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  • “Snow is falling all around me, children laughing, having fun” goes the song on the radio. It’s not even December but the Christmas tunes have begun. I can’t believe it’s that time of year already. It seemed on […]

    • Hi Claire– this is a true slice of life story, isn’t it? Sadly so. But you did a wonderful job telling it in first person. I did get a bit confused with the last few paragraphs when it switched to third person — I’m not sure if that was intentional?

    • Pleasant read and sad, too. Catches the spirit of these pandemic times. As with Patty, the switch in point of view confused me a bit, but the piece as a whole shows the impact of the pandemic on family, especially those who are more isolated.

      Thank you for sharing.

  • Thank you for al the comments so far. As stated above I had totally forgotten about this month and it was rather done very quickly, in fact on deadline day. I’m aware editting needs doing. Now I’ve got computer back (lost everything) I can do one better for the last month of 2021.

  • The soldier stood routed to the spot on guard to a secret place where no-one would ever find.

    He knew that the evil enemies would try to pass him to get inside the secret place.  Only the soldier knew what was […]

    • I almost knew it was a kid with toys! Very funny take on the prompt. Of course, could have used a lot of editing.

    • Very funny! I love the way you lead the reader along by the nose till the last paragraph. (Check for typos – unless of course they are meant to be there because the kid is telling the story!)

    • An engaging story that has a fun premise but I was confused by the changes in tense and voice and I think it could be much clearer with some judicious editing.

      Thanks for sharing.

    • Thank you for al the comments so far. As stated above I had totally forgotten about this month and it was rather done very quickly, in fact on deadline day. I’m aware editting needs doing. Now I’ve got computer back (lost everything) I can do one better for the last month of 2021.

  • I’m sitting high up as far as the rows will take me. It feels like I’m heading towards heaven but not yet knocking on their gates.

    And would you believe it, that’s the music that is blaring around the quiet stadi […]

    • Very descriptive passages – your vivid descriptions drew me in. I could smell and hear the game – and taste the chips! Well done.

    • Hi Claire,
      I love the description, very good picture building. Punctuation needs a little work but a very good feel to your writing.

    • Strong description and sense of voice. The character is painted clearly. This feels like exposition for a larger piece: I get a sense of character but not as much a sense of story/plot. Definitely material to work with here, though, should you choose. Thank you for sharing.

  • Sarah sat by the computer in her office at home. She was continuing with her research of her family tree. A friend told her to do this as it took you places you never knew about your family.

    Sarah’s family as i […]

    • Very nice – story all tied up at the end with the family tree. I love the gifting of the writing desk and typewriter. Needs a little editing – no biggie. All perfectly clear. This could be a much expanded and extended piece. Well done.

    • Lovely story – as the previous reader said it does need a little work still but nice story with a good ending. Well done

    • Thank you for sharing your story with us, Claire. It is a great piece with a lot of scope. As Ellen and Steve said the story needs a bit of editing, and I agree. You know you have the characters, a theme, a plot, and a motive and everything going well. The ending is perfect. Congratulations.

      In terms of editing, please make the sentences shorter. Do break the paragraphs. Read the story again and see if each sentence at least makes sense as a sentence. Let me know if you rework this and need someone to read the story again.

      Thank you.

  • Claire started taking the course 30 Days of Dialogue 5 months, 1 week ago

  • Claire started taking the course 52 Scenes | 2021 5 months, 1 week ago

  • Jenny longed to go away on an adventure. She needed it. She was exhausted after working what felt like four years of war. There were no bombs or soldiers seriously wounded being brought into hospital. Instead, […]

    • Claire, This is such a lovely story about compassion and supporting one another. We don’t often think of the trauma nurses go through on a daily basis. Thank you for sharing.

    • Claire, I too got more into gardening with more working from home during COVID and had some of the same starter struggles, choices on what to grow, all that. I feel like gardening helped to heal some of the damage wreaked on her soul from COVID and maybe being successful in gardening the first time could be more connected to her healing. Just a thought. Lovely story.

  • The hotel room 113 was smelly, dark and spooky. It was a place no one liked to be in.

    The Johnstone family really needed a break after a horrendous year. There was trouble with one of their children as they […]

    • Not bad for a rushed job. I really enjoyed it

    • I really enjoyed the description and atmosphere. I know you were rushed, but feel you did a great job. It could really be fleshed out and fine tuned with more work.

    • Quite good for a rushed work. it kept me in suspense and wanted to go on reading. I loved the mystery .Well done

  • The judge looked at the two defendants sitting at the dock with a confusing face before turning his focus on the witness that had come through the door and was walking towards the stand.

    A man who was very tall […]

    • Wow .Interesting read. Funny way to ex[plain the lock down consequences on people way of living. Tough times call for tough measuares.
      Thanks a lot.
      by Gokatwemang Sololo

    • Very innovative storyline! The pandemic has been hard on everyone. People want to have their daily lives back, no matter the cost, as evidenced by the efforts of the two dim witted pub crawlers!

  • Thanks for sharing this short story. It’s sad that women at any age have to be careful with their drinks on a night out because you just don’t know who can put what into them.

    Great flow and great read.

  • Very good story. Really enjoyed it. Tha ks for sharing.

  • Claire wrote a new post, Angry by claire 8 months ago

    Angry by claire

    #

    I am so angry.

    In fact, I’m so angry that I cannot describe how I am feeling right now!

    I’m sitting at home thinking about what has happened and how it should have been dealt with, in my opi […]

    • Workplace politics! Good Luck!

    • Looks like part of something bigger, not like a complete short story. Well written.

    • Hi Claire, I was really impressed with your style of writing because it gives such a clear and strong picture of the protagonist and her attitude. I agree that it could also be part of a bigger story, but I think it works on its own as well!

  • Claire commented on the post, FRAGILE by claire 8 months ago

    hello everyone that has taken the time in reading the short story. Apologies for not replying, but thank you for the feedback, much appreciated.. I’ve taken it on board hopefully to this month’s story.

  • FRAGILE by claire

    #

    People are always saying life is too short.

    Life is precise.

    Life is fragile.

    And you know something they are right.

    In life we start off not knowing anything and the support from our […]

    • I really enjoyed reading this. You set the tone so well and really told a good story. Thanks for sharing.

    • Hi Claire
      I enjoyed the details and descriptiveness. The best sentence of all “The staff are so busy doing the work they have to do that they don’t have time for us.” There is so much social negativity towards aged care workers, your sentence is insightful and the unfortunate truth.

      You need to work on your grammar, especially mid-sentence when you want to connect two ideas. A couple of examples:

      “And you know something they are right.” This demands some form of punctuation. You ask a question then provide the answer, so: ‘And you know something (?) They are right.’
      “Use the main streets and if you can’t get a taxi home…” There are two ideas in this sentence, that needs some punctuation to connect the two ideas: Use the main streets and if you can’t (,) get a taxi home…’

      I found there was far too much Claire telling us about these characters, rather than let the characters tell their stories (the dreaded show not tell). You give us a tantalising hint with the introduction of Sophie, however, Claire tells us about the good relationship between the women and announces Sophie’s pregnancy. I found myself wishing to see some of that relationship, and I wanted to witness Sophie’s excitement at her news, not just get told about it.

      Overall, I enjoyed this story. You have a nice easy reading style with plenty of room for improvement (who doesn’t?). Thank you for sharing

    • Claire,
      A good subject and story. The fragility of life and the almost unavoidable changes is universal.
      There are a few times where the verb choice is off and sometimes the punctuation is missing. That is enough to temporarily jar the reader out of the story.
      … Use the main streets and if you can’t, (missing a comma here) get a taxi home and we will pay for it if you had no money….
      These life skills were something Heather taught and shown (should be either had shown or showed) her two children …

    • hello everyone that has taken the time in reading the short story. Apologies for not replying, but thank you for the feedback, much appreciated.. I’ve taken it on board hopefully to this month’s story.

  • Thank you for reading the short story. It was a difficult one to write as I couldn’t think of what to write. Everything I write is covid. With this story I wanted to show what its like as a teacher and changes had to be made. Its been difficult for the children a nd I do worry about their future.

  • Thank you for the comments. It was a hard one to write. I couldn’t be creative. Its been hard throughout lockdown as I feel that I’m relating to lockdown. Pleased with the way it’s gone this month on the story.

  • ENOUGH! by claire

    #

    “ENOUGH! bellowed Mr Patrick.

    “I know it’s your first day back at school after being away for so long, because of the covid 19. But there are break and lunch times to talk to your frien […]

    • Hi Claire – I had to read your story because we share the same name!!! Mr Patrick really did care about his learners, and you worked hard in your narration to show that. I also thought you’d captured some of the frustrations and shortcomings of the COVID lockdowns very well. Such damage done to so many learners, I fear. I did battle at times to know if words were thoughts or spoken by Mr Patrick, and some of your tenses got a bit muddled. But it was pleasing to read a story with a “happy ending” although we have to imagine that the video helped the learners to understand better and achieve higher grades. Thank you for sharing

      • Thank you for reading the short story. It was a difficult one to write as I couldn’t think of what to write. Everything I write is covid. With this story I wanted to show what its like as a teacher and changes had to be made. Its been difficult for the children a nd I do worry about their future.

    • This is so relevant to how COVID has crushed our souls. I agree with Clare’s recommendations of being more clear over who was talking and keeping your tenses consistent, but I also felt that this piece would be more immediate if it was in first person rather than third. I would love to hear his direct thoughts, his exhaustion and possibly a sarcasm first hand, and get even more invested in the emotional outcome. Thank you for this piece, validating how hard this past year has been on everyone.

      • Thank you for the comments. It was a hard one to write. I couldn’t be creative. Its been hard throughout lockdown as I feel that I’m relating to lockdown. Pleased with the way it’s gone this month on the story.

  • Thank you for the comments. Hopefully we are out soon and can resume to the new normal. It was nice to reflect on what we miss.

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Claire

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@burclaire21

Active 1 month, 2 weeks ago
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