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  • A long time ago, there was a huge mountain that stood in the middle of an isolated forest. The mountain had no name, it was neither the highest nor the lowest in the region despite being easy to walk. The mountain […]

    • Andie replied 1 week ago

      Hello Will. I will be honest with you and say your piece did not appeal to me. OK, I’ll also admit that, as a reader, mysticism is not my cup of tea, and it may well appeal to other readers. I’ll try to pinpoint why I did not find it an easy read. The narrative did not flow smoothly. There are several awkwardly worded phrases – one or two of them being non sequiturs, for example.
      I hope you will receive comments from other readers who have understood and related to you story better that I have, as I would hate to deter anyone from writing. There is certainly the germ of a good idea here, and my suggestion is that you should find a mentor who would work with you, to give you more detailed feedback and guide your pen.

  • Will wrote a new post, Tempted by Will 1 month ago

    “Don’t open that trunk.” The store owner warned Lily showing a trunk that she would remove from a box that was inside a basement.

    Lily just nodded without thinking too much about it while working as an assistant […]

    • This reads a bit like a fairytale. Three times being tempted with three different outcomes. I really wonder what it was now!

    • Hi, Will Is this a piece from a longer story? You can’t leave us tangling. Fun read that was easy to follow. Thanks, Sharon

    • Hmmm… Mysterious indeed. I agree this reads like an introduction to a longer tale. You harness the reader’s curiosity very well.
      By way of constructive comments:
      1. Twice you use the future/conditional where it seems the simple past is enough: “ a trunk that she would remove from a box…” and “ she would notice that the trunk was gone”. I don’t know if this was intentional but it left me wondering why.
      2. “Lily just nodded without thinking too much about it while working as an assistant at that store.” This reads awkwardly and it might be improved by breaking the background info from her response.
      Overall, an enjoyable read. Well done.
      Sharon

    • Intriguing stuff. I hope you carry on with this.
      Some editing suggestions – read this aloud to yourself and see what shows up as not sounding ‘quite right’. The word ‘trunk’ appears a few too many times for my liking – readers know what you are talking about so there is no need to repeat it as much, I don’t think.
      The first line is a great hook. The last line, not quite as satisfying as it possibly could be. I wonder if you would consider something like ‘on the way home she saw a guy unloading a similar looking trunk in the car park/parking lot of (you choose – could be a Veterinary office, funeral director, pharmaceutical business, bank etc). – then the last line could give the reader an idea of what she was going to do next – such as ‘she rushed home and Googled ”how to gain access to a building when you have lost your key” .
      Much later, as she sat in the police cell, she realised they would never believe the truth if she told them what she had found …’
      That kind of ending would give you an opportunity to take this further or leave it as a tantalising piece of flash fiction. I’m sure your imagination will provide you with better answers than my silly suggestions but hopefully you can see what I mean. Don’t give up on this, I feel it has potential.

  • Will commented on the post, Charge by Will 2 months ago

    Thanks for the reply, but why do you think it looks like an anime? English is not my first language, but I don’t translate from Japanese.

    I don’t mean to be rude, but could you give me examples of what sentences are meaningless and my grammatical errors? Constructive comments are welcome.

  • Will wrote a new post, Charge by Will 2 months ago

    On a small island far from the mainland, there lived a young woman named Naoko who just wanted a quiet weekend after a long week of school exams. But her friends had other, more complicated plans for the weekend. […]

    • Will replied 2 months ago

      Thanks for the reply, but why do you think it looks like an anime? English is not my first language, but I don’t translate from Japanese.

      I don’t mean to be rude, but could you give me examples of what sentences are meaningless and my grammatical errors? Constructive comments are welcome.

    • This is a cute story. It has the feel of a Japanese Anime – “Only Yesterday” perhaps? It feels like it was written in one language (Japanese maybe) and then fed into Google Translate. Some of the sentences don’t make sense and the grammar/tenses are mixed up. The story has a nice dreamy feel to it. Well done.

  • Will wrote a new post, Boot bt Will 3 months ago

       Sasha didn’t know how she’d lost those boots. She’d organized their clothes for hours before traveling to camp, but she was pretty sure her boots were in her suitcase. Fortunately there was a small shop near th […]

    • Great story

    • I love the fairy-tale vibe you gave this story! Such great atmosphere. One thing to try would be write the story in a first person perspective. The reactions to the seasons changing and the being gone a year would have been interesting to read from the MC’s perspective rather than a narrator’s. Thank you for sharing!

    • Nice story loved the tale, would have liked to have known more about the boots.

  • Long ago, there was a great ruined temple that stood on top of a great mountain. A legend among the villagers who lived on the mountain told that there was an old guardian living in the fortress for several years […]

    • I love the idea behind the story but there were a few omissions (words) and some punctuations too. These are things that I got better at by being consistent with my writing. Great story!

    • There is a good story here.
      I agree there are some punctuations.
      When you used guard in one paragraph instead of guardian I had to check if it was not a new character but I liked the whole idea of the guardian.
      Well done.

    • The prompt worked well for this story idea. Well done.
      The more you write the better you’ll get at language and punctuation. Maybe find yourself a reading buddy – someone that can read your story before you post and help you fix any issues.

  • It was a cold, foggy Halloween night, a perfect holiday mood that personified the aesthetics of terror and witchcraft, but Elfrida only had two things in mind. Have as much candy as possible and play tricks on […]

    • What an interesting holiday mashup with a witch and a naughty elf teaming up together for shenanigans. I somehow knew that Elfrida wasn’t just a little trick or treater right away. The two lines where Elfrida is sizing up Elvina need another look through. I think I get what you’re saying, that Elvina just rolls on the scene out of nowhere like it’s nothing and no one else should be surprised, but the sentences are awkward. Very cool idea, and of course these sprites stir up mischief without experiencing any direct consequences, which seems very typical of them. Thanks for sharing 🙂

    • Interesting. I like the Halloween concepts and Christmas intertwined. You didn’t have to tell the reader who they were, you intimated enough for it to be apparent, well done on that count.

  • The huge wooden box looked as simple as the huge empty room that was so modest that no one would think there was anything of great value hidden in that simple box. The room itself was at the back of an antique […]

    • Ooh nice one! Edgar Allan Poe would love it!

    • This was a great premise for the prompt. But I’m left with so many questions. How are the owner and young woman related? So, does the box belong to the young woman? Is there some sort of time travel involved? I was confused about the comment that he arrived before he left. Was he coming back? So many questions, lol.

    • Ese replied 6 months ago

      Hello Will,
      I laughed when the assistant fell into the box. he was being too nosy. like Patty, I have questions.
      This is a lovely story.

  • Long ago there was a young woman named Beatrice who used to sell beautiful shells that she found in the sand on the beach on the small island where she lived. There were times she took it. Sometimes she fished […]

    • You have a beautiful story. I love how Beatrice is so mesmerized by the ocean and that is repeat throughout your story. There are some rough spots in there – maybe some dropped words in places – but I love the feel of the story. I would be excited for an adventure like that too. Nicely done.

    • Hi Will. This was an intriguing story, and I love all the images such as the blue golden fish and the chariot coming out of the sea. Perhaps you could’ve made Beatrice’s decision at the end just a little harder, but the build-up of excitement is very well done, I enjoyed that!
      I guess you deliberately chose the names Ondine and Beatrice, although I am curious to know whether your story is supposed to make reference of the original tale of Ondine or just carry the connotations of water beings?
      🙂

  • The trip was short, the weather was stable and the carriages moved quickly with nothing to stop them, but Barbara looked out the window wishing the mountains would pass as quickly as possible. There was nothing […]

    • You create a lot of questions with this interesting piece and I suppose that you plan to write a sequel. I like the plot and your use of dialogue and think that you can do a lot with it.

    • Hi
      I enjoyed being surprised and mesmerized by the secret library alongside your characters. CA

    • Hello Will, lots going on here and you have us intrigued. Major accomplishment to have a reader want to know more. I am thinking that the red hair of the deceased and Annette is not a coincidence! You have described a magical place, I feel like I am in the south with moss-covered trees flanking the road. You are certainly off to a great start and I look forward to knowing more. Gretchen

  • Will started taking the course 30 Days of Dialogue 9 months, 2 weeks ago

  • Will started taking the course 52 Scenes 9 months, 2 weeks ago

  • At first there was nothing on her mind but where she was lying and even then it was hard to describe what she felt. Nothing but an intense blue that got lighter and several misshapen white dots instead of the […]

    • “Lotus flowers.” The Sirens of Homer; Things that make us forget our sorrows, for a little while. Been There, done that. LOL

      Excellent descriptions of what returning to awareness. Good thing she has Lilly to help her return to the ‘living.’ I’m assuming Lilly wasn’t a random name.

      Glad the story has a happy ending.

      Thanks for the fun read.

    • Hi Will,
      Thank you for the very interesting story. I was very confused about what was going on in the beginning but the more I read, the more I realised that was your intention. I liked how you used colours consistently to describe at the beginning, and eventually moved the descriptions on to more complex things. The writing really put the reader in the character’s head and as the character became more clear and focused, as did the reader. I think you did a great job here. The ending makes me wonder what happens next and what happens to Hana and Lillie – I would like to know more about why they are there. Only notes that I would like to add is that your punctuation on your speech needs to be revised a little – I’ve only just learnt these rules myself but I believe that if a speech tag follows the speech, a comma is put before the speech marks e.g., “Yes,” said Daisy.
      But other than that I really enjoyed your writing and thanks for sharing 🙂

  • A long time ago, there was a small rustic village without much urban infrastructure. Claire drove on the only road in that village, but due to the constant rain the road was muddy and she had difficulty […]

    • Very clever, liked the simplicity of the story. Its true we often tend to overthink things

    • Will,
      This read like a motivational story with a great moral lesson. the A long time ago starting is actually an eye catcher.
      Small and rustic sounds like the same thing. Delete one. I would delete small.
      Digging a long wh0ole to create a distch also sounded as a repetion. Say, they sank a ditch.
      Thanks again for sharing.

    • Simple unexpected actions to solve the problem. Thanks for sharing

    • I loved the moral of the story. Straightforward and well-expressed. The “long time ago” seems to set it up to be more of a fairy tale, but it’s not one really. There’s no reason this couldn’t be set in the present. In fact, I think I might be more powerful in present tense.

      Thank you for sharing.

  • Young Lillie watched the wood being burned in the old fireplace as she rested. Admiring those embers was one of the only things she could do at night in a harsh winter. The heat she felt lessened when an icy […]

    • Nice story Will. I am a little confused about what Lillie has come too, but that she has her freedom is a lovely end to the story. Thank you for sharing it.

    • Your story is written in the classic fairytale style. It’s very sweet and simple. I’m a bit confused about Lillie’s motivation. Does she just want freedom or is she looking for something specific? I think it would make a stronger story if you gave her a goal. Well done.

    • Hi Will. Your story is enchanting and it has all the elements of magic and mystery. It also has its good guys and bad guys. I am intrigued to know the agenda of the bad guys. I guess I will just have to read more of your stories if you continue with Lillie and Elfrieda’s adventures. Well done!
      I was just a little confused with the tense as it jumped from present to past a few times.

  • Elisa didn’t know how long she had been in that room, nor did she know why she got there. She couldn’t remember anything but blurred visions in her dreams. But she didn’t feel scared about living in the spacious […]

    • Linda replied 1 year ago

      Will, you’ve kept me in suspense wondering who Elisa’s captors were and what was really happening. However, without the use of dialogue you ended up telling through the story rather than showing. If you could add some dialogue it would really help improve your story. I liked your ending with the fairy freeing Elisa, who it also turns out was a fairy. My take is that your theme was how people behave badly, when they encounter something or someone they don’t understand. Keep writing

    • Very intriguing story Will – I agree that you could show more and tell less, but you kept me reading. Well done.

    • I enjoyed reading your story, Will, even though I wondered throughout who the captive and the captors were. I liked your use of the prompt and was glad that Elisa was freed in the end. Thank you for sharing.

  • The two sisters were resting in the garden just watching the time go by. The youngest, Bonnie, looked at the tree branches while Rose read a book. Looking at the branches of the tree, Bonnie saw small ants that […]

    • I love this story!! I laughed at the end knowing that Rose just wanted some peace and quiet to read. I love your descriptions and Rose’s patience was well described. Fantastic!

    • Hello Will

      I really enjoyed reading this one!
      Even though the questions seem to be flipping the world on its head, but they’re, nonetheless, totally reasonable. I like the minimalism of the setting with only the sisters, the house, and a tree in focus. The dialogue is king here, and you did a great job telling the story through the witty exchanges between the girls.

      Good work!

    • If I’d be Rose, it would be a boring afternoon. Her patience and responses in between the reading, I can’t balance that for long. Your description with the dialogue creates a live scene. I thought I was watching and listening to the two sisters and not reading it . Great work!

  • The young Galathea will always hear that the world was too dangerous to go out on her own, so she could only do what was expected of society. Her only duty was to be silent beside their parents in front of guests, […]

    • This piece has an other worldly feeling to it. I like the character of the little girl. Almost as if she was a younger Galathea. The pacing of this piece was well timed and positively meshed well with the emotional resonance of the story. I still think there is some mystery unsolved? I really like this piece and would love to read more.

    • Hi Will. There is a dreamlike quality to this story. For some reason, I found the young girl really sinister, especially when your MC went to sleep. Later though, there was an interesting interplay between rich & poor, or privileged & disadvantaged.

  • Will commented on the post, Freedom by Will 1 year, 2 months ago

    “I wanted to really feel what she was feeling and see the world through her eyes.”

    Can be more specific? Perhaps something like “the icy water has taken over her body” or a “fear has arisen within her”?

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