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  • Very lovely story! Easy to read and I think the way you flipped character views worked really well! The characters were both incredibly likeable!
    Thank you for sharing!

  • The overall story was interesting and I found intriguing with the scheming. I did have trouble sometimes with the side details, for me, it slowed the pace of the story and bogged down a little bit of your suspense. A little more showing not telling would be helpful to enhance this too I think. But overall lovely storyline! Thank you for sharing

  • “Watching creatures sleep can be very tedious, even exhausting at times, but that is the name of the game. Placing dreams is no easy task. You need to make sure the right dream gets to the right creature and p […]

    • Interesting how the universal dream which is good actually had bad effects. Very well done. I really liked the beginning also.
      Thank you for this story. It was such fun with a deeper meaning.

    • I found this concept absolutely delightful. It’s very clever and very creative. The way one event leads to and causes another is well-described and very solid in this story. Very well done on that. I did pick up a few typos, but I’m sure you know about them. I have my own to go clean up for this month, haha. Thank you so much for sharing

    • I liked the way your story wove the fictional with the factual, very imaginative. At the end, I felt like it was the boy who had the whole dream to escape his situation – to feel free. I like the ambiguity. I enjoy this story, which never felt long with the actions and descriptions conjuring images like the sandpiper. Well done.

    • Wonderful story! Very creative. Ill admit that suggesting MLKs dream was actually someone else’s didn’t sit with me well on the first read through – but after I had read the story and knew where it was going it didn’t bother me as much.

    • Nice. If only it were so simple. Brought memories of Lois Lowery’s The Giver.

    • This was a really nice read! I liked how you used the fact one dream can mean different things to different people, and how they are put into action.
      The whole story was conceptualized really well. 🙂

    • The concept is surprisingly imaginative. The body of the story could use a slight make-over by limiting the numbers of pad words “…there was this on time…” instead of “…once… or crutch words like “the” or “a” or “was” or “seemed” instead of action verbs. Crutch words fee like the reader is being told rather than shown the story. I found the switch from the opening first-person paragraphs to the middle narrative third-person a little jarring, but it’s only 2500 words, so it had to start somewhere. I also loved the cheek comedy of displaced dreams and their causes and effects. Very clever, that. All-in-all, a very clever and imaginative concept which just needs a tiny bit of tweaking in the delivery to make a perfectly beautiful fable.

    • Good read. Great concept.

    • Lovely tale! I love the description of the sandpipers. I would suggest asteriks to indicate a scene change. Also it might be smoother if you pick first or third person- I really liked her rambling voice so I’d vote for first. Or if you were switching between POV, I would like to hear more about the boy.

    • What Harvey said. Very imaginative. I think you could help your readers by easing the reading as follows:
      (1) shorter paragraphs. The text became very dense for me, which made it hard to stay focused.
      (2) more dialogue. Trish was in a monologue for a while, and I think it would’ve helped the pace if that could be turned into a dialogue with her chosen successor.
      (3) avoiding the head-hopping. Choosing one character’s POV would certainly make the reader commit to that character. If it was me, I’d choose the boy – you’ve had to cram too much of his motivation into the last paragraph, whereas I think his desire to escape his circumstances would have provided a lovely frame for the story if the readers were given this from the beginning

      Probably because of (2) and (3) above, it felt for me a if the opening scene should’ve been the one where Trish speaks to the boy and he is taken along on her vision.

      There is some really interesting potential in this story – I can see this as a Pixar animation!

    • A very interesting and original story. I’m reminded of a well-known book by NZ author Elizabeth Knox ‘Dreamhunter’, and contains the same other worldly and yes, dreamlike atmosphere.

    • Very interesting story! I love the concept of the sandpipers, as well as the idea of how dreams could be interpreted different ways.
      I agree that it was a little dense at times, and could use some pruning of excess. You do, however, do a good job of “show don’t tell”.
      All in all, a delightful story.

  • cmschneider1418 changed their profile picture 8 months, 1 week ago

  • That was a fun story, I enjoyed reading it. The play on words was very clever and the scene flowed well! I also got a good sense of who Hinemoa was. Very well done!

  • Loved the twist at the end! Such a wonderful story, very clear and the imagery was great as well! You did a lot with the limited word count! Great read, I’d love to know what happens next.

  • Enjoyed the imagery you had, some spots were a bit choppy for me. I got a little confused as to where she was and what/why she was trying to escape. But overall I really liked your storyline and the world created! Great job!

  •            Carmen knelt down and embraced the large cream-colored mountain cat that stopped at her side. They sat for a moment staring ahead at the ancient warrior city nestled in the mountains. “Soon we will hav […]

    • Gripping story, I read it in a flash well done.

    • I loved your story and found it flowed smoothly, captured my attention. I enjoyed the relationship between the woman and mountain cat. I followed the beginning of the battle but soon it got overwhelming, although I am a bit of a wuss when it comes to these things.
      Still in was potent to meet a woman warrior who is also tender with her companion. How sad that he had to die. And yes, it makes sense that he did.

      Well done!

    • This story flowed well and I could follow the choreography of the fights, which is not always an easy thing to do, or to write. I did seem to think the two warriors coming at her at the same time might be difficult, as I pictured this happening on a narrow trail. But that might just be me. Good, engaging, and kept things moving.

    • Great job telling a story of exciting adventure, beautiful friendship and heartbreaking loss, especially in so few words. I really enjoyed your story!

    • very enjoyable read. great action sequences and lovely description of the emotional bond from the main characters. well done.

    • A very enjoyable story but very sad. I was very sorry that Raul had to due before Carmen realized what was really important in life. Thank you for sharing.

    • Well written. You developed a bond with your characters very well. Almost stopped reading when you used the word whimpered. I knew what was coming.

    • Hi, I really enjoyed your story. It was fast paced and full of action. I did find Raul’s death very sad. And it really brings perspective to things. I think we often don’t know what we have till it is gone (cliched I know) and this story really brought that home. Well done and thanks for sharing.

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active 2 months, 3 weeks ago