘.
    I also love how you communicated her thoughts. Perfection!
    I was surprised at how Daniel opened…[Read more]

  • Hi Estelle,
    Good scene. I like how you colour in the friendship between Doc, Millie and Syd.
    The warm, delicious food at the beginning of the scene is a strong contrast to the cold, bitter facts about the victim’s cause of death. There is an almost frustrating tension in the scene a the reader anticipates new information being revealed by Doc…[Read more]

  • Hi Deb,
    I recently recommended to another writer to compile and post a character chart. I think it will help readers a lot to navigate a big cast. You have very interesting character and I don’t want to lose some of those nuances by trying to remember the relationships between the characters. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Hi Deb,
    This is a strong scene. Great action and intrigue. The descriptions are spot on. I love the added reflections. Beautiful!
    I think it can help to elude to a scene goal at the beginning with only one sentence to focus the reader back to the mission they set out on.
    The ending is perfect! I knew exactly who it was ๐Ÿ˜‰

  • Hi Deb,
    Great action scene! When they got on the bike I immediately got nervous!
    I like the contrast between the powerful bike and the thin mesh causing an impenetrable barrier. And then suddenly the barrier is gone. Wonderful object in your writing.
    I feel sorry for Corryn not getting a break. I guess that is the normal when you are a…[Read more]

  • Hi Deb,
    Another great installment. Octavia’s reveal was a well executed surprise. I love your world building skills. You describe the setting very efficient and effective. For example, the ladder down into the dark hole. The focus of this setting is: where does it end? Thus, Corryn asking and then touching the unknown solid is so sharply written.…[Read more]

  • Hi Deb,
    Thank you so much for your feedback. Yes, it is a minefield to navigate. I wasn’t happy with how I wrote about these sensitive topics. Chantel sent me some advice. I will aim to describe the situation ‘as is’ without giving opinions as the narrator or the characters.

    My girlfriend’s sister works for the UN in Cape Town and told us…[Read more]

  • Hi Hanri,
    Thank you. You gave me valuable insight. I will yield the ‘lost time’ theme more in the story.
    I don’t think Hulisani and Wilson mistrusts the Electrician. I wanted to show how Ben and Geoff’s pace slowed down as opposed to Wilson and Hulisani rushing to get the job done. They don’t have an interest in Geoff’s conversation.
    Cool! I…[Read more]

  • Hi Chantel,
    You did a fantastic job to introduce Olivia. I love the way you describe the space between the characters, their relations, and feelings towards each other. You have an eye for detail and a talent to elevate it.
    The list of characters has grow significantly. Do you perhaps have a character chart? I think it would help a lot if it…[Read more]

  • Hi Chantel,
    Thank you so much. I fixed most of the mistakes.
    Glad it worked well. I had to find a way to bring the opening issue in the novel back into focus, the girl who got run over in the street where Ben and Hulisani lives.
    Ben’s sudden care for Geoff was based on the empathy he developed for him following the revelation that Geoff was…[Read more]

  • Ben studied the conveyor belt that extracted ore from shaft bins and carried it on an incline high above the mine fences, barriers and gates towards the top of the massive concrete silo. The walkway attached to it […]

    • Hi JohnIโ€™m glad for a scene that reaches to the broader parts of the world youโ€™re building, and the revelation about Martin is an awesome addition! The mistakes in this scene are little silly ones that arenโ€™t like you. One to mention here is not putting commas before โ€˜butโ€™ in a few instances. The movement of this scene is very well-written; very natural, and you always capture the mine setting brilliantly. Well done on another compelling instalment.

      • Hi Chantel,
        Thank you so much. I fixed most of the mistakes.
        Glad it worked well. I had to find a way to bring the opening issue in the novel back into focus, the girl who got run over in the street where Ben and Hulisani lives.
        Ben’s sudden care for Geoff was based on the empathy he developed for him following the revelation that Geoff was tossed aside as a friend by someone he invested in. It will come out in the next scene. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Another great instalment in this story!
      “untouchable as the days that moved forward and never give [gave?] back lost time” is a great image – and I think lost time is a serious theme in this story, so great to work it into the metaphor.
      I couldn’t help wondering what Hulisani and Wilson knew / thought about the Electrician. They obviously don’t trust him. Why?
      Only thing I’d change is the “prompted his insistence” phrase in the mouth of the Electrician. That doesn’t sound like him. I think he’d use simpler words.
      You seem to have the whole story carefully worked out already, John. Everything makes perfect sense in your sequence.

      • Hi Hanri,
        Thank you. You gave me valuable insight. I will yield the ‘lost time’ theme more in the story.
        I don’t think Hulisani and Wilson mistrusts the Electrician. I wanted to show how Ben and Geoff’s pace slowed down as opposed to Wilson and Hulisani rushing to get the job done. They don’t have an interest in Geoff’s conversation.
        Cool! I need to round off Geoff’s character.
        I had to bring the opening scene conflict back into the limelight. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • This was a great scene.
      I’ve been waiting for the link back to the accident in the beginning.
      Descriptions in the mine are very good and clear this time. I’m not sure if it was because it wasn’t so detailed this time or because in previous scenes when they were detailed in depth I reread them. Either way it worked – I am now familiar with the mine setting. ๐Ÿ™‚
      This is a great scene.
      See you next week

  • Hi Estelle,
    BOOM! I did not see this coming! Wow! I am speechless!
    Fantastic scene! Beautiful descriptions! The tension just shot through the roof!
    I love the line: Mordacity oozed from every word.
    Excellent job! ๐Ÿ™‚
    Cannot wait for the next scene!

  • Hi Nancy,
    Good to see you back. Wow, so much details in Francesca’s back story. You are brilliant at world building and bringing in current affairs.
    I love the components of Francesca’s backstory.
    I think you can make the story even better when you let Francesca do something in the present, like visiting a cosmetics store and then remembering…[Read more]

  • Thank you, Chantel. Will do. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Hi Estelle,
    Thank you so much. Maybe I should give him a slap ๐Ÿ˜‰

  • Hi Hanri,
    such a beautiful scene! I love how deeply personal you wrote it.
    The question about Rebecca seeing herself as good enough has been building for many scenes. Wonderful that Daniel stepped in to support her. It also strengthens the his characterisation. The way he leads her to repeat after him gives me the impression that he is going to…[Read more]

  • Hi Chantel,
    Another fantastic scene. I love the tension between the characters. You have a well-crafted skill in creating images that elevate the portrayal of the charactersโ€™ emotions.

    I wonder what Tom will do with the knowledge that Fliss lied to him. So much complexity in the interaction between Tom, Junia and Simon.

    I love the r…[Read more]

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John

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@johns

Active 8 hours, 45 minutes ago
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