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  • Hi Laura. This is a beautiful memoir. I could easily picture the experience and the places as I have travelled extensively in South Africa. I think your ladies were extremely well-behaved. I expected some complaints. Your title works well in tweaking interest. I particularly liked this line , ‘Maryanne twittered away on her mobile’. A few years…[Read more]

  • Hi Steve. You built up the tension well in your story. When there is complacency in a relationship, there is always a danger that when one partner is exposed to something different, it could awaken the desire to seek excitement and change. There’s no telling where this will end and it’s imposiible to go back to the way ‘we were’. I particularly…[Read more]

  • Hi Seth. This is a beautifully written story of pain and rejection, and your descriptions reminded me of Bessie Head’s writing. It’s difficult for modern women to survive when there is excessive cultural interference and ignorance. Without the support of your partner, it’s easy to lose your identity and sense of self-worth. Your story begs some…[Read more]

  • Hi PFG Powell. This is a sad story which captures the trauma children go through when there is strife in the home. There is something very frightening about zealots, probably because they are so convinced that their stance is the only right one. It’s a pity that they are unable to make room for different beliefs. I felt for your MC and her dad. It…[Read more]

  • Thank you Michael for the read and the feedback. Appreciate it.

  • I looked at my reflection in the long mirror at the entrance of the ladies’ washroom at the airport. Shades hooked over the neckline of my yellow and green sun-dress, yellow and white plastic bangles, w […]

    • A traumatic journey at the time but what a tale to tell the kids one day!

      Looking forward to the delayed single honeymoon seems to be keeping her going.

      Thanks for sharing.

    • Thank you Michael for the read and the feedback. Appreciate it.

  • Hi Paul. Thank you for reading my story and taking the time to point out areas of improvement. I really appreciate the feedback. I agree with your suggestions and I am definitely going to implement your suggestions. I look forward to growing in my writing with this kind of support.

  • Hi Paul. This is a grim subject and I could understand Rosella’s desire to blend in and try to avoid being noticed. You managed to capture the sombre mood and a sense of impending doom quite well. This is a good draft and would like to follow Rosella’s journey. Well done.

  • Hi James. This is a great horror story with an unforgettable twist. Your twin MCs were mean as hell but you subverted the notion of fairies being kind, cute and happy to flutter around sprinkling fairy-dust and magical joy. Never knew fairies to be so vengeful. Your story reminded me of another story of yours that I read a while ago, “Dirty Boy”.…[Read more]

  • Hi Laura. This is an interesting experiment and I would have loved to read this to the end as the story has the potential to deliver some very interesting outcomes. Personally, I would never accept a delivery like this. There are too many weirdos out there and there is something very scary about a stranger knowing where you stay and crossing that…[Read more]

  • Hi Sally. This is a touching piece and I like the idea of opening the door of love with a chain. There’s hope that the pain of the past will be dimmed with the arrival of new beginnings. It takes courage to take that first step but they say, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained’. Thanks for an interesting read.

  • Hi Seyi. I’m not much of a fan of the fantasy genre but I could easily become one. I have not read your previous story but I will now to fill some gaps in my understanding of the history and setting. You make use of vivid imagery – ‘displayed like a butterflied shrimp’ and the sexual tension is palpable in ‘she lay on top of my mind ‘ and ‘she…[Read more]

  • Hi Beth. This is a fun-story and you have sprinked your narration with a delightful sense of humour. There are so many expressions I enjoyed, like the truth in ‘People can’t be trusted with confessions of witchcraft’ , the ‘witch chat room’ and the ‘neighbour bestie’ she should see as the hunk sent for her by the witch queen. Great i…[Read more]

  • Hi Anjum. I think we all have questions on life and our journeys are in some way, a quest to find some answers. I liked your story for it captured not just the questions that plague us, but it also reminded us that we live with fear and, sometimes, this fear keeps us rooted in inaction. The solution is exactly the advice the MC receives at the…[Read more]

  • Dear Seyi. Thank you for reading my story and thank you for the valuable feedback. I wanted to re-create the Mayfair-Braamfontein setting as this was my world for almost three decades. Now that I have moved up north in Jo’burg, I’m nostalgic about my old world. As for the slips in editing, I apologise sincerely. I wrote the story in 3 hours on…[Read more]

  • Hi Beth. Thank you for the read and the interesting comments. So pleased you enjoyed the story. Yes, to die happy, sounds great for the one who is leaving this world. Maybe not so great for the ones left behind.

  • Dear Anjum. Thank you for reading my story. I’m glad you liked it.

  • I’m in the cafeteria of the South-Western Egoli Campus in Braamfontein, following up on a lead that the head chef is linked to the new supplier of Indian cuisine. At first, I thought that this was yet another c […]

    • Deep suspense.Gripping story well written.

    • I like that this is written in the style of typical plot driven tell it like it is detective novels. It’s a fun way to hide the parody bit. I do think it’s fun to have the victims get high before they die. Thanks for sharing 🙂

    • Hello Bhavna and how goes it? This piece took me to Jozi in a flash 😀I also have my own samosa ‘supplier’ so I can relate to the hunt for purveyor(s) of the delicacy. I liked your introductory paragraphs for the information you managed to pack in there, but some of the sentences ran overlong. ‘Piercing the veil’ and having Agent Premila address the readers directly is a slick device, I wonder if you will be keeping this going? There are a few missing words as well as punctuation marks but nothing that another round of self-editing won’t catch. Nice storyline, I look forward to more. Regards, Seyi

    • Dear Anjum. Thank you for reading my story. I’m glad you liked it.

    • Hi Beth. Thank you for the read and the interesting comments. So pleased you enjoyed the story. Yes, to die happy, sounds great for the one who is leaving this world. Maybe not so great for the ones left behind.

    • Dear Seyi. Thank you for reading my story and thank you for the valuable feedback. I wanted to re-create the Mayfair-Braamfontein setting as this was my world for almost three decades. Now that I have moved up north in Jo’burg, I’m nostalgic about my old world. As for the slips in editing, I apologise sincerely. I wrote the story in 3 hours on deadline day. I was bound to make some sloppy errors. I hope to work better at time management in the future.
      PS. I hope you have settled well in your new world.

    • Hi Bhavna,

      The flow of your story is great, reminding me of Mickey Spillane stories.
      There are a few places where it is a bit wordy. These things can be tightened up.

      Some food for thought.
      Every time you come across “that this” consider dropping “that” and read the sentence aloud. You might find you don’t need “that”.
      I’m not sure you need “By the way, I forgot to introduce myself.” Start the paragraph with the next sentence or have another character interrupt the MC’s thoughts by calling out the MC’s name.
      You can probably drop “then” from “…if this is the case, then it’s my job…”
      You start multiple sentences with the same pronoun. Try mixing it up a little.

      This is a great story that can be tightened.

      Keep writing.

      Thank you for sharing.

      Cheers,
      Paul
      Keep writing.

      Cheers,
      Paul

    • Hi Paul. Thank you for reading my story and taking the time to point out areas of improvement. I really appreciate the feedback. I agree with your suggestions and I am definitely going to implement your suggestions. I look forward to growing in my writing with this kind of support.

  • Hi Sarah. This is a tragic tale told with a very lyrical quality. You have captured the mood of impending doom well and I liked your imagery in the contrast of red poppies and sunflower meadows. The journey to the other world is unknown, yet, you have described it as both inevitable and necessary for those who are leaving. But the ones who are…[Read more]

  • Hi Jodie. This is a sad story with a lovely happy ending. I was able to picture your setting and characters quite easily as your descriptions were quite vivid. Your MC was tiny but admirably feisty and brave and your hero was both empathetic and dashingly attractive because of his fearless dishum-dishum rescue of the heroine. There were a few…[Read more]

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Bhavna K.

Profile picture of Bhavna K.

@bhavna-k-mehta

Active 1 month, 1 week ago
Short Story : 0
Poetry : 0
52 Scenes 2022 : 0