• Good suggestions. Thank you.

  • Designed for Better Things by Beverley Hart

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    Kelly froze. Slowly she turned her head towards the two-way mirror. A thickset woman with brown curly hair, wearing an old-fashioned tweed skirt and jacket entered […]

    • Beverly, this read quickly and easily. Well done! I suggest trying to revisit some adverbs: “walked agitatedly ” could be changed to “paced”, “walked briskly” could be changed to “hurried”
      A funny/uncomfortable predicament we have here! And we see her need for her friend Sally.
      Another good hook at the end.

  • The sense of mystery in this scene caught my attention. I also liked your attention to small details, such as tucking her thumbs behind her backpack straps, which gives your character authenticity and originality, and the description of the maze of cubicles, suggesting a journey of discovery. Good writing.

  • I found your opening paragraph a bit jarring. The line “… and a face that looked like it had been through a windshield because it had” seems too flippant. The rest of the scene, however, is very well crafted. You capture Barry’s disorientation superbly, and the hint of threat in the encounters with Henry is effective. The scene held my attention.

  • This scene moves well and gives the reader a lot of information without seeming contrived. I enjoyed it. I noticed a few grammatical and spelling errors, although these did not detract from the story. For example:
    “I was unwilling to step out of Steel’s apartment, well our apartment”. Meaning might be clearer if punctuated like this: “Stee…[Read more]

  • I have just dipped into your story for the first time. It caught my attention and made me want to know more about Lucy, although I agree with the above comment about it being three scenes in one. I liked some of your small details such as the description of the surroundings as they approach the asylum and the conversation about movies. As someone…[Read more]

  • Designed for Better Things by Beverley Hart

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    The next few days passed in a blur of activity. Kelly worked several hours of overtime on her concept design and on the more detailed drawings required to begin work […]

    • I like the last line in your scene. Just as Kelly is about to sneak out but first has to get her purse from the kitchen, “the front door opened again, quietly this time.” I’m wondering if Mrs. Rosenberg got home early, or who else is it? You leave the reader at a tense moment, and I wanted to turn to the next page, but I have to wait. What’s going to happen next? Good ending!
      I like your use of dialogue to move the scene along, also to help show. I also liked your use of the senses with the food tasting and the smells.
      I can’t remember who Jean Claude is, I think he’s Mrs. Rosenberg’s husband and so is cheating on her, but I’m not sure. I’m wondering if that’s why Kelly is upset as she doesn’t want to know this about her client’s husband.

    • This is a great scene, Beverly. I’ve read a scene or two of yours in the past. If I remember correctly, wasn’t Kelly set on never going back to South Africa and upset her friend was getting married there? I wonder what I’ve missed, because it sounds like she is planning to attend the wedding.

      I suggest being more specific with the spices/flavors, since they are mentioned a few times–in my mind it’s a type of Indian curry. And it makes me crave some! Also (I’m a bit embarrassed to say), I suggest being more detailed with the “noises of passion”: Moaning? Rhythmic banging? Playful shouts of banter? Clothes being thrown?

      Jean Claude! I’m appalled at your behavior! 🙂 I love what you did with his character in this scene, taking advantage of the contracted house. He’s Kelly’s co-worker, correct?

      Great hook at the very end. You are great at creating conflict!

    • Martin replied 1 week ago

      Hi Beverley

      Oh, this scene works well. Capturing the end of era and the sentimentality of that time. I like the wonderful interaction between the two friends and their intimacy. But you also keep the storyline flowing too with the intrigue at the end. That Jean Claude eh? What a naughty man.

      Teeny thing. It’s worth checking, but I think Etienne only has one ‘t’.

      Martin

  • It was interesting to view this scene through Barry’s eyes. Even though Anna is manipulative, he allows himself to be manipulated. There is a dynamic between the characters in this scene that I find intriguing, especially in what is NOT said.

  • This is a very good scene. You describe the surroundings so well, giving your reader a sense of being there, but you also manage to evoke the characters’ emotions through your descriptions. Well done.

  • Enigmatic by Bev Hart

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    You never give the full story
    You’re evasive and tell the half-truth
    When I try to verify statements
    I find they are lacking in proof

    You smile as if you’re a mystery
    That I cannot com […]

    • Hi Bev – this is along the same lines as my submission this month so it completely resonated with me…

    • This is a hardline ultimatum-I can feel the anger just underneath the surface -enough is enough!

      Really great choice of words, lends itself perfectly to this situation.

      Well done!

    • Hi Bev, well done, this one packs a punch. I hope she did walk out the door, trust is so important. Well done and thanks for sharing.

    • Hello Bev,
      Well done with this – the rhymes are impressive . I enjoyed reading this and hoping that the narrator ‘got away’.

  • I have just dipped into the story and found the conflict compelling. I did think, though that there was an overuse of capital letters, where they are not really necessary, and that the use of bold print is superfluous. You can show the emotions through what is said and how it is said. You obviously have a gift for description as evidenced by your…[Read more]

  • I really enjoyed this! It gripped me. I love the way you use direct speech so skillfully to move the story along. The scary things that happen are creative and innovative.

  • Designed for Better Things by Beverley Hart

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    For the rest of her working day, Kelly lost herself in her concept design for Mrs Rosenberg’s kitchen. She only became aware of how much time had passed when the o […]

    • Hi Beverley I am dipping in here for the first time, but no matter, this is a real slice of this time last year when no one knew what was coming and how lockdown would impact every single person around the world. Wherever you are, I hope you are well…this is a good scene, practical details of getting on with life until presumably your characters can’t any longer.

    • Hi, Bev!
      I enjoyed this scene as Kelly is getting prepared to travel to her home country. And we got to meet a new character that might have an impact in the future. I like that this story is set close to our present, with the Covid-19 pandemic starting to happen, it makes me closer to the story. Great work. I’m looking forward to know what will happen next.

    • Bev, I enjoyed reading your scene. You did a good job of incorporating the present pandemic situation into it and just how much it is effecting everyone worldwide. Your dialogue moved the scene along at just the right pace. Good job!

  • Designed for Better Things by Beverley Hart

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    As she had promised Sally she would, Kelly headed straight for the Human Resources office when she arrived at work on Tuesday. Rick raised his eyebrows when he saw […]

    • HI Beverly, I am visting your story. obviously I am missing out on the information you have already given in the previous scenes – for example I assume you have explained why Kelly is called Tamara. I like how the scene is rolling off the page, I can read this really easily. The dialogue also flows nicely. Very well done! The tiniest criticism: I don’t know why Jean Claude lets Kelly use her contractor so easily, especially as Rick warns her that Jean Claude likes to use his own contacts. I think you might want to squeeze in an extra sentence her. Maybe that Jean Claude needs him for his own project? Happy writing!

    • Oh, that Jean Claude is a slimy guy. I suspect he isn’t the faithful guy Kelly thinks he is. You’re doing a great job revealing a lot about his character through the things he says and does. Nice job!

    • Hi, Bev!
      That Jean Claude, kind of lost interest when he couldn’t get what he wanted, didn’t he? But at least he won’t be on Kelly’s way to do her work properly. Excellent pace, dialogs, and description. I hope Kelly is able to leave on time. Looking forward to the next scene.

  • An effective way to combine images in one theme. You capture so well the sadness of our reaction to the beggars we pass on the street and the inevitable guilt we feel even as we look the other way.

  • Bev Hart commented on the post, A Day by Tom Mullane 4 weeks ago

    Morning and evening, an exhausting day, but still nothing on the paper! However, your poet’s soul responds to the natural beauty of sunrise and sunset, so that the creative endeavour flows without effort.

  • The theme of the purity of water and its ability to purify the earth is strong in this poem. Your images are effective. Well done.

  • I like this. You express, in a few simple words, the depth of feeling we are all experiencing. One of the positives of the pandemic is that no matter where we live, we have a common experience.

  • Wow, this is a skillful scene! The pleasant, warm memories at the beginning give the shock of Gianni’s attitude all the more impact. My sympathy was with Zelda in her grief and exhaustion, and I felt for her having to cope with something extra and unexpected. I love the back story that you give regarding family and language. It gives your…[Read more]

  • This is such a warm and authentic scene. I loved the description of the comfort food in the first paragraph. It made my mouth water. I also like the way you weave the back story in so naturally. There is depth and history to your characters, which draws the reader in. I felt a part of it all, as well as curiosity about what is going on beneath the surface.

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Bev Hart

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@bev-hart

Active 11 hours, 36 minutes ago
Short Story balance: 2
Poetry balance: 3
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52 Scenes balance: 13