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  • Miniature woman in the window

    Resigned

    Perched on the ledge

    Resolute

    Headfirst hurtling down the height of Hampshire House

    Caught

    Piercing vibrant blue sky, ethereal clouds

    Halted

    Brown blood stained earth […]

    • Hello Teresa,
      Thank you for choosing a Frida Kahlo picture – she is one of my favourite artists, though her subject matters were often dark, like your poem. The single word lines add to the shock of the suicide. Well done.

  • Oblivious to the chatter at the tables, Raymond stared at the meal in front of him. He pushed his food to and fro across the plastic plate. His mind in turmoil.

    It wasn’t that he wasn’t grateful that tonight he […]

  • At the café on the sidewalkMy eyes are shaded, there’s no need to talkMy senses fully alert to smell and what I hearI see avoiding eyes – is it out of fear?Or possibly sheer ignorance?Afraid I’d ask a questi […]

    • Hi Estelle,
      I like the idea of the writer looking for inspiration in your poem. The end-rhymes work well. Who painted the picture?

    • Perhaps that’s what I should do to find inspiration for my stories – sit outside the pub and watch the world go by. (There must be something out there that would wake my sleeping muse. “What will it take for me to again find the urge?”)
      She could have been anyone – a woman waiting for her lover, a spy… I like that you made her one of us.

  • A man in a gray wool suit and matching tartan scarf took a copy of the tabloid from the exposed pile. A crooked smile formed on the left corner of his mouth as he read the headlines: “The bleachman strikes a […]

    • Oh my word, Zefira, what a creepy story, but in a good way, of course. I’ve heard of the boogeyman but never the bleachman, it seems he is much more to be feared! You’ve told a very convincing tale, I just I wonder what his motivation is for doing this to women, and wish there were some clues for me to ponder on. Anyway, I loved your tale, it’s engaging and interesting and I enjoyed it very much.

    • This was AWESOME!! I loved it. It was a full, complete story that had me reading right to the end. Love the idea (very original) and how you brought it to fruition. In this sentence I’d just change the “has” to “had” to keep the tense the same: “A mixture of worry and pain has been troubling her thoughts the whole day.” Great job! 

  • “Millie my dear, I followed my nose this morning. You know I can’t resist your baking,” Doc Mackley leaned over on the counter where Millie placed her steaming tray of scones. He closed his eyes and inhaled slowl […]

    • So someone else may have been there after Raymond. Or Raymond was lying. Maybe it was the voice? It’s all building very nicely. Well done.

    • I do hope it wasn’t Raymond – I have a soft spot for him. Great work of adding threads and building the mystery. Useful too to be reminded of other perspectives and not just David’s, though I do enjoy his POV.
      And a good reminder that Syd is a youngster – I think I’d pegged him as in his 50s, for no real reason. Good scene.

      • I’ve also grown fond of Raymond. 🙂
        Doc is near retirement but Syd and David are same age. They went to school together. They are early 40’s
        Thanks

    • Hi Estelle,
      Good scene. I like how you colour in the friendship between Doc, Millie and Syd.
      The warm, delicious food at the beginning of the scene is a strong contrast to the cold, bitter facts about the victim’s cause of death. There is an almost frustrating tension in the scene a the reader anticipates new information being revealed by Doc but then having to wait for it.
      Well done!

    • I love the banter between Millie and Ronald. Every town has a busy body and you’ve captured her so well. Great dialogue throughout.

  • Max and Harry walked home together after school, but Harry couldn’t come and visit as usual. Max was still grounded.“Didn’t your mum ground you for being late?” Max asked“No,” Harry smiled.“Why not? It’s not fair […]

    • Hi Estelle, you painted an atmosphere making the reality of it stronger. I believed they had made a wish and where on a pirate ship. What stories could be told in the adventures with those two stones! And what a surprise Captain Anne would have in the morning. Thank you for your story.

      • I don’t really write fantasy but really enjoying it.
        I am going to try and follow through with the Magic Stones in all the prompts this year.
        Thanks for reading.

    • Hi, Estelle What a delightful story and I love the adventures of these two. It reminds me of The Magic Treehouse children’s book series. I used to red it to my young kids at school. You write very believable dialogue for the boys and the pirates had just enough “pirate speech” to make the story entertaining. This could be a really cute children’s novel. I can see parents reading a chapter a night as a bedtime story. Good work, Sharon

  • Raymond smoothed the well-worn but clean sheet on the bed, then rolled them neatly, stacking it on the pillow and blanket. He returned the pile to the linen drawstring bag. When Gavin had handed Raymond the bag […]

    • Damn! How I wish I could turn the page right now. I have to wait a whole week for the next installment? Nooooo! Excellent scene. Well done.

    • So there is more to Raymond than meets the eye! So many questions to follow, and we’ll have to wait and see. The tension couldn’t be higher – well written, flowed really well. Great stuff

    • Hi Estelle,
      BOOM! I did not see this coming! Wow! I am speechless!
      Fantastic scene! Beautiful descriptions! The tension just shot through the roof!
      I love the line: Mordacity oozed from every word.
      Excellent job! 🙂
      Cannot wait for the next scene!

    • Oh dear, Raymond, Raymond, Raymond. What have you done? I have suspicions as to who the voice is. Can’t wait to see if I’m right. The tension was great, as were the two twists, the dialogue was great as well. My only thought was would Raymond go into that much detail with the voice? Perhaps it would be more logical if most of that section of the story was a memory for Raymond and he only gives the bare outlines to the voice?

  • David heard Angie in the shower, then all went silent. She wasn’t coming back down tonight. He opened the oak wine cabinet. The bottles rested on neat racks in rows, one above the other. Selecting a Shiraz, he t […]

    • I love that you’re bringing in the back story of Blue. Also, now Angie does not seem quite so crazy to me anymore. Great writing!

    • Good Job. It’s great to hear the backstory of both Angie and Blue. Makes Angie much more relatable. Well done.

    • Lovely mellow scene. I like this contemplative side of David. As the others have said, the backstory fleshes out their relationship, and both of them.
      I’m so slow – what a clever title.

    • Hi Estelle,
      I love the way you wrote both Angie’s and Blue’s back story. It feels real and effective. The setting is perfect. David contemplating things in his comfy living room with a glass of great wine. The contrast to Blue’s circumstances stands out.
      I also like the “finger pointing in the window”. Almost as if he doesn’t recognise himself and being at fault for not knowing what happened to Blue. Well done!
      A bit of advice: I think you should break up this sentence “Then there were the accusations that nearly ended their marriage and after the insistence of Angie’s mother off they went to marriage counselling.” As I have been in marriage counselling before, I think it is important to group the problems that led to counselling in one description and pool the counseling and outcome in another description. I will also show that it was a significant event and tedious process.
      Overall, a great scene! 🙂

  • I have no standard; lacking a pole

    What would my heraldic be anyway?

    Wing clipped bird? Custom caged?

    Identical weight grocery chickens?

    Who set those sizes, what role?

    Build a support lest we sway

    Grow […]

    • NetaQ replied 4 weeks ago

      I smiled when reading this piece! I love the titled Webster’s Standard. I love how you allow the reader to ruminate on the many ‘standards’ we are called upon to emulate or dictate. It is within all of us to conform as you so describe. Well done!!

    • Good exploration of one take on the prompt. Thought fodder.

    • Love the variety of interpretations of “standard” that you referenced, though I might substitute the word “heraldry” (noun) for heraldic or add a noun like ‘banner’ or ‘design’ for heraldic to describe. I especially like that you reject the notion that a standard (one size) can fit all!

    • Hi Terri,
      I like the pace and progression of your poem. My favourite line, ‘Average is normal is boring lukewarm’
      You ask, ‘Who set those sizes, what role?’ I’ve often wondered about that. Who sat around a table at the county council planning office and decreed the roof pitch must be such and such, etc. Do you remember the song about little boxes made of ticky tacky, little boxes all the same?

    • HI Teresa, I agree, setting standards is a terrible thing to do because none of us are alike. Schoolchildren especially suffer from this. I do see that some standards are necessary, though, but I think we must always remember that they are just a tool, a compromise. I like how you mentioned so many riduculous standards, like the ideal weight grocery childrn – I thought that was so funny. Well done!

    • Hi Teresa,
      I like the way your poem moves from looking at what could be on your personal heraldic standard / flag to considering the need for conformity to convention. Thanks for sharing this.

  • David passed the judge’s brown station wagon on his way into the courthouse parking area. One of a kind in Jacksville. The judge’s hallmark. David had seen officers turn a blind eye to a traffic violation of thi […]

    • Hi Estelle,
      Gosh that wife is a real nut case! One minute she’s exploding and then, as if a switch went off in her brain, she’s calm and interested in the case. This was a fast-paced scene, well done. I have a few questions though and it’s probably me being pedantic.
      The cashier who deals with money all day doesn’t have an electric money counting machine? Why did she flush when David took the money out of the bag?
      David says to Jason,”…let’s get going. We have work to do. We must get our client out of that cell today and the sun is setting. Let’s do this.” But we don’t see Jason after that?
      While technically twilight means ‘between light’, and refers to the time when the sun is below the horizon so could be early early evening or early morning, it’s most commonly used for the early evening time of day. Early morning before the sun rises but is still radiating light into the sky is more commonly called dawn. David’s musings on this pulled me right out of the scene while I rabbit-holed around researching the etymology of the word twilight.
      I really liked the fact that David thought further than just freeing Finch and taking him to the shelter, shows some humanity. Really would like to know why he’s so forgetful about his wife though. Any backstory there you could share in a future scene?

      • Worked on some back story for Scene 18. Hope it clears Angie up a bit.
        Thanks for all the feed back. All very useful.

    • Good action in this scene. I love how the timing changes-fast to slow and then fast again. The chess analogy is brilliant and I love this piece “David watched as the sun fell below the horizon. Soon it would be twilight, the period between sunset and full night or full night and sunrise. A time never clearly defined.” Excellent.

    • Hi Estelle,
      You managed to make the administrative process of posting bail interesting. I love the image of life being a giant chessboard and we all being pawns in a game.
      The woman paying her speeding ticket was really odd. In “I wasn’t even travelling that fast. Are you refusing to take my money?” there is both denial and admission of guilt. Not sure if you intended this contradiction.
      I think the middle section where David interacts with Penny and Jason doesn’t need to be presented in dialogue. A sentence or two of description is more than enough to explain David’s next action.
      David’s home coming is well described but I do feel slightly disappointed with the resolution. You built up a lot of tension between David and Angie about Finch’s case only to let her double down a couple of lines into the conversation. I think it would be perfect if Angie maintains her position. For example, if she ignores David and goes to bed without listening to him it would really put David in hot water and maintain the tension. It would show that his relationship with Angie is now very strained due to her not even engaging with him anymore. Overall this adds to the obstacles David needs to overcome to pursue this case. But I may miss the point. You are doing a great job. Just keep in mind build up and resolve. It needs to be satisfying to the reader.

      Overall, this is a strong story. I can’t wait for the lab results! 🙂

      • Thanks for all the feed back.
        This week I have tried to turn my story to give some back story. Hope it will help with some of my characters.
        Thanks for reading.

    • Hi Estelle, sorry for this being so late – I’ve not been very well, and failed to write at all last/this week which feels horrible!
      I disagree with John – I liked the incoherence of the frizzy lady, especially the last detail of alcohol on her breath which explained the confusion to me. People often don’t talk clearly or lineally. I found it very evocative of what it must be like to pay fines in a courthouse.
      I loved the chess analogy, and the humane and generous side of David, understanding Raymond’s need for ‘normal’.
      I also liked the scene with Angie, again I disagree with John (sorry John!). I think relationships are complicated, and emotions fluctuate. The shock of the revelation about the donation make well be enough to burst someone’s anger. I think it shows that she does love him (otherwise why be upset), and worry can quickly turn to relief. And it’s easy to forget to call someone when you’re swept up with the admin and emotions of releasing someone, especially someone you’re invested in. Great scene

      • Hi Jacqui,
        So sorry you felt so bad. Hope you are much better.
        Thanks for your input because it’s very difficult to keep characters true, so your remarks come as a bit of relief.
        Get well. ✨ 💐

  • How do we measure our day

    For more time we could pray

    Do we listen to good advice

    We should, or we’ll pay the price

    Do we set the bar too high

    Making it impossible to soar and fly

    Do we set the bar too l […]

    • Hi Estelle,
      I loved the title. It was apposite for the piece. The sentiments within the poem were expressed very well and were full of good advice. The only negative thing I would mention, and I had a problem with it as well, was the rhythm, which appeared just a little clunky. It’s so difficult to do, but it didn’t affect my enjoyment of your piece. Thank you for sharing.

    • Good day, very thought provoking questions on your poem, makes you to think about purpose, and the value in all the things we put our minds and hands to . love your last line. “Go out and enjoy it, live a bit slower”. enjoying every part of life experience !. thank you so much .

    • Hello Estelle,
      The poem works well as advice and the final two lines sum it up. Thanks for sharing it.

    • Love this. I think it speaks to me because I have a tendency to live in extremes. And you’re right-balance is the key.

  • What the hell is happening, thought David. Lifting the lid off the shoe box again he stared at its contents. Cash. Ten-, twenty- and fifty-dollar bills neatly stacked but not clipped. All used bills.David ran his […]

    • Superb. You’ve totally cracked portraying thoughts vs speech. It makes it flow so well.
      And what a great twist. There’s obviously so much more to Raymond than we know.
      Really good scene. Can’t wait for next week; David is in trouble!!

    • This is getting good and exciting. It’s got intrigue written all over it. Good dialogue that keeps the story moving forward. Nicely done.

    • Hey Estelle,
      I agree with Jacqie. The thought vs speech was excellent. Well done.
      It is all quite intriguing 😀 Perhaps a hint at either what note said, or David’s reaction to what he read would help increase the intrigue? I actually missed that there was a note in the first reading.
      He’s definitely in trouble with his wife!
      One thing… draw should be drawer

      • I’ve been working on the speech/thought thing 🙂
        The note was revealed when the parcel was delivered in a previous scene – the money is for Finch.
        Fixed the draw – thanks for that and thanks for reading.

    • John replied 1 month ago

      Hi Estelle,
      Gripping scene! I love the twist and the way David exploited the situation with Syd. Made me tingle with excitement!
      Loads of tension! Can’t wait to see how this plays out!
      Excellent job!

  • Jordan checked his to-do list for Saturday on the family planner board.

    “Okay, so I’ll pick up Miles at baseball practice at 3:00, then Gillian at the ballet at 3:30.” The telephone rang as he moved his index […]

    • Brilliant! The kidnappers let Miles go because Jordan thought it was Saturday and thought the kidnapping was a prank? I love it, especially the last line. Well done!

      • Thank you, Penny 🙂
        Actually, the kidnapping was fake. It was just Roy (Mile’s friend) testing Miles’ father. Jordan freaked up because he thought it was Saturday, and their kids were not where they were supposed to be on a Saturday. So, Jordan felt guilty for not rescuing his son. Maybe I let too much hidden between the lines.

        • I thought that might be the case, that it was a fake kidnapping, and Jordan did too, until he realized it was really Friday and began to think maybe he should have taken it seriously. You didn’t leave too much hidden, it was just right.

    • Hello Zéfira,A very simple way to tell a greats tory with a interesting twist and a important message.
      Nice read.
      Thank you for sharing! 🙂

  • Max slowly pushed open the squeaky back door. The evening sun had changed from orange, to pink, to shades of navy blue, casting their shadows onto the kitchen floor. It looked eerie. The kitchen was in […]

    • Couldn’t see the left hand of the story but I liked what I read. It left me wanting to know more about the stones.

      • I’m trying something new this year.
        Thinking of doing a novella about the boy’s adventures in Short Stories this year.
        I never do fantasy but because I’m doing 52 Scenes (murder) I thought I would try my hand at something completely different.

  • Ah the familiar ring tone, how did I ever keep in touch with all my friends scattered among the time zones without it?

    “Hiya Aimee! How’ve you been?”

    “Not to bad Tina, sorry I meant to call you over your birthda […]

    • Kim replied 1 month ago

      Dear Andre sounds very possibly gay! definitely too much of a good thing not to be a straight guy taking advantage….

      I enjoyed the authentic narrative of the whatsapp

      The tall, blond, gorgeous, funny, well-off, but married one?”- possibly pare this down a bit to allow the ‘dialogue’ to flow more smoothly?

      Tina definitely smoothed over the finer, juicier details

      Great stuff T – felt like a fly on the wall eavesdropping on this convo – well done!

      • Yes possibly — aren’t the most gorgeous hunks gay? Glad you liked it… I find it fun to play with all/mostly all dialogue to tell the story.

    • Hi Teresa,
      I enjoyed this. I’m impressed that it was virtually all dialogue but still kept pace as a story. Thank you for a great read.

      • Hi Maria, glad you liked it. I thought about making it all dialogue but I wanted the setup for the WhatsApp. I I like dialogue because my characters can tell the story instead of me!

    • Hi Teri. I love the way you related this story using only dialogue. It works well. You might want to fix this typo: ‘Not to bad’ should be ‘not too bad’. Great way to end the story, as well.

      • Hi June! Yes after your positive feedback on the all dialogue George and Martha I thought I’d give the style another go! Thanks for finding my typo!

    • Why don’t I believe her?
      LOL
      Great use of dialogue to tell the story.
      Contrary to Kim’s thought….I loved the succinct summary description of the guy…especially the part where she said, ‘but married’.
      Good use of only 300 words.

      • Hi Marilyn! How have you been? Glad you liked Andre’s description… I thought I’d play with what might impress someone who’s only had a superficial exposure to the character … it tells a bit about her! Thanks for you lovely feedback!

    • Love it! Using only dialogue works well in this short piece, especially as it is a telephone conversation. I like the realistic touch when WhatsApp freezes for a few seconds. Good take on the prompt.

      • HI Pam! I’m glad you picked up on the freeze … I wanted to leave it ambiguous … I’ve had WhatsApp freeze, but then at that point of their conversation did it really … or was she buying time to formulate a reply … Hmmm

    • Seyi replied 1 month ago

      Hey Teresa and howzit? Great use of dialogue and the little details describing familiar failings of the technology only help it more. Do have a look a your tenses, which I think get a bit mixed up (e.g. in teh lien beginning ‘When I told Andre…‘) All teh best, and have a great weekend. Regards, Seyi

      • Hi Seyi thanks much for the read and the heads up to check my tenses. I confess I let this go until the day before the deadline and it only had one read through (shhhh…).

    • Jane replied 1 month ago

      Hi Teresa, I really enjoyed this modern-day’ whatsap’ chat. I imagine she would have been very, very, very tempted. Really well done and a great use of the prompt.

      Two tiny typos:
      Yes, I suppose so, but I’ve know him so long I guess – known
      When I told Andre about it he suggest I fly over – suggested

      • Hi Jane! Thanks your your eagle eye view! Even though I read it aloud to myself I missed three (well two from you and one from June) typos. Ah the eye sees what it thinks the fingers typed! I’m glad you enjoyed the story!

    • Hi Tereza,
      came looking for you but I can’t find your May submission?

      • Sorry didn’t have one …mixed up the deadlines and had the poem ready and not the story… oh well.

  • “Morning, Boss.” Penny greeted.

    Thank goodness for Penny. That was a gamble I took when I employed her over the more experienced staff I interviewed. It was her strong character that attracted me, also see […]

    • Re the thoughts vs reporting, you could also write it all in the third person
      Eg David shook his head, but he had to smile as he read the officer’s report. Millie had used some foul language, but the officer would not repeat the words. I would have loved to witness that he thought. Or: He thought how much he would have loved to have witnessed that. Or: He would have loved to have witnessed that, he thought.
      Some of what the characters are saying could be reported by the narrator. Or you could have it set in dialogue with the character’s colleague or partner.
      Great cliffhanger! See you next week

    • I enjoyed this! Especially the end…. Very reflective and calm and then ‘bam!’ – cliffhanger! Excellent!

    • Hi Estelle,

      Loved the cliffhanger!
      It was a great scene but there seemed to be a POV issue. It took me quite a while to realise that half of it was David’s thoughts. I agree with Jacqie. You need more ‘he thought’ throughout. If you want to limit the number of times you say ‘he thought’ you could have the phrase in the first section of a thought and the rest is obvious – in each paragraph or sentence. Also breaking it up with action helps too. And or making some of it reported so we don’t spend too much time in his head, especially as your story is 3rd person. I wouldn’t advise putting thoughts in italics though as it becomes hard for the reader if there’s a lot of it in big chunks. Something like this perhaps (I may get carried away here and if I have and if it’s offensive I apologise in advance):

      “Morning, Boss.” Penny greeted David as he walked in.

      Thank goodness for Penny, he thought. He’d taken a gamble employing her over the more experienced candidates he’d interviewed. He smiled when he remembered it had been her strong character that had attracted him.

      She’s turned out to be a real trouper in the office, David thought as he made his way to his office. After Angie’s outburst this morning, Penny is a breath of fresh air.

      It had been tears and threats again that morning at the breakfast table. David sighed. That’s Angie, he thought I love her, but she’s heavy maintenance.

      One of her accusations resurfaced in his mind. People are not supporting her business because I’m defending Raymond Finch? What utter nonsense.

      Opening his office door, he turned back to Penny and said, “I need a double espresso this morning please.”

      I’ll call Angie later, he decided, closing the office door once more. I’ll take her to lunch. That might cheer her up.

      Just thoughts. Feel free to ignore them.

      • Hi Elaine,
        Thanks for spending so much time on this scene. Much appreciated.
        I don’t mind your commenting, it will keep me learning.
        This POV is something I must work on.
        Thanks again.

    • Hi Estelle,
      I also picked up on the POV issue. I’m sure you will fix it.
      The scene has a strong calmness. I got a sense of the normal day-to-day activities David’s used to. It felt like you tried to describe his desire for normality and connection with colleagues. This is underlined by the somewhat out of place humour from time to time. David’s inner conflict is well conveyed!
      I am sure the contents of the box with stir up the tension. 😉
      Good job!

  • This is not happening to me! What have I let myself in for?

    Raymond lay back on the bare bed, one hand behind his head. The mattress was thin. The wire mesh bedstead left a red criss-cross pattern on his back. He […]

    • Hi Estelle,
      Strong POV for Raymond. His desperation and confusion is well described. Not sure why he wants to get out on the street so desperately. But it definitely adds to the tension.

      Interesting behaviour from David. You have described his discomfort and overflowing anger/ rage so well. He want to ‘flip the table’ but he forces himself to keep his cool. Brilliant take on his state of mind!

      I was hoping for some details on what Raymond thought about the murder. Maybe he doesn’t know. I will have to go back and re-read some previous scenes.

      Overall, well done! 🙂

    • I love how you manage to be so descriptive while keeping the story moving forward. Nice piece of writing.

    • Hi Estelle,
      This scene has lots of pace, and clearly there’s more to Raymond, and possibly not all good, which is a nice turn in the story.
      Quick note on the spelling: misdemeanor

    • Hi Estelle,
      This scene has lots of pace, and clearly, there’s more to Raymond, and possibly not all good, which is a nice turn in the story.
      Quick note on the spelling: misdemeanour

    • I like the way that the mystery re Raymond has deepened. There is more to him than we have been told. The phrase “I was very careful” is very powerful – I am intrigued to know what he has done.
      I wonder if there’s a way you can indicate which are his thoughts and which are narration. I found it slightly confusing without any differentiation, but that’s only my opinion.
      I am intrigued to find out more about him, and to understand how whatever he has done fits in with whatever happened in the house.

      • Hi Jacqie,
        I have only read your response now after posting Scene 15 and I think I’ve done the same again.
        Would you indicate his thoughts in a different font?
        Any suggestions?
        Thanks for reading.

        • You could use italics, or single quote marks instead of double, though that might be too subtle. You could write it all in the first person if you want his scenes to be inside his head. I would play around and have fun, see what you like and what makes sense to you. Maybe see what writers you especially like do. And please bear in mind its only my opinion -no one else seems to have commented, so do feel free to ignore me

  • “Hold on to your hat Sheriff!” an out of breath Syd puffed, coming to a stop at the entrance of Sheriff Mason’s office. “Have you heard? Bail was set at ten thousand dollars for Finch so he’s not getting out soon. […]

    • Hi Estelle,
      I agree with Jacqie. It’s an excellent backstory for the sheriff. My only question would be is it legal for a judge to talk to the investigating police officer on a case?
      Can’t wait to see if I’m right about who the woman in the lake is!

    • Great back story for the Sheriff. All too believable! And explains the wish to ensure bail was unattainably high. Very well set, too – I could see the two of them chatting it all through. Looking forward to next week

    • Hi Estelle,
      I love the pacing of this scene. The way you told Sheriff Mason’s backstory is spot on. I connected with the character and now understand his obsession with solving the case asap. Well done!
      Can’t wait for the DNA results! Hope it is in next week 🙂

    • I’m wondering if Sherriff Mason is on the up and up? Talking to a judge and influencing him-maybe more will come to light? Good dialogue.

  • The day Mum said she felt fatiguedCould Daisy have taken more noticePerhaps she should have listened and believedDaisy was too busy, she did not focusMum went for tests, still Daisy did not thinkThis situation, […]

    • I thought the rhyming was good. This is the topic we all dread, the lose of a parent or spouse. I think you did it, without being overly sentimental. Good job.  Evon Martins

    • Powerhouse. My heart goes out to Daisy and her Mum.

      So the meter isn’t completely smooth, it’s in keeping with a dreadfully rough situation.

      Two minor suggestions: in the line “The phone rang, the results were in, it was cancer” I’d leave out both of the the‘s and dial up the intensity by adding a hint of alliteration: Phone rang, results came, it was cancer.

      Lastly, rather than being “there” (which feels just a smidge distant) I’d have Daisy tell her Mum: “I’ll be here, hold you near, Know you are my foundation.” Leaving out the second you reads more like a tight hug, which I’m betting they both needed. God bless.
      BES

    • Hi Estelle,
      Writing a sonnet is a big challenge in the first place. Writing one about such an emotional subject is even more so. The trouble (for me at least) is that the tight rhythm / metre and rhymes don’t allow the poet to write exactly what they want. Your rhymes are great here. With Elizabeth’s suggestions I’m sure you can get the metre to work. It’s a lovely sonnet and tribute to Daisy’s mum.

  • The world looks on in impotent outrageIn powerless self-interest leaders refrainFail to fight, afraid to engageThe aggressor’s aim is clear, bondageBreak the people, add to their domainThe world looks on in i […]

    • Well expressed. The repetitive nature of daily news reports lend themselves to the villanelle form, don’t they

    • as soon as I saw your pic I knew this was about Ukraine

      you’ve captured my sentiments and helplessness and outrage – and impotency as well. Dont UK and Germany and USA governments realise they’ve already lost this war with Putin by NOT engaging.
      He relies on this antipathy , this fear – to further his own agenda.
      I could spew endlessly on this topic but best I just beat my fists and join whatever petitions I can in my own little show of resistance to this vile horrid monster.

      your villanelle is excellent!
      there’s a word missing – w-? in the first line of the third tercet. is it wage?its the only rhyme that works I think?

      you nailed this one T !!! no pulling punches, getting right to the crux of the matter

    • Hi TeresaA great title and a very timely, well-written villanelle. Actually, beautifully written.

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Jodie Waller

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@jodiew2

Active 1 year, 10 months ago
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