fbpx
  • Maryn sagged into the plastic airport chair, weary to the bone. Heat pressed in from every direction; it was hard to breathe the damp air. Just five minutes and she would gather her bags and move again. Five […]

  • Thank you for reading and commenting, Zainab. There is room for a lot of interpretation by the reader in this story. It does have its roots in me trying to stay awake to finish one more thing when my body is demanding I sleep. Like this story! 🙂 Your thoughts as a reader are what you bring to the story and I am thankful that you did!

  • Thank you for your help! This really was a very experimental piece and it is so helpful to know where it might be made stronger. Thanks for reading and commenting!

  • Thanks so much for reading and commenting Seyi. This was a real stretch for me, and I wasn’t sure it would work at all, so your comments are very encouraging. Thank you!

  • Hanna
    It has been so interesting to see the different takes on this prompt and your story is no exception. And then you pour so much emotion and pull in so many senses in just 500 words. And touch the heart too. Wonderful story!

  • Hi Seyi,
    I think I could read this piece a few more times and notice something different each time. There is so much here in so few words! As others have said, you are quite the expert at weaving in a few grins amid the grit and darkness. Fantasy really isn’t my reading genre either, but your writing never disappoints. It’s another “well…[Read more]

  • Hi Susan,
    I do love your take on the prompt and my goodness there is so much in these 500 words, obviously well-chosen. From the first line you let the reader know that something is amiss, and you play on that so easily throughout. I absolutely love the ending! It’s fun as a reader to imagine what might happen next. Thank you for a very…[Read more]

  • Thank you for an enjoyable read, Zainab M. M. You pulled me in at the start and kept the dialog did keep moving right along till the end. Their words showed the sisters to be very different and also tied in nicely to the end, where it is the bickering that led to their mother’s misfortune. Well done!

  • Hi Susan!
    I love your take on the prompt and how much story you packed into the 500 words. You keep it moving forward and the dialog is natural. So is the situation! It is so hard to parent these days for this very reason. The dangers kids face today are so different from what they were just a few decades ago. The sisters are so realistic.…[Read more]

  • I am fighting my enemy fiercely as this day presses towards its end. There is still much to do before letting one time end and another begin.

    This is a natural thing, I tell myself. An experience common to those […]

    • I have a lot of thoughts. I’m guessing this is about our struggle to be more time efficient and getting more and more done, and not taking of our needs and health. If that is, this is a great piece of literary work.

      • Thank you for reading and commenting, Zainab. There is room for a lot of interpretation by the reader in this story. It does have its roots in me trying to stay awake to finish one more thing when my body is demanding I sleep. Like this story! 🙂 Your thoughts as a reader are what you bring to the story and I am thankful that you did!

    • This seems to me to describe those moments as one falls into sleep, while in the middle of a very stressful time. The ensuing tumbled disorder of a worrying dream or state of semi-consciousness is a horrible place to be. I couldn’t decide whether it was someone’s death or desertion or the appearance of a possible new love that was driving the narrator’s thoughts – when you edit, maybe one or two subtle hints to guide your readers to that ‘aha, that’s what this was about’ moment would enrich the piece further? I liked it – it was a good read.

      • Thank you for your help! This really was a very experimental piece and it is so helpful to know where it might be made stronger. Thanks for reading and commenting!

    • Hey Carolyn and howzit? Wow, this felt intense, even at the first reading. I think everyone will relate to issues of the heart keeping you awake. Thinking about love as ‘the opponent’ that ‘demands maneuvers’ ratchets things up a notch and makes this seem like the musings of someone who’s been hurt before. (Again, relatable to most.) The last line doesn’t bode well, feels like more sleepless nights are coming. Really cool premise and wonderfully written. Regards, Seyi

      • Thanks so much for reading and commenting Seyi. This was a real stretch for me, and I wasn’t sure it would work at all, so your comments are very encouraging. Thank you!

  • What lovely comments, Seyi. Thank you very much. It’s nice to know what works and I do agree that “at the view” is redundant given the description that follows.

    I do appreciate your reading and commenting, even though it’s taken me awhile to say so!

  • A very belated thank you for reading and catching the sunlight, Michael. I do appreciate your comments. I apologize for taking so long to get here to read.

  • The opening is so warm and inviting, and the remainder of the story did not disappoint. It worked well on its own, but I am glad there is more to this story.
    I loved the dialog and the precise description that reveals character.
    I think I will go make some tea because at 12:25 AM it is finally quiet in my house. LOL!

  • This read like the opening scenes of a doomsday movie. Which it was. The description is so precise, playing over all the senses, yet never ever overdone. My husband hunted with a compound bow, and your description of his weapon also did a lot to draw me in. The blood and guts were not gratuitous but all part of the chaotic aftermath, necessary…[Read more]

  • I love your stories. Every time I open your page, I am confident I am in for a treat.

    Some of my favorite lines from this piece:
    *careening toward the relationship equivalent of Kindergarten. I went from lazily hooking pinky fingers with him to awkward hand shakes with strangers.
    *Jake whisked me out of the studio and into the streets…[Read more]

  • You made me giggle! Mama Bear with a blue rinse? LOL! Poor Mr. Perkins. You let me suffer right along with him.

    Such an interesting take on the prompt, Ruth! Lovely flow. I enjoyed it very much.

  • She watched him from the doorway of his room. He looked small in the bed.  Maybe this wasn’t her childhood knight.  Yet how many people were named a color? If he would open his eyes, she would know for sure.  They […]

    • Gosh! I think I just wandered through a dream lol I loved this but I was confused at times as to who was speaking and to whom. The short sharp dialogue did wonders for the pace but I think it also led me to read more quickly than I normally would and I missed bits? That’s not your fault, it’s mine haha On second reading it was much clearer. It was very surreal. I’m not sure how you achieved it but I honestly felt that I was floating above the whole scene observing everything going on. I feel as if there’s lots more to this story – loads of history and an exciting and interesting future ahead. My favourite part was the realisation of that ‘coded’ plea for help and the reversal of roles. Lovely ‘sensitive’ story, Carolyn.

    • Hi Carolyn! This is such a sweet story. I enjoyed how you present such a large conflict for the characters, and walk them through to a resolution. You also did a good job bringing the reader into the past and then back to the present. I’m not sure about grammar, but should the flashback be written in Past Perfect with “had” since the rest of the story is Simple Past? (I’m not an aficionado, I had to look up those names.) I also enjoyed discovering their relationship throughout the whole piece, I was mentally engaged piecing it together and could picture the settings easily — like Ruth said, it felt like I was floating through the scene above the characters, she said that very nicely. Great job and thanks for sharing!

  • What a lovely story. I love the way it circles back with the line: What am I supposed to do with that? And you pull in all the senses in your descriptions, which are unique like “the air dripped with passive-aggressive oil, making each effort at conversation slippery and dangerous” and “cedar-infused air” and then in several places you pull in…[Read more]

  • My workday was almost finished.  I perched on the corner of my desk, torso twisted, to look out the window at the view.  Cars congregated at the stop lights in increasing numbers and the summer sun was sinking t […]

    • A complex situation ably told.

      I liked your description of the slow change of attitude and the growth of trust. The sunlight played an important part in setting the scene aptly.

      Thanks for sharing.

      • A very belated thank you for reading and catching the sunlight, Michael. I do appreciate your comments. I apologize for taking so long to get here to read.

    • Hi Carolyn – I liked the way the situation was revealed gradually, keeping the reader guessing. Nicely done.

    • Hi Carolyn and how goes it? I really enjoyed this tale. The dialogue you used to drive it feels real, as do all the movements by Halia (clearly uncomfortable,) and the part that sunlight plays. I liked the opening sentences and could visualize the ‘twisted torso’ easily but I think it may help if you dropped the words ‘at the view.’ I like the open-ended way you concluded this piece. There is a lot of aooportunity to craft any type of story from the characters and situation you have created. Well done with this and regards, Seyi

      • What lovely comments, Seyi. Thank you very much. It’s nice to know what works and I do agree that “at the view” is redundant given the description that follows.

        I do appreciate your reading and commenting, even though it’s taken me awhile to say so!

  • Load More

Carolyn Dekat

Profile picture of Carolyn Dekat

@carolynd

Active 2 weeks, 2 days ago
Short Story : 0
Poetry : 0
52 Scenes 2022 : 0