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  • It was a cold, foggy Halloween night, a perfect holiday mood that personified the aesthetics of terror and witchcraft, but Elfrida only had two things in mind. Have as much candy as possible and play tricks on […]

    • What an interesting holiday mashup with a witch and a naughty elf teaming up together for shenanigans. I somehow knew that Elfrida wasn’t just a little trick or treater right away. The two lines where Elfrida is sizing up Elvina need another look through. I think I get what you’re saying, that Elvina just rolls on the scene out of nowhere like it’s nothing and no one else should be surprised, but the sentences are awkward. Very cool idea, and of course these sprites stir up mischief without experiencing any direct consequences, which seems very typical of them. Thanks for sharing 🙂

    • Interesting. I like the Halloween concepts and Christmas intertwined. You didn’t have to tell the reader who they were, you intimated enough for it to be apparent, well done on that count.

  • The huge wooden box looked as simple as the huge empty room that was so modest that no one would think there was anything of great value hidden in that simple box. The room itself was at the back of an antique […]

    • Ooh nice one! Edgar Allan Poe would love it!

    • This was a great premise for the prompt. But I’m left with so many questions. How are the owner and young woman related? So, does the box belong to the young woman? Is there some sort of time travel involved? I was confused about the comment that he arrived before he left. Was he coming back? So many questions, lol.

    • Hello Will,
      I laughed when the assistant fell into the box. he was being too nosy. like Patty, I have questions.
      This is a lovely story.

  • Long ago there was a young woman named Beatrice who used to sell beautiful shells that she found in the sand on the beach on the small island where she lived. There were times she took it. Sometimes she fished […]

    • You have a beautiful story. I love how Beatrice is so mesmerized by the ocean and that is repeat throughout your story. There are some rough spots in there – maybe some dropped words in places – but I love the feel of the story. I would be excited for an adventure like that too. Nicely done.

    • Hi Will. This was an intriguing story, and I love all the images such as the blue golden fish and the chariot coming out of the sea. Perhaps you could’ve made Beatrice’s decision at the end just a little harder, but the build-up of excitement is very well done, I enjoyed that!
      I guess you deliberately chose the names Ondine and Beatrice, although I am curious to know whether your story is supposed to make reference of the original tale of Ondine or just carry the connotations of water beings?
      🙂

  • The trip was short, the weather was stable and the carriages moved quickly with nothing to stop them, but Barbara looked out the window wishing the mountains would pass as quickly as possible. There was nothing […]

    • You create a lot of questions with this interesting piece and I suppose that you plan to write a sequel. I like the plot and your use of dialogue and think that you can do a lot with it.

    • Hi
      I enjoyed being surprised and mesmerized by the secret library alongside your characters. CA

    • Hello Will, lots going on here and you have us intrigued. Major accomplishment to have a reader want to know more. I am thinking that the red hair of the deceased and Annette is not a coincidence! You have described a magical place, I feel like I am in the south with moss-covered trees flanking the road. You are certainly off to a great start and I look forward to knowing more. Gretchen

  • Will started taking the course 30 Days of Dialogue 5 months, 1 week ago

  • Will started taking the course 52 Scenes | 2021 5 months, 1 week ago

  • At first there was nothing on her mind but where she was lying and even then it was hard to describe what she felt. Nothing but an intense blue that got lighter and several misshapen white dots instead of the […]

    • “Lotus flowers.” The Sirens of Homer; Things that make us forget our sorrows, for a little while. Been There, done that. LOL

      Excellent descriptions of what returning to awareness. Good thing she has Lilly to help her return to the ‘living.’ I’m assuming Lilly wasn’t a random name.

      Glad the story has a happy ending.

      Thanks for the fun read.

    • Hi Will,
      Thank you for the very interesting story. I was very confused about what was going on in the beginning but the more I read, the more I realised that was your intention. I liked how you used colours consistently to describe at the beginning, and eventually moved the descriptions on to more complex things. The writing really put the reader in the character’s head and as the character became more clear and focused, as did the reader. I think you did a great job here. The ending makes me wonder what happens next and what happens to Hana and Lillie – I would like to know more about why they are there. Only notes that I would like to add is that your punctuation on your speech needs to be revised a little – I’ve only just learnt these rules myself but I believe that if a speech tag follows the speech, a comma is put before the speech marks e.g., “Yes,” said Daisy.
      But other than that I really enjoyed your writing and thanks for sharing 🙂

  • A long time ago, there was a small rustic village without much urban infrastructure. Claire drove on the only road in that village, but due to the constant rain the road was muddy and she had difficulty […]

    • Very clever, liked the simplicity of the story. Its true we often tend to overthink things

    • Will,
      This read like a motivational story with a great moral lesson. the A long time ago starting is actually an eye catcher.
      Small and rustic sounds like the same thing. Delete one. I would delete small.
      Digging a long wh0ole to create a distch also sounded as a repetion. Say, they sank a ditch.
      Thanks again for sharing.

    • Simple unexpected actions to solve the problem. Thanks for sharing

    • I loved the moral of the story. Straightforward and well-expressed. The “long time ago” seems to set it up to be more of a fairy tale, but it’s not one really. There’s no reason this couldn’t be set in the present. In fact, I think I might be more powerful in present tense.

      Thank you for sharing.

  • Will wrote a new post, Clue by Will 7 months ago

    Young Lillie watched the wood being burned in the old fireplace as she rested. Admiring those embers was one of the only things she could do at night in a harsh winter. The heat she felt lessened when an icy […]

    • Nice story Will. I am a little confused about what Lillie has come too, but that she has her freedom is a lovely end to the story. Thank you for sharing it.

    • Your story is written in the classic fairytale style. It’s very sweet and simple. I’m a bit confused about Lillie’s motivation. Does she just want freedom or is she looking for something specific? I think it would make a stronger story if you gave her a goal. Well done.

    • Hi Will. Your story is enchanting and it has all the elements of magic and mystery. It also has its good guys and bad guys. I am intrigued to know the agenda of the bad guys. I guess I will just have to read more of your stories if you continue with Lillie and Elfrieda’s adventures. Well done!
      I was just a little confused with the tense as it jumped from present to past a few times.

  • Elisa didn’t know how long she had been in that room, nor did she know why she got there. She couldn’t remember anything but blurred visions in her dreams. But she didn’t feel scared about living in the spacious […]

    • Will, you’ve kept me in suspense wondering who Elisa’s captors were and what was really happening. However, without the use of dialogue you ended up telling through the story rather than showing. If you could add some dialogue it would really help improve your story. I liked your ending with the fairy freeing Elisa, who it also turns out was a fairy. My take is that your theme was how people behave badly, when they encounter something or someone they don’t understand. Keep writing

    • Very intriguing story Will – I agree that you could show more and tell less, but you kept me reading. Well done.

    • I enjoyed reading your story, Will, even though I wondered throughout who the captive and the captors were. I liked your use of the prompt and was glad that Elisa was freed in the end. Thank you for sharing.

  • Will wrote a new post, Fragile by Will 9 months ago

    The two sisters were resting in the garden just watching the time go by. The youngest, Bonnie, looked at the tree branches while Rose read a book. Looking at the branches of the tree, Bonnie saw small ants that […]

    • I love this story!! I laughed at the end knowing that Rose just wanted some peace and quiet to read. I love your descriptions and Rose’s patience was well described. Fantastic!

    • Hello Will

      I really enjoyed reading this one!
      Even though the questions seem to be flipping the world on its head, but they’re, nonetheless, totally reasonable. I like the minimalism of the setting with only the sisters, the house, and a tree in focus. The dialogue is king here, and you did a great job telling the story through the witty exchanges between the girls.

      Good work!

    • If I’d be Rose, it would be a boring afternoon. Her patience and responses in between the reading, I can’t balance that for long. Your description with the dialogue creates a live scene. I thought I was watching and listening to the two sisters and not reading it . Great work!

  • The young Galathea will always hear that the world was too dangerous to go out on her own, so she could only do what was expected of society. Her only duty was to be silent beside their parents in front of guests, […]

    • This piece has an other worldly feeling to it. I like the character of the little girl. Almost as if she was a younger Galathea. The pacing of this piece was well timed and positively meshed well with the emotional resonance of the story. I still think there is some mystery unsolved? I really like this piece and would love to read more.

    • Hi Will. There is a dreamlike quality to this story. For some reason, I found the young girl really sinister, especially when your MC went to sleep. Later though, there was an interesting interplay between rich & poor, or privileged & disadvantaged.

  • “I wanted to really feel what she was feeling and see the world through her eyes.”

    Can be more specific? Perhaps something like “the icy water has taken over her body” or a “fear has arisen within her”?

  • Thank you very much for the compliment. Interestingly, I have trouble choosing words, but when I get close to the maximum amount, I think I should write more.

  • Thank you.

  • Galathea finally felt the fresh air of freedom as she walked through the woods. Unlike the dry, barren air of her home, she could feel a light breeze while listening to the sound of the wind. She looked at the […]

    • Interesting piece. Nice that it continues her tale from last month.

      I’m not sure exactly what is happening though – for instance, I’m not sure why she is reluctant to climb the tree? Or what her other experiences mean.

      And I would have liked a stronger sense of actually feeling through her skin. For instance, in the river can you make the reader feel the icy water and feel her relief rather than telling us that these are her feelings?

    • I thought that you had good imagery. I was a little confused about a few things. You seemed to jump around to me, for example when she was running from the people? Then after the fireflies? That was a little muddled I think.
      But overall I could picture most of it well! Thank you for sharing!

    • Hi, thank you for sharing your story. I like that it’s a continuous story from before, stick with it. Your language is beautiful with some interesting metaphors and images. There were a few spots though that it seems like they are contradictory for the main character. It’s as if she’s not sure how she really feels about some of the things happening. Simple rework of sentence structure may help with this. Good luck with future writing!
      Karisa Dubuque

  • I like your elaborate description. And your first story, so welcome, although I don’t write much here. 🙂

  • The young Galathea never knew the concept of freedom and was unable to realize the restrictive life she had. She was silent, sitting in the ivory chair next to their parents. On the other side of the table, the […]

    • Interesting piece. I think I would have liked a bit more detail about how she felt outside in the big world and what she felt and saw. I wanted to really feel what she was feeling and see the world through her eyes.

      But, that said, I enjoyed reading your writing. It gave me food for thought.

      • “I wanted to really feel what she was feeling and see the world through her eyes.”

        Can be more specific? Perhaps something like “the icy water has taken over her body” or a “fear has arisen within her”?

        • So I’m thinking of maybe strengthening the language. When you use a passive type construction, you distance the reader from what she feels in her bones.

          Your examples could be rewritten as something like:
          1. Cold fingers reached deep into her bones tickling her spine
          or Fingers of ice reached deep into her bones tickling her spine
          2. Fear beat within her heart like a bird desperate to escape

          Do you see what I mean? If you envisage how cold and fear actually feel in your body and write that then you can pull the reader deep into the story with you.

    • Hi,
      I was drawn in by this poor little mouse of a girl. Living only by someone elses desire and thoughts. I wish we had been allowed more words for you to explore with her more, be more descriptive than you were able to be due to the word count.

      Unfortunately this is still happening in certain areas of the world. It is nice to see it exposed.

      Good job

      • Thank you very much for the compliment. Interestingly, I have trouble choosing words, but when I get close to the maximum amount, I think I should write more.

    • You have done an excellent job telling her sad story and using a dream to “awaken” her to consider freedom. Clearly you have a strong skill for writing. There were some issues (translation issues perhaps) with the use of pronouns (she / her) and other minor word issues that could easily be fixed with the assistance of an experienced proofreader. Your story made me sad in the beginning and happy in the end. It would be a nice start to a novel …

  • It had been more than an hour since the three young women had been driving down the empty road while it was dusk. Frieda was in a hurry, but she didn’t want to risk getting a ticket and she was confident that they […]

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Will

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@guilhermemaldonado

Active 1 week, 3 days ago
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