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  • Will commented on the post, Freedom by Will 1 year, 2 months ago

    Thank you very much for the compliment. Interestingly, I have trouble choosing words, but when I get close to the maximum amount, I think I should write more.

  • Will commented on the post, Freedom by Will 1 year, 2 months ago

    Thank you.

  • Galathea finally felt the fresh air of freedom as she walked through the woods. Unlike the dry, barren air of her home, she could feel a light breeze while listening to the sound of the wind. She looked at the […]

    • Interesting piece. Nice that it continues her tale from last month.

      I’m not sure exactly what is happening though – for instance, I’m not sure why she is reluctant to climb the tree? Or what her other experiences mean.

      And I would have liked a stronger sense of actually feeling through her skin. For instance, in the river can you make the reader feel the icy water and feel her relief rather than telling us that these are her feelings?

    • I thought that you had good imagery. I was a little confused about a few things. You seemed to jump around to me, for example when she was running from the people? Then after the fireflies? That was a little muddled I think.
      But overall I could picture most of it well! Thank you for sharing!

    • Hi, thank you for sharing your story. I like that it’s a continuous story from before, stick with it. Your language is beautiful with some interesting metaphors and images. There were a few spots though that it seems like they are contradictory for the main character. It’s as if she’s not sure how she really feels about some of the things happening. Simple rework of sentence structure may help with this. Good luck with future writing!
      Karisa Dubuque

  • I like your elaborate description. And your first story, so welcome, although I don’t write much here. 🙂

  • The young Galathea never knew the concept of freedom and was unable to realize the restrictive life she had. She was silent, sitting in the ivory chair next to their parents. On the other side of the table, the […]

    • Interesting piece. I think I would have liked a bit more detail about how she felt outside in the big world and what she felt and saw. I wanted to really feel what she was feeling and see the world through her eyes.

      But, that said, I enjoyed reading your writing. It gave me food for thought.

      • “I wanted to really feel what she was feeling and see the world through her eyes.”

        Can be more specific? Perhaps something like “the icy water has taken over her body” or a “fear has arisen within her”?

        • So I’m thinking of maybe strengthening the language. When you use a passive type construction, you distance the reader from what she feels in her bones.

          Your examples could be rewritten as something like:
          1. Cold fingers reached deep into her bones tickling her spine
          or Fingers of ice reached deep into her bones tickling her spine
          2. Fear beat within her heart like a bird desperate to escape

          Do you see what I mean? If you envisage how cold and fear actually feel in your body and write that then you can pull the reader deep into the story with you.

    • Hi,
      I was drawn in by this poor little mouse of a girl. Living only by someone elses desire and thoughts. I wish we had been allowed more words for you to explore with her more, be more descriptive than you were able to be due to the word count.

      Unfortunately this is still happening in certain areas of the world. It is nice to see it exposed.

      Good job

      • Thank you very much for the compliment. Interestingly, I have trouble choosing words, but when I get close to the maximum amount, I think I should write more.

    • You have done an excellent job telling her sad story and using a dream to “awaken” her to consider freedom. Clearly you have a strong skill for writing. There were some issues (translation issues perhaps) with the use of pronouns (she / her) and other minor word issues that could easily be fixed with the assistance of an experienced proofreader. Your story made me sad in the beginning and happy in the end. It would be a nice start to a novel …

  • It had been more than an hour since the three young women had been driving down the empty road while it was dusk. Frieda was in a hurry, but she didn’t want to risk getting a ticket and she was confident that they […]

  • The description looks complex, but it looks interesting. It also looks like it was supposed to be part of some bigger story, which may be because of the limited amount of word. Good luck if you want to continue this. 🙂

  • Ai had only one job, to process all the documents that were received through the huge computer screen in front of her, together with the other two colleagues. They analyzed several classified documents without […]

  • Lillie never had such a strange experience as that night when she left the house with Tiffany without being noticed. She knew she was reckless, but she had already gone to places farther away from that wood that […]

    • That was a lovely story and I was glad they discovered a nice place rather than something sinister. Your story does need some editing, there are words that could be deleted and there are places where you have gone from past to present tense. But all in all a good story.

  • Thank you very much, but I’m not a psychiatrist. 🙂

  • Thanks for the comment. 🙂

  • Jealous of… by Will

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    Young Lillie stared at her reflection as her mother arranged her long blond hair in an elaborate way that her daughter did not like, but was reluctantly silent. She wore a dress as white […]

    • That was a lovely story about an over-protective mother trying to stop her daughter from making the same mistakes she did, but smothering her instead. I wondered about the location of the story. Is it set on some exclusive holiday resort? Also,
      it would be interesting to know what happens next. Will the story be continued?

    • This story intrigues me as I find myself inside Lillie’s mind struggling to obey her overbearing mother. It brings me to a culture that I’m unfamiliar with and that’s interesting. The dialog is good and you do a solid job of helping me understand why Lillie doesn’t fight back. I would enjoy understanding more about the place, time and context where they are living. You’ve done your job well in that I wish to learn what happens next.

  • It was a good story between brothers.

  • It reminded me of the scope fable, good story.

  • Good narrative.

  • Misunderstood by Will

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    No one could understand what was on Jonhanne Smith’s mind. She had lived in the clinic for many years, but no one knew much about him or even why he was there. Psychiatrist Felix came […]

    • Wow. The whole story seemed so different and unusual. I can’t claim I understood it all but it does give the impression of dreams and the capacity of human beings to transcend to something higher, and how dreams help us communicate those ideas and concepts from our souls to our minds.

    • Hey Will, your story is relatable especially on the psychiatrist- patient dialogue. Are you a psychiatrist? If not, then believe you me, your’re a a good fiction writer as the details provided can only attest to that. I read in a hurry so I am not in a position to give objective critique to this story. Thank you for sharing.

  • Thanks.

  • Interesting formatting.

  • Interesting, although I was a little confused to understand, but it is because English is not my first language. Good story.

  • Simple, but good.

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Will

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@guilhermemaldonado

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