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  • “THAT…is going to leave a mark.”

    Zara, squatting in front of Smallhill, shot Marcus a dirty look while dabbing the sergeant’s forehead with disinfectant. “Is everything a joke to you?”

    Marcus tested the binding […]

    • Hey Doug, Looks like a chapter of a book, and a good one. Trouble is, in the short story format, I can’t sort out all the characters. Nevertheless, the action carried me forward. It moved so fast the Momma ending surprised me. Keep it up.

    • You did a great job pulling me into the story right from the beginning, the setting was clear in my imagination, you piqued my interest in wanting to know who these characters were, where they were and what they were doing there. Most of these questions were answered as the action and the tension ramped up, although I wanted to see more differentiation between the characters and get a better feel for their roles aside from their titles. I hope you develop this further, because I was thoroughly engaged and engrossed in the story. I want more 🙂 But, I have more questions – for instance, where is the ship that brought them there, how long have they been there, what is the state of the ship and are there others on the ship? Please tell me this is the start of a series, and I might look forward to more next month? Great work, Doug!

  • Doug and Profile picture of zannierosezannierose are now friends 2 weeks, 2 days ago

  • A beautiful story in a small package. Matchbox sized. I really liked your first line, “The dark and crowded junk shop smelled of so many yesterdays.” it was much more effective than a visual introduction, and really put me into the setting. I could smell it. Well done.

  • This was great. Loved the last line about the CCTV footage, but a little creeped out they have surveillance in their bedroom. Of course, I don’t have random belly dancers cavorting about in my bedroom. Really enjoyed this story, and the two scene cuts at the end were well done in this tiny word count.

  • Andrea, you made very good use of the senses in this piece. And it was a great portrayal of the struggle this person goes through just to get through the day. Well done.

  • Well, that was unexpected. In a good way. You accomplished a lot in very few words. I will say I was a little confused at the beginning. It appears his wife is sitting to his right, and this person comes up to ask him to dance, but I read it as his wife asking him. Still, a good read and fun.

  • Doug commented on the post, Tempted by Seyi 2 weeks, 2 days ago

    Seyi, you always hit the mark! You said this started out as an exercise in projecting tension. Well, you succeeded. Plus this is a whole story in and of itself. Vampires beating people down with Faberge eggs. Amazing.

  • This was a great scene to advance your story given even the small word count. It showed Mariam’s character and her ability to stand up to adversity. It also implies the arrogance of her captors, since they obviously don’t see her as much of a threat; putting her in a room alone, unbound. Look forward to more.

  • I loved your description of Randy at the start, it perfectly captured his look and his character in so few words. And the hustle he ran was good too. A progression of agreement he figured would just spill over into him getting the money. Very well done.

  • “Oh, I want it.”

    “Stop breathing so heavily, you’ll attract attention.”

    “But she looks so…tasty.”

    “You realize how creepy that sounds, right?”

    “But it’s true. Look. Do you disagree?

    “Well, no. I […]

    • Quite a tale packed in this story. I like how it unfolded. Skilful dialogue.

    • Vampires, werewolves… always seem to come in deliciously wrapped outer appearance. Loved the challenge and the pace. Thank you for sharing.

    • Love the reversal and the dialogue-only works really well. Definitely creeped out by the men at the beginning lol

    • Hi Doug,
      It was creepy at first, confusing so where in the middle, and deliciously surprising at the end. Loved every bit of it! Astrid

    • Seyi replied 1 month ago

      Hey Doug, and howzit? I initially missed out on the ‘silver bullets’ detail but a quick re-read settled all questions. The second read me appreciate the nuances of that first section even more (The pause before ‘tasty’ is prize-winning.) Well done with the dialogue as well, it doesn’t flag once and nothing seems wasted. Best regards, Seyi

    • Just a tad bit creepy, until the tables were turned, and they two men went from the hunter to the hunted. A fun read, Doug! I enjoyed this very muc.

    • Fun stuff. I’m a fan of dialogue and use use it well. Loved the hunter prey switch. Good stuff in a small package.

  • Doug commented on the post, Boots by Seyi 2 months, 2 weeks ago

    Seyi,
    I love this. It is so imaginative and visual. The main character is well-shaped and you get a very good understanding of his world and his situation in a very compact story. I am not sure I have any suggestions for improvement, it seems whole in itself. Good work.

  • oh boy. Things are going from bad to worse. That’s great! I love the fact that now we have identified these folks as also being from Earth, probably. And they didn’t just warp there, they had to take generation ships. At this point, I am wondering if the virus wasn’t just something “natural” for them, like smallpox was for Europeans when they came…[Read more]

  • Thank you so much PJ. I am glad you enjoyed it.

  • Jason stepped off the last rung of the egress ladder and his foot kicked up a cloud. He looked down at his scuffed and worn boots, powdered with the dust of a thousand ruined worlds. This would be the last. Nearby […]

    • let me just say: WOW, Doug! That was intense and cinemagraphic, I could see the action playing out in my mind like the climax of an thriller movie. I loved the idea of the Resonance, the godlike essence that gave them so much power; how sad that they used it to destroy the world and all that was in it – but what wonderful imagination you must have to create this! Your writing is excellent, it’s tight and taut, your descriptions paint the scene in my imagination, and while I wanted to feel sympathy for your characters, I was more in awe of their powers and saddened for them for the destruction they wrought. This was a wonderful story, and I have nothing to suggest for improvements. Bravo!

    • Eish, Doug, you lit this story up. I love that opening paragraph, where you set the scene. The dramatic ‘burning of his bridges’ let me know Michael would take no prisoners. No disappointment with the action scenes that follow, and I really liked the half-details you allowed with your description of the Resonance. This allowed my imagination to take up the slack. I’d suggest you review your use of the word ‘egress’ in your opening, though. I’m not sure it strengthens the line. Also, do have a look at the line immediately after ‘Michael was nearby’ in your third paragraph. I was momentarily unsure which ‘He’ you referred to. Hope these help and I also hope you expand on this storyline. The premise is powerful and though it has shades of ‘The Matrix,’ there’s enough that sets it apart for you to have a seriously great time, developing. Well done, and all the best. Seyi

  • Doug commented on the post, Jewels by Juanita 3 months ago

    Juanita, this is a wonderful little story. Anecdotal in its form and moving in its meaning. I didn’t have a book mobile when I grew up, but we did have a library that was probably a lot better than you would expect. A relic of when the town I grew up in had money. As the mines closed and the steel plants shut down, so did the minds of my…[Read more]

  • Cobus, I really liked this. I don’t have any builds or comments. I read well and was complete in an of itself. You did a good job of showing the characters and the setting, rather than “telling” them. Good work.

  • Peggy, this is a good start. And I am here at the beginning this time. The pacing on this story is good, but it covers a lot of ground for the word count. As you continue you might consider “zooming in” a bit on the characters or particular situation and giving us more to chew on. This is something I find myself having to do as well.

    That…[Read more]

  • Doug commented on the post, Jewel by Seyi 3 months, 1 week ago

    Seyi, I was wondering what was up when the DVM proved to be such a pleasant place, at first. Luckily, the nefarious plot to improve the user experience was crushed! This was a great read, as usual. I only have a couple comments. At one point, you say the speakers were giving out “decipherable sounds”. Not sure if that was deliberate, but it might…[Read more]

  • Jewel didn’t know many bullets were left in the gun, but she reckoned it was her only chance. It was laying next to daddy just inside the door, along with four bodies. The door was hanging on torn hinges, from w […]

    • Hey Doug and how goes it? This is one dark tale, and I really like the telling. The line that I liked the most was at first, ‘Jewel had never fired a gun, but had watched TV.‘ Then I came upon the penultimate line which is funny, scary, and sad all at once. I missed the genre description so I thought I was reading a shoot-em-up revenge tale until you wrote the cellar scene. Well done and all the best. Regards, Seyi

    • Vampires in a post apocalyptic world? Who’d have thought! Well, you did, obviously, which is super imaginative and very creative. Your storytelling is masterful, I felt like I was inside that house, trembling in fear for Jewel (though I really didn’t need to fear for her, did I!?) and cheering her on for her bravery and bravado. Loved the twist at the end, when we see the true nature of Jewel’s family – “come on up and get something to eat while it’s still warm.”
      I simply loved everything about this story, the action, the edginess, the way you made me care for Jewel. Well done, and thanks for entertaining me!

    • Wow, that was totally unexpected!! You got my attention to what I thought would end ordinarily, and then whammee! Good build up of suspense and understatement at the end.

    • Oh my, I loved the twist. Mama sounds like a peach with her multiple legs and bloodlust. It’s a great start to the year. Take care.

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Doug

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@dougl

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