• Hi Anusuya. Thank you very much for your feedback. I will take them all on board – they all make sense and will use them as pointers in a second draft and future stories. I’ve been doing this since January and wrote no stories prior, so this is my third – very much a beginner. Thank you again for your very helpful feedback.

  • I liked the way your story wove the fictional with the factual, very imaginative. At the end, I felt like it was the boy who had the whole dream to escape his situation – to feel free. I like the ambiguity. I enjoy this story, which never felt long with the actions and descriptions conjuring images like the sandpiper. Well done.

  • Darren changed their profile picture 1 week, 5 days ago

  • Hi. I liked your story. The office conspiracies and wars amongst colleagues seemed realistic. Internal politics is rife. I liked the open ending. This could easily be a longer story. Well done.

  • Mark collapsed backwards onto the floor and started tensing. His eyes rolled into his head. His head cracked repeatedly on the floor. His mouth released blood. His body continued to shudder until finally […]

    • Hi Darren. Good work putting up a story for such a high word count. I found the premise of your story an intriguing one, and it kept me hooked to the very end. You give the reader an accurate picture of how lost Mark feels in the midst of all that’s happening – the unexpected seizure, the normal test reports, the unknown hand in the light of the flames. I also liked the way you repeated the ditty about Mark’s appearance, at different points and it’s a good way to end your story.
      You mention this is the first draft; so I won’t talk about the typos and missing words – you’ll catch those yourself when you do an edit.
      Since you’ve said any feedback is welcome, Darren, I’m giving you my observations.
      1. This sentence is awkward : “It sounds like an epileptic seizure. How does that sound?” I get that the question pertains to what the doc has said before the previous sentence. Perhaps you can change the placement of this question so it doesn’t seem odd?
      2. When writing dialogue for different people, it’s a good practice to put each person’s parts on separate lines – it makes it easier for the reader to follow the conversation.
      3. In the scene where the voice exhorts Mark to leave and follow it, the voice is only talking about how staying back will be painful. Perhaps making the voice persuade Mark about how he can use his gifts to help the world will show a stronger motivation for Mark to leave? Also, this reminds me, maybe it would be a good idea to ‘show’ some examples of the qualities Mark has, which are the ones that make the voice choose him?
      4. The beginning and the middle of the story have a lot of detail; the last part of the story seems a bit rushed. That could be because you wanted to stick to the word count. If you edit this piece by cutting out some of the details in the beginning and the middle, you will find you have more words towards the end. Doing this will ensure that the story flows at an even pace throughout.
      5. Since you have different parts to the story, it would be a good thing to indicate the breaks by using “xxxx” or some such notation.
      6. Your mention of ‘Mary’ towards the end threw me for a bit, but I realized that’s oversight and you probably meant Sarah.

      All in all, a great effort, Darren, and a good first draft. I don’t know if you’re new to 12 SS or have been around a while. I’ve been with this group from when it started in 2017, and if there’s anything I can say from my personal experience, it’s that continuing to write and get feedback on this group will really help you grow as a writer.
      All the very best for all the stories yet to come, Darren.

    • Darren replied 1 week ago

      Hi Anusuya. Thank you very much for your feedback. I will take them all on board – they all make sense and will use them as pointers in a second draft and future stories. I’ve been doing this since January and wrote no stories prior, so this is my third – very much a beginner. Thank you again for your very helpful feedback.

  • I enjoyed the story. It”s like ‘don’t judge a book by its cover.’ Although the ‘hobo’ appeared useless, such people have the human ability to fight for what is right when it matters. It comes across as like a diary entry or condensed part of a memoir, which gives the story added power. Well done!

  • I like the way you used the prompt to enter the story. I thought it was going to be a romantic read, but the writing still kept me reading – very good descriptions of character. It was a good twist to discover who was following who and gives an atmosphere of paranoia due to the ‘coincidences.’ I read in a previous comment about reducing the…[Read more]

  • Thank you very much for taking the time to read and comment on my story. I will be sure to return the favour over the next couple of days. Thank you!

  • Hi. I enjoyed the story. It spoke to me about being open to possibilities, like the main character found a card and decided to act on it. These simple, seemingly trivial things can end up having a big impact – kind of like going down the rabbit hole to see where it ends. I liked the descriptions of not knowing what she wants – it happens a lot to…[Read more]

  • Darren's profile was updated 1 month, 1 week ago

  • This story reminds me of a David Lynch film. Initially we have the everyday and then move on to the mysterious. The mystery is really well conveyed, becoming unnerving. It seems to be part of a larger story, it could definitely be fleshed out more. The mystery man is the most captivating character when he has been introduced, I would want to read…[Read more]

  • I liked this story. Particularly it seems not to be about the job hunt but more like a ‘someone who understands hunt.’ At the end she finds someone who understands, but I also think the story points out that people don’t know us, but also we don’t know other people or their histories. The only thing I would recommend is breaking the text into…[Read more]

  • Steve was struck by the amazing array of three dimensional masks behind the counter. The masks
    were all hanging in rows along the wall – it looked like a gallery ranging from the typical horror to
    everyday p […]

    • Although you telegraphed where the story was going, the tale was fun, freaky, fantastical.

    • I was hooked from the moment I saw “Horror” as the genre right down to the last sentence!! A fantastic and gripping read. Also very easy and smooth read. You didn’t exaggerate anything like horrors usually do, which is great!

    • I could see where the story was going, but it made for an entertaining, creepy read! Thoroughly enjoyable, and I think what creeped me out the most was the smell of disinfectant, which permeated the store as well as your story! Well done and I look forward to reading more of your stories.

    • Thank you very much for taking the time to read and comment on my story. I will be sure to return the favour over the next couple of days. Thank you!

  • Thank you very much for your encouraging comment Anusuya.

  • I enjoyed your story Mary. I like the idea of a small informal coalition against the formal mass coalition. I really liked the description of the garden with its rows of flowers.

    Thank you for sharing.

  • Thank you for your comment Mary and for taking the time.

  • Darren's profile was updated 2 months, 1 week ago

  • Darren's profile was updated 2 months, 1 week ago

  • I like the story because it’s often something people can relate to – typing errors which can often be funny and frustrating in equal measure. The only suggestion I can make is to maybe break the story into shorter sentences just so it reads easier.
    Well done!

  • Mary struggled to lift her head. She slowly straightened her arms and was able to raise herself off the floor. Staring disappointingly at her wrinkled hands flat on the floor, she glimpsed her split grey locks […]

    • Hi Darren,
      I was hooked by your story immediately in your first paragraph. Your vivid descriptions of Mary put me right in the scene with her. You continue to carry me through the story with your descriptions of the hospital setting as well as her time in Paris. The pacing of the story is well done. I especially liked the ending leaving me with the feeling of hope for the future. My favorite description… “a Seine-wide smile”!
      It was a pleasure to read your story….thank you for sharing!
      Mary (Good name!)
      P.S. Actually maybe that’s why your story stuck with me, your character Mary reminds me of me.

    • I found your story a poignant reminder of how age catches up, making one feel physically and emotionally weaker than before. You picturized Mary well, giving the reader a sense of what she’s going through at every stage. I liked your open ending of the story on a hopeful note. Thank you for sharing!

Darren

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@dweaver

active 1 week ago