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  • Hi Martin,

    Thanks for your positive critiques as well. I’ve got to take a look at those adverbs & modifiers for future writing then 🙂 I get your point – less would make it a tighter story. I hear you on the ending part 😀 If I were a tad bit honest I’d admit that I had to idea what I was going to do with the ending until….well the ending.…[Read more]

  • Revenge is a dish best served cold! Nice story.

  • Hmm, I read this thinking either the writer’s first language isn’t English or it’s suppose to be portrayed as if the character’s language isn’t English. If it’s the latter, it was on point. There were some errors (punctuation and grammar that I suspect was more due to the story being rushed to meet the deadline…maybe?) but I think I get the…[Read more]

  • Thank you for reading and commenting Michael. I really appreciate your positive critiques and will consider them in future writing (specifically the showing and not telling which I know I tend to do often). I hear you on the “wall of text” also – good point. Thanks!

  • We looked at each other from across the room.  It was just for a brief moment as we were both blinded by the flashing lights of the club.  I smiled at him, gave him “the look” and then quickly looked away.  I spen […]

    • I like your frank style of writing. It’s very matter of fact – if that makes sense. Also a cautionary tale about sticking together when partying the night away – especially for ladies. If you don’t mind I have some suggestions.
      This sentence, ““Look there’s one right there,” she’d said while blatantly pointing to a tall good-looking guy who stood near to the bar.” You can remove the word blatantly. In fact whenever you see a ‘l y’ at the end of a word (adverbs I think they’re called) – see if you can remove that word.
      You also described Jessica’s behaviour as outgoing, fun loving, etc.. Rather just have her sloshing whisky while dancing with multiple partners. They always say show and don’t tell. I agree with that thinking – but not all the time.
      Try vary the length of your sentences. Short for tension, long or descriptions or a slower pace, especially when there’s a lot of text and not so much dialogue.
      On that front, the last paragraph could have done with a few lines of dialogue to break up the ‘wall of text’.
      I liked this story and I like the style – please also keep in mind I’m no expert and I’m just offering a few suggestions to make it pop a little more. Keep writing and reading – this was solid! 😉

    • Hi Jodie

      There is a good flow to your story, which is compelling and has a good pace. I like the dialogue you use that helps us appreciate the characters personalities.

      I see more adverbs than you need, as well as modifiers that don’t add to the story and dilute the effect (I nearly wrote ‘a bit’ myself there!). Nothing that can’t be tightened with another edit. I was puzzled by the ending – as if this is one scene and we’re shortly into the next one. if I’m to be honest, think it needs an ending.

      Martin

    • Ese replied 5 months ago

      This is a good story. I like the cliffhanger ending, not knowing what exactly happened to her. However, I think the same message could have been conveyed in a different way. The last part could have been written differently.

  • Wow! This is really an interesting piece. Love how she switches at the end.

  • Thanks Ali. Yes the stair stumped the character too haha. But I have seen them with my own eyes hahaha.

  • Lovely piece. Reminded me of a similar situation when I was younger (except it was 2 kids & my mum used the exact same line).

  • I read this with a very British voice in my mind – imagining a middle-aged woman sitting at her desk during afternoon tea, with a long cigarette in the other hand, legs crossed pausing to think of what else to dish on the couple. You set the tone perfectly (even if you imagined it differently) without even having to explain the details. Loved it!

  • Really enjoyed reading this. Realized only close to the end that it was a dog. Although, “Rufus” should have been a good hint.

  • Thanks Michael. Yes I questioned myself on that very same conundrum but figured I’d leave it to the reader’s imagination. Maybe she lived there when she was too young to remember. Maybe she realized that they could have switched rooms & she couldn’t risk it. Or as you suggested, maybe they’d moved house & it took her a long time to find their…[Read more]

  • Pixie sat crouched below the dark staircase listening for any sound that the residents of the apartment were still awake. Nothing stirred. At exactly twelve, she slipped out from her position – cautiously looking […]

    • I loved the atmosphere of this piece, very engaging.

      I can understand her caution, given her task, but I’m confused by the fact that she doesn’t seem to know the layout of the apartment when she says that she “has returned” for her brother. Was she not here before, to enable her to return? Perhaps she has found him after they moved house.

      Thanks for sharing.

    • Thanks Michael. Yes I questioned myself on that very same conundrum but figured I’d leave it to the reader’s imagination. Maybe she lived there when she was too young to remember. Maybe she realized that they could have switched rooms & she couldn’t risk it. Or as you suggested, maybe they’d moved house & it took her a long time to find their new home & she was only now able to find him after all this time…. It’s up to your imagination. Thanks for commenting.

    • Loved the suspense of this piece. I thought it flowed well and the word choice kept me reading. The only thing that stumped me was a gate at the top of the stairs. I just couldn’t picture it and threw me off. Thank you for sharing! I look forward to reading more from you!

  • Thanks for reading Bhavna. I meant to reply last week – but seems the response did not show up. Much appreciated!

  • Thank you for reading, your kind comments. Thanks for the heads up on the errors as well. (Bad proofreading on my part).

  • “Blue looks good on the sky, looks good on that neon sign buzzing on the wall,

    But darling, it don’t match your eyes.

    I’m telling you,

    You don’t need that guy,

    it’s so black & white

    He’s stealing your thunde […]

    • Hi Jodie. This is a sad story with a lovely happy ending. I was able to picture your setting and characters quite easily as your descriptions were quite vivid. Your MC was tiny but admirably feisty and brave and your hero was both empathetic and dashingly attractive because of his fearless dishum-dishum rescue of the heroine. There were a few avoidable typos, but otherwise, a job well done. Thank you for sharing.

    • Hi Jodie!
      Great story! I could never tell the man was a kidnapper. It was a nice touch to the story.
      Sadly, so many people have faced this situation for real. Your story is not only well-written and captivating but also helps to raise awareness of abuse and abduction.
      As for suggestions, I believe you meant “surprisingly” and put an extra “by” in: “Surprising, he did get up followed by quickly by his partner.”
      Thanks for sharing. Keep it up. 🙂

    • Thanks for reading Bhavna. I meant to reply last week – but seems the response did not show up. Much appreciated!

  • Thanks Zefira. I thought my reply last week showed up but it didn’t. I love when someone gets my story 🙂 It’s a very nice compliment to be told it’s worth a movie – much appreciated!

  • I felt I was reading a page or two out of a history book…if that was the intention – excellent job. I would have liked to get an idea maybe of who the narrator is though…maybe to engage my interest a little more (but that’s just my preference).

  • Part 9…it seems….okay…I definitely need to go back & read more as well.

  • Quite enthralling. I love how you are able to use the prompt to continue the story & can’t wait to see how you use the next prompt for part 3 of the story….

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Jodie Waller

Profile picture of Jodie Waller

@jodiew2

Active 1 year, 10 months ago
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