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  • Thank you for the feedback. I suppose it could be turned into a novel. Never thought of it. There is some bits that is based on a true event in my life. Got annoyed and angry writing about it and now feel better lol.

  • Thank you for the feedback 😊

  • Just wondering if you’ve read the previous month story? Is it just the actions I need to work on in this short story?

    Also wondering if the story is written for young adults or just adults. I’m trying to write for young adults on here and would like to improve for the next story. Been a challenge for the first year and learning all the time,…[Read more]

  • JEALOUS OF THEIR HAPPINESS by claire

    Taken from the last short story

    #

    I sat at the bottom stairs crying my eyes out. I was only protecting my best friend Matty and I still did not believe a word that was […]

    • strange are the circumstances sometimes , well written connecting events smoothly

    • Hi Claire: I’m glad I read this continuation. It was really well done and added to the story from last time. I really liked where this was going. It looks like you have left yourself an opening to continue this story further if you wanted to. I can see this becoming a novel even. It really brings up the emotions of jealousy best friends can have. Keep up the good writing!

      • Thank you for the feedback. I suppose it could be turned into a novel. Never thought of it. There is some bits that is based on a true event in my life. Got annoyed and angry writing about it and now feel better lol.

    • There’s something weird about the unfocused writing, every scene just stumbles into the next. I’d suggest reading more, broaden how you express actions. Overall, I like it!

      • Just wondering if you’ve read the previous month story? Is it just the actions I need to work on in this short story?

        Also wondering if the story is written for young adults or just adults. I’m trying to write for young adults on here and would like to improve for the next story. Been a challenge for the first year and learning all the time, except my grammar which isn’t the best!

  • Thank you very much. It was a difficult story to write within the words limit. I’m hoping it can continue into this month’s short story. I will follow your advice and will see if I can make a little story out of it. I’m starting to have a beginning as I write this to you.

    Once again thank you for your feedback.

  • What a lovely story and thank you for writing it. It did remind me for Beatrix potter and of star wars. Very lovely to read. Flows nicely.

  • A lovely short short. Love the character and how she is up front but I’m sure that laugh that made everyone laugh would probably got me laughing.

    I hope she can overcome and find happiness

  • Jumping to conclusions by Claire
    #
    I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it!
    How could she do this!
    How could she just hurt someone like that!
    He is my best friend. The loveliest person you will ever mee […]

    • Jane replied 1 month ago

      Hi Claire

      You have written an interesting story here. I tell you what Amanda is the kind of friend you certainly do not need. Either she is in love with him herself, or she just likes to totally control his life. At least he has probably wised up to her now and will cut her out of his life.
      I have sent you some editing tips in a private message on facebook. It does require quite a few edits to make it flow better and easier to read:)
      Well done and thanks for sharing.

    • Hi Claire. This is a tale that needs much more than 1800 words to do it justice I think. Your piece forms a very good first draft/writer’s notes in preparation for the final edited version.
      Read it aloud to yourself to see where you think it sounds good and where it needs a bit of a tidy up. The trouble with a good story is that it makes itself perfectly clear inside the writer’s head but because the reader is not privy to such information, a little more clarity is sometimes needed.
      Keep and eye on your narrator/MC as she appears in 1st, 2nd and 3rd person at different times (I, You, and Amanda) – I think this story probably works best as a 1st person story (which you have chosen most of the time and I agree with your choice).
      I’m guessing that Amanda is a piece of work who wants him for herself OR (and this is where your skill comes into it) she is a controller. This is made obvious by the fact that he rings HER when he needs help with the burglary, he asks her advice about dating – etc and she likes that power she has over him. You did that very well I thought.
      I think you could break this up into, say,6 chapters and make it a ‘long’ short story. Add more layers and depth to the story – I think the possibilities deserve such a rewrite. It’s a good idea and you can turn this into a real ‘bunny burner’! Don’t give up on this story – you have the nucleus of a gripping tale.

      • Thank you very much. It was a difficult story to write within the words limit. I’m hoping it can continue into this month’s short story. I will follow your advice and will see if I can make a little story out of it. I’m starting to have a beginning as I write this to you.

        Once again thank you for your feedback.

    • Interesting story here. Plenty of scope to expand it or a sequel.
      I see Jane and Del ave picked up on most of what I wanted to critique
      “It’s your choice at the end of the day. You are an adult and are capable of making decisions at the end of the day,” Do watch the repetition. it is in a few places.

      Well done and keep it up

    • Hi Claire:
      This definitely has me intrigued. Why would Amanda be this way? What would she gain? It really it a solid start to a longer story I think and is something I would read because it is so interesting. Keep up the good writing!

  • Thank you for your comments. Chuff to bits with this little story.

  • Thank you very much for the lovely comment.

  • Claire posted a new activity comment 2 months, 1 week ago

    Hi, I got your message. Had to look back to see what I wrote. Yes that’s absolutely fine.

  • Kathleen and Profile picture of ClaireClaire are now friends 2 months, 1 week ago

  • Thank you for reading my piece. I’ve been one of those little girls that would be interested in my mum’s make up bag lol 😆

  • Thank you 😊

  • Thank you for reading this and thank you for the feedback.

  • Thank you very much for reading my piece 😊

  • Yes I’m one of them girls who have done this lol. So it was nice to look back and reflect. Thank you for reading this 😊

  • Thank you for reading it 😊

  • Thank you very much

  • THE MAGIC CRAYON by claire
    #
    Rosie was happily colouring her pictures of Care Bears when the 5-year-old, pressed heavily down on her paper which saw her break the crayon in half.

    She sat there with two broken […]

    • Lol… just what every little girl would do at some point. Nice work.

    • Cute! Love it. Thank you for sharing

    • Hello Claire,
      What a cute story. I am smiling as I type, envisioning myself and many other little girls who have done this. What a thrill it is to break into mommy’s lipstick. I love the idea of it being a magic crayon, and could definitely sympathize with Rosie when her crayon broke. Excellent use of the prompt, dialogue and characterization. Nice job!

      • Yes I’m one of them girls who have done this lol. So it was nice to look back and reflect. Thank you for reading this 😊

    • A really lovely story, I love the concept of the magic craton and from the title had no idea and only when she was in the bathroom knew what it was referring to. Really nicely written and put a huge smile on my face. Thanks for sharing!

    • Hi Claire, this was super cute. I loved how she talked of the magic crayon:) The only thing I would suggest is that you don’t mention it being a lipstick in this line:
      Still standing at the sink looking at herself in the mirror, Rosie was trying to work out how to open the lipstick. It did not take long as she pulled the two bits away and there inside, she could see something. There she could see Mummy’s magic crayon that was red. Just what she needed.
      Rosie believes it is a a magic crayon and so the mystery should stay. We can work out it is a lipstick easy enough from your great descriptions.
      I would suggest: Still standing at the sink looking at herself in the mirror, Rosie was trying to work out how to work the magic crayon. It didn’t take long …….. etc.
      Well done and thanks for sharing.

    • Charming! Original take on the prompt! Well done you 🙂

    • Well done, Claire. I love how you’ve managed to get inside the head of the small child. ‘Mummy’s magic crayon’ is a perfect image. Thank you for sharing.

      • Thank you for reading my piece. I’ve been one of those little girls that would be interested in my mum’s make up bag lol 😆

    • Hi Clair. This is an enchanting story. I shall now, forever, see the lipstick as a magic crayon. Thank you.

    • Fun story of childhood innocence and charm. Well done!

      • Thank you for your comments. Chuff to bits with this little story.

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Claire

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@burclaire21

active 5 days, 3 hours ago