fbpx
  • Impossible Boy by EsterS28
    *
    I left a blank space for you in my heart. It’s foolish to keep holding on, but every time I close my eyes I can see you looking back at me with your sweet smile. I can never go back t […]

    • I found this incredibly sad.
      so much wasted – what held her back from declaring her love for him, I wonder?
      very well written 🧡

    • Hi Ester, very powerful and painful….you struck a chord. Nicely done.

    • Hi Ester, this is very raw and very beautiful. I can definitely feel the pain and longing. My only suggestion would be to set it out with more of the shape of a poem, to make your beautiful words stand out more. Something like this:
      I left a blank space for you in my heart.
      It’s foolish to keep holding on,
      but every time I close my eyes
      I can see you looking back at me
      with your sweet smile.

    • As a mother who lost a son this resonates deeply with me.
      Very beautiful and very sad.

    • To wait for someone who never comes…beautifully rendered. The only line I suggest changing is the fourth – what if you moved the is at the end so it starts the fifth line to give the space in my heart more oomph?

    • This is raw. I agree with Jane! Sit with it and form it into a poem. It will resonate beautifully. So many of my own poems begin with a journal entry, with prose, and I just break it into lines and stanzas, omitting some unnecessary words. You will be surprised how well it flows, and how the impact of the words changes, grows.

    • This is the first prose poem I’ve read this time and works well as such. You could make it look like a more conventional poem, but I don’t think you have to. Well done.

  • EsterS28 commented on the post, Flowers by EsterS28 1 week ago

    Thank you!

  • EsterS28 commented on the post, Flowers by EsterS28 1 week ago

    Thank you!!

  • She wiped the blood from her cheek and picked up the sword.  His eyes followed her blade as she pressed it against his neck.

    “Don’t move!” 

    His eyes were cold and lifeless as he stared at her.

    “You don’t kno […]

  • Kayla sat at the table and watched as Thomas sat across from her. He made her feel uneasy, but familiar at the same time. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but she was ready to find out.

    “I was promised food.” […]

    • Originally I thought that Thomas was somehow hexing her into doing what he wanted, but it appears he just has the typical handsome man magic. The nature of the two men’s relationship is clear with just a few lines of dialogue. Thanks for sharing.

    • Hi Ester.

      Nice take on the prompt.

      I found the first paragraph a little confusing. The ‘it’ doesn’t seem to refer back to anything. I don’t know what the technical terms in, but I think it would work better if, instead of ‘it’, you have ‘what it was’. I’d understand it related back to the ‘uneasy’.

      A couple of more bits of feedback would be that where dialogue continues, you don’t need a new set of quotation marks. I see why you’ve done it, but if you want a gap for emphasis, you need a tag (‘he said’ or something like that) to make it work correctly. Finally, where you have a ‘he said’ as in ‘“Stop what?” He said innocently.’, the ‘he’ has a small ‘h’. Hope you don’t mind me pointing these out.

      Martin

  • “You can’t be doing things I tell you not to do!” Noah cried.

    “Tell me what’s going on! Kayla said firmly.

    “Tell her!” Thomas said annoyed.

    “Fine, let’s go upstairs and I will tell you.” Noah sighed.

    “Will […]

  • “ about we call calm down and go upstairs?”

    “How about some buttered toast?” 

    Thomas grinned.

    Noah glared at him.

    “You know you’re not allowed up stairs.”

    Kayla looked between the boys, trying to wrap her he […]

  • Thank you! I appreciate it!! Yes, thank you! That line is my favorite, to!

  • Yes, the format became messed up somehow. I had it like she mentioned, before I sent it. Thank you for your feedback!!

  • Yes, the second line wasn’t supposed to be standalone sentence the format messed up somehow. It was supposed to be easy, II didn’t even notice my phone changed it. Ugh! Haha! Thank you for the feedback though!

  • EsterS28 commented on the post, What Spy? by EsterS28 1 month ago

    Thank you for the feedback!

  • EsterS28 commented on the post, What Spy? by EsterS28 1 month ago

    Thank you for the feedback!

  • Carla was excited to get this evening started. She walked into the room admiring all her friends dressed up in attire from the 1970s.
    “Listen, you are in grave danger.”  A voice whispered in Carla’s ear.

    “ […]

    • Ha! A misunderstanding. I am wondering if you can say right after turned around quickly “to see a man that she hadn’t invited.” You may be able to cut out the sentence ‘carla was bewildered…” that way and have more words for other places. This is a fun idea. I wonder if the weird guy is part of the murder mystery crew or if he’s told the wrong person present that she’s a spy. Thanks for sharing:)

    • Marta replied 1 month ago

      Intriguing. This could go so many different ways. I agree with Beth. A fun piece.

    • Hi Ester

      This is such a fun piece! Plenty of scope for more too! Just as an FYI, ‘apart’ would usually be two separate words in both contexts you use it in here.

      Martin

  • I scream your name hoping you would hear me, but you were nowhere in sight.
    You’ve taken my heart and sailed away.
    To a new land, forgetting what you left behind. I stood by the shore and watched the waves come c […]

    • Jane replied 1 month ago

      Hi Ester,
      This is a very beautiful poem. I love your word choice and the way you have laid bare your feelings here.
      I have two small suggestions. One is that you split it up a bit more to give it more shape. Something like this:
      I scream your name
      Hoping you would hear me
      but you are nowhere in sight.

      You’ve taken my heart and sailed away
      To a new land
      Forgetting what you left behind

      I stood by the shore
      And watched the waves
      Come crashing down

      And so on – you get the idea of what I mean:) Doesn’t have to be that exact shape but something like it.

      The other small suggestion is – Letting go is never easily – I would put – Letting go is never easy,

      Well done on a beautiful poem:)

      • Yes, the second line wasn’t supposed to be standalone sentence the format messed up somehow. It was supposed to be easy, II didn’t even notice my phone changed it. Ugh! Haha! Thank you for the feedback though!

    • My first thought when I read your poem was the same as in Jane’s comment above about the line breakage. I think the shorter lines would pack more of a punch. It’s a sad, wistful poem made so intense by the reference to the ocean’s depth and the sun. Well done and thank you for sharing it.

      • Yes, the format became messed up somehow. I had it like she mentioned, before I sent it. Thank you for your feedback!!

    • Ester, this is a lovely poem that pulls the reader right into sensing and experiencing the narrator’s pain of loss. Your opening line is a grabber. I also really like your line ‘waiting for the sun to dry out the ocean.’…..nice writing.

      • Thank you! I appreciate it!! Yes, thank you! That line is my favorite, to!

  • I placed the flowers on your grave as I did every week. My palms full of tears that never seemed to stop. I wish I could go back and tell you what you meant to me, because that last time didn’t seem enough. I w […]

    • Sue replied 1 month ago

      I think we all feel like this over the loss of a loved one. A tender reflection.

  • Kayla gasped as a light shined under his hand.

    He lifted his hand off and smiled.

    “It’s healed!” 

    “There’s not even a scar!” Kayla said examining her hand.

    “I’m just that good!” He grinned.

    It was an […]

  • Julian had to perform well tonight and if everything went as planned he would rise to the top. He closed his eyes As he stroked each key concentrating on the melody. The nerves and nausea melted away and he […]

    • Hi Ester, I found this an intriguing story and would never have guessed the turn it took. You did well keeping the suspense till the very end. The story flows well and there’s no evidence of any blockage 🙂. I’m guessing you posted this in a hurry though? I noticed quite a few typos but that is easy to sort with a simple proofreading. Is this part of a larger series or does it end here? Best wishes for the remaining stories this year, Ester!

    • Nice job with the dialog and storyline. I too had no idea until the end that they were vampires protecting their brother. Similar to another post, this could have done with another editing pass for misspellings and missed punctuation. I use Grammarly (free) because I can’t proof my own work. Keep writing! Nice story.

    • Hi Ester This was an unexpected twist to the story! But you had me reading just to find out what was going on! Well done!

    • Hi Ester,
      Thank you for your story. Despite having writers block I can see this story having potential for being part of a longer piece of work. You do need work with some errors here and there, but also some work on connecting the parts of the story. It seems to jump around quite abruptly. I wouldn’t have guessed they were vampires, and it took me by surprise when you introduced a mom and that the characters were children. They acted so grown up in the beginning. I also thought it was interesting that you jumped from character to character and their thoughts. Good luck with edits and future months.
      Karisa

  • Kayla stepped down the stairs trying not to make a sound. Noah told her not to ever come down here, but the curiosity was killing her. She promised herself she would be quick and everything would be fine. Kayla […]

    • So mysterious. I love where this story is going, please tell me more!

    • ooh, very dark and mysterious. Don’t touch things you don’t know about! A staff is just begging to be magical in that array. I’ll be interested to see where you take this. thanks for sharing.

    • Hi Ester

      Oooh, scary stuff, left with lots of unknowns here. About the mystery person, the reason for the weaponry, what Noah’s all about, and why Kayla is so inquisitive. Great set up for explanations!

      Martin

  • Julia let our a breath of relief as she finally entered the forest. She gave a clicking sound and three figures appeared.

    “The festival has started, it’s now safe to go without being noticed.” Julia whisp […]

    • You’ve done well at using your imagination with a simple prompt “the lawn”. I’m intrigued to read on, but unfortunately you didn’t have more words to use. My only critique is that you’ve shown Matt to be a pyromaniac rather than a psychopath, and I’m not sure how that makes him important to kidnapping the prince. In other words too much information crammed into so few words; it would have worked better for a longer piece.

  • “Hey Jacks.”

    “How’s it going?”

    “What are you doing here, River?”

    “What do you think?”

    “I’ve come to help you.”

    Jack brushed his hands threw his hair and paced back and forth in frustration. He pointed […]

  • Load More

EsterS28

Profile picture of EsterS28

@esters28

active 6 days, 9 hours ago