• Hi Susanne,
    Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m glad the scene works well, I was concerned about it. And not even reminding myself this is a first draft was helping. I’m glad it was enticing enough for you to want to read more! Thanks again. I’m so glad you enjoyed it.

  • CHAPTER 27

    “Why don’t we just smash them with a hammer?” I mimed.

    “My nan always used to say you don’t want to kill all the cockroaches, you want a few to survive, barely, so they can go back and tell the other […]

    • Hi Elaine, I read your scene to find out how you were going to solve your plot problems (you talked about them in the writing session). But I suppose what you talked about will be relevant later. This scene worked well, I think it’s great that you explained about Harvey Dent as not everybody is a Batman afficionado. The way the girl looks for her phone, the way she talks to the two men leaves her to be somewhat ambiguous, which I think is good, it’s foreshadowing the ending of this scene. And the last line is the ultimate hook! Looking forward to the next scene.

      • Hi Susanne,
        Thank you for reading and commenting. I’m glad the scene works well, I was concerned about it. And not even reminding myself this is a first draft was helping. I’m glad it was enticing enough for you to want to read more! Thanks again. I’m so glad you enjoyed it.

  • Thanks, Monica. It probably should have been Kit. Damn it. Oh well. I’ll have to push through and see if I can make Hannah work.

  • CHAPTER 26

    I could hear Fred tearing down the stairs as I flew out of the door. Perhaps being of a lighter build and a runner gave me the edge. I was gaining on the intruder and leaving Fred behind. The intruder, […]

    • Monica replied 1 week ago

      I always love how you end your scenes (always a surprise!) I have nothing helpful to add except perhaps Hannah may not be who she says she is. I thought for a hot second that it might be Kit! Well done! PS: I hope Mike is still one of the good guys.

      • Thanks, Monica. It probably should have been Kit. Damn it. Oh well. I’ll have to push through and see if I can make Hannah work.

  • Glad you enjoyed the humour! I agree – no to squirrel pie! It’s always good to reinforce the plot points, I think. Keeps both me and the reader on track. Just about to post the next chapter! I have some very brief medical stuff in there. Hope I’ve got it right.

  • Hi Monica! Thank you. At this point, I have no idea who he’s chasing. I have 3 days to figure it out. LOL.

  • Thank you, Bogdana. I’m delighted you enjoyed it.

  • Thanks so much, Paul. And not one -ly word in the lot! LOL. Thank you for your kind compliments,

  • Aw thanks so much, Monica! SO glad you’re enjoying it!

  • Forgot to press the arrow. sorry. But my reply is there.

  • Thanks so much, Jodie. Delighted you enjoyed it.

  • The hall clock was ratcheting up to a chime. A light breeze fondled the edges of the palm in the copper pot by the French windows. A rattan chair creaked as its occupant shifted. From the room across the hallway […]

    • Interesting story – to gamble such high stakes with scrabble. Loved it.

    • Thanks so much, Jodie. Delighted you enjoyed it.

    • Great story Elaine. Live your word choices and descriptive writing….”ratcheting up to a chime” the breeze fondling “the edge of the palm” and great raising of the stakes here” If I won, I’d get his house. The home he’d swindled from my father, driving him to suicide.”

      I love the short word counts…gives time to revisit writers!
      G

    • Hello Elaine,

      I love the way you use language to get the reader in your story – I could feel the hot wather and the tension on account of the stakes.
      It is quite the twist and surprise you decided the game to be scrabble and not poker or black jack, like one would expect. I find it very fresh and interesting.
      Love the way you interpreted the prompt.
      Thank you for sharing! 🙂

    • Hi Elaine,

      And aren’t we all glad for the shorter word count. As always, you have played a blinder.
      How clever to employ scrabble to deliver such sweet revenge.
      A good choice of clever verbs to adorn a wonderful story.
      Well played.

      Thank you for sharing.
      Cheers,
      Paul

      • Thanks so much, Paul. And not one -ly word in the lot! LOL. Thank you for your kind compliments,

  • CHAPTER 25Fred pulled me back to safety on the roof. He lifted a finger to his lips and whispered almost imperceptibly, ‘Shh’, motioned with his head to follow him and, still shaking, I crawled back through the […]

    • What?! Who is he chasing! Gaaah! At least we know Fred “may” be one of the good guys? Maybe? My heart is racing! Great work!

    • Yikes! John is in a tricky spot, what with being followed and possibly bugged. Luckily he’s got help, but I think he’s prudent for being cautious about who he trusts. I’m noticing how you reinforce the plot points – the condemning x-rays and the suspicious circumstances around the princess’s death. The comedic decoy conversation lightens the overall mood and injects humour into the scene. I agree with John – no to squirrel pie!

      • Glad you enjoyed the humour! I agree – no to squirrel pie! It’s always good to reinforce the plot points, I think. Keeps both me and the reader on track. Just about to post the next chapter! I have some very brief medical stuff in there. Hope I’ve got it right.

  • Aw, thanks, Preston! Glad you enjoyed it.

  • Thank you, Eva-Maria! So glad you’re enjoying it.

  • CHAPTER 24

    “You look like death, mate. You okay?”

    I turned my head. It felt like lead, my neck stiff and jerky. I was aware of only of bald head, beard, tattoos, wide belly.

    “You okay?” he asked again. “Maybe […]

    • Very well done, Elaine! Just when I was sure that Mike was one of the bad guys and Fred one of the good guys you made me doubt again! Poor John! I wonder what the Princess did to ‘deserve’ being killed… Is Fred being protective of her or is he showing his hatred/contempt?

    • Hi Elaine! Great twist to have John suspect Mike… His raw emotion and flashbacks to childhood convey his confusion and betrayal well as he grapples with the new information. Great conflict.

    • Stunning job! I am jealous of how effortless this appears to have been written. You can reveal so much with such great economy – how do you do that? Loved the paragraph about the bread arriving, especially this sentence, “The aroma of hot, fresh bread that had only just come out of the oven was one of almost overwhelming comfort.” Soaring prose! The juxtaposition of their conversation on the roof and the hawk – brilliant. And as always, a lovely lovely I-did-not-expect-that cliffhanger. You are a magician!

  • Hi Monica. Thanks for reading and for your kind comments. Kit, as far as I know, is still in London… but, hmmm, now that’s a thought 😀
    That’s the trouble with first-person narrator, you can only see/hear/experience what he/she is.

  • Hi Susanne,
    I had replied ages ago. Perhaps I forgot to press ‘Comment’. Sorry about that. Thanks for pointing out the edits needed. I’ve made them. I’ll try and work in some descriptions of the view for you this week! 😀 Thank you for reading and commenting!

  • CHAPTER 23The cottage had never looked so deserted. As a child I used to imagine that the cottage had somehow known we were coming to visit and had always greeted us with relief and even joy, putting on a bright […]

    • HI Elaine, wow, what a hook again! Mike with the gorillas? I still think he is a goodie, the way you described the encounter with John had me feeling, Mike was ignorin him on purpose as if to warn him. Well, next week will tell me if I’m right…This scene was speedy read-through, well-told. In the intro, I likes how you contrasted the memory of the cottage with the reality of it. Because the cottage looks o deplorable now, I noticed this sentence where you said that the views from the cottage made up for any shortcomings. You might want to expand this sentence, it’s just telling me, I would love to have at least one of those views described to me.
      Two little things for the edit: In the second paragraph, second sentence, there seems to be a word missing. Like this, it makes little sense…The transition from the car to the cottage was a bit abrupt (2nd to 3rd paragr) for me. I think it’s just the pronoun, if you changed “it” to “the cottage” it would make it easier to read. Otherwise you’re still with the car (also an “it”). Great scene, now on to the next, I want to know about Mike and the gorillas 😉

      • Hi Susanne,
        I had replied ages ago. Perhaps I forgot to press ‘Comment’. Sorry about that. Thanks for pointing out the edits needed. I’ve made them. I’ll try and work in some descriptions of the view for you this week! 😀 Thank you for reading and commenting!

    • Nah, that can’t be. Mike is kidnapped? And where is Kit? I enjoyed the STRONG sense of place (and memory) you created. I could taste the sugar-dusted donuts! I’d like to believe that Mike was trying to warn him – great cliff hanger.

      • Hi Monica. Thanks for reading and for your kind comments. Kit, as far as I know, is still in London… but, hmmm, now that’s a thought 😀
        That’s the trouble with first-person narrator, you can only see/hear/experience what he/she is.

  • Hi Chris, Thanks for reading and your kind compliments. I’m so glad you enjoyed my story.

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Elaine Dodge

Profile picture of Elaine Dodge

@elainedodge

Active 3 days, 12 hours ago
Short Story : 7
Poetry : 0
WTC : 0
52 Scenes : 30
Dialogue : 0