fbpx
  • You just caught up on a bunch of scenes at once. Are you too bogged down by her grief, or is it just enough to remind you she’s in pain while she’s traipsing the world looking for stuff? Because that’s a thing that annoys me in so many of these reluctant heroes who suffer the one event that catapults them into the action and then you never see…[Read more]

  • I think I’m as confused about Mark as you are. Is the tension something that works, for the plot and his character, or are you sensing my own ambivalence?

  • I really like the way you insert futuristic things in your novel whereas I think I’ve been writing this dystopian future in a very relatable way. I need to start adding (and go back and revise) some things to make them stand out. My first story (the one this novel is based on) did a better job of that, for example, coffee was rare because, thanks…[Read more]

  • Sailing was getting on Anna’s nerves. She missed trains. At least people were able to relax in trains while they got transported safely. She had never been a fan of taking the boat out, and thank god in heaven, s […]

    • OMG. First off, the setting in the library is a character unto itself. Good use of detail (the sweaty palm print on the counter).

      And the punch to the gut at the end.

      You might be one scene behind, but you’re totally on target. I’m still feeling sad and stunned and I never even knew James. It’s just such an emotional conundrum you’ve painted here, beq.

      I’m going off to sob a bit now.

  • What are your plans for it? Are you going to rewrite into a linear narrative? I enjoy it just as it is, fragmented. If I were to have an opinion on anything, now that I read several scenes in a row, I have no problem going back and forth in time but I do think that at some point we’ll need some happiness in here just to breathe. I forget if all 20…[Read more]

  • Oh, my word. I feel like you take me on journeys that end miles apart but I never even notice the detour. It weaves very neatly, the shared grief over the pets and the trigger to think about the dog that reminds her of learning about the husband… it’s like a ribbon, like birds in flight. Such a pleasure to read your scenes, Megan, always.

  • Oh my god, Megan. This is… lovely and sad and appalling and everything. I read it twice, I couldn’t let it go. I know I should be giving you writing critique, but at this moment I just want to hug you. Brilliant scene. BTw I’m sorry, I thought I was all caught up and it turns out I am three scenes behind. I have been so out of it.

  • Hi, Nancy. I agree with Per on the POV issues and with John about giving us the backstory in smaller doses sprinkled in the larger narrative when you work on the 2nd draft. One big chunk of backstory feels a bit out of place. Still, an interesting character development piece.

  • Hi, Nancy,
    I looooove how you add futuristic things like sprinkles. I love the temperature today is 115 F, I love there are solar people and water people, I love they give you relaxants on a plane. And I’m deeply suspicious of Mr. Ortega’s rapid rise to power – very suspicious.
    Sorry I was late reading your scene, I’ve fallen behind reading and…[Read more]

  • I don’t know if you’re feeling better or if I’m having a special treat catching up and reading so many scenes in a row, but this is really flowing now. Loved the detail of finishing the novena for the success of the diner, that was lovely. Trying the different hot dogs and shakes must have been fun. And the kids playing with soap, I do remember…[Read more]

  • I love that she’s so ahead of her time and doing things for herself. I know she has other qualities which aren’t this nice, but, to be able to stand up to your entire family in that day and age, and roll up your sleeves and get up on that roof to build yourself your own dream… respect.

  • Ah, back to where I left off. I love the girls’ enthusiasm for everything even though there’s nothing sadder for me than watching small children feed themselves. It just breaks my heart.

  • Good scene, Sherry, palpable anxiety all around. I just have a question I might have missed earlier in the year. What do you mean when you write “he finds you a place to stay with the girls”? Several scenes, now, the mother says the father is looking for a place for them to live, but, even though this is an excuse, I’m assuming there really is no…[Read more]

  • Hi, Sherry. Not boring at all. Heartbreaking, for sure, but not boring. You do a good job of showing the children processing/handling these news the only way they know how–or the only way they can under these oppressive circumstances.

  • Sorry for the late reply, I’ve had a hard time in life, so 52 scenes fell off the wayside, but… I thought I left off in the forest, a tiny cabin they’d be sharing together and the mother is flirting with some dude who’ll renovate the thing and add the restaurant side to the cabin. How did we get back here? That’s what I get for not reading for…[Read more]

  • Hi, Suchita. This is a lovely scene, it’s a nice pause, for reflection, for catching up, for resting, after the action from last scene. I have an issue with “she brushed her skin off” – I would suggest “she brushed a bug off her skin”, instead.
    I like how she described her parents. Even before this, I was wondering if she was being a bit harsh on…[Read more]

  • Hi, Suchita. I really enjoyed this scene. Love the way you built up tension in this scene, how she handles the train ride, the swapping of clothes, and loses them at the train station. I’m glad she threw away the phone, though I probably would have thrown away everything, I’d be that paranoid (drugged sweets! bugged army knife!).
    You had a typo…[Read more]

  • Hi Suchita, You did a good job of showing her isolation (even if it’s self-protection) and loneliness. What do you mean “Not like with Danny?” Are you implying Ben didn’t feel guilty about what happened to him?
    I laughed at writing camp. Haven’t we all gone or dreamed about a writing retreat? Nice out!

  • “You have to stop materializing like that,” Anna said, using her sleeve to sop up the Scotch she spilled when he startled her. “Can’t you learn to come in through a door?”

    “It’s more efficient to turn on the h […]

    • And the Plot Train continues to chug along on its track. Taking me with it.

      She covered her face with her hand and hiccuped into her private pocket of darkness.”
      Awesome fecking sentence, bec!

      No suggestions here, just enjoyed the ride.

      • You just caught up on a bunch of scenes at once. Are you too bogged down by her grief, or is it just enough to remind you she’s in pain while she’s traipsing the world looking for stuff? Because that’s a thing that annoys me in so many of these reluctant heroes who suffer the one event that catapults them into the action and then you never see them express any emotion other than rage or vengeance. For me, the short story was all about grief, and I didn’t want to lose sight of that. How grief just creeps up on you when you least expect it even though you’re trying to function. But I don’t want to put off the reader with too much sappy stuff either.

        • No. I now care about Anna (almost as much as I care about her dog) so I felt tremendous grief and confusion (the right kind of confusion for that moment) when she touched his silicon face.

          I think you’ve hit all the marks here.

    • Dammit, I called it wrong. but it makes sense for Alan to be a hologram. Easier to get about than being tied to a physical body.

      I’m quite stressed about Mark now. Is he a good guy or a bad guy? That’s all I want to know!

      • I think I’m as confused about Mark as you are. Is the tension something that works, for the plot and his character, or are you sensing my own ambivalence?

    • Excellent continuation of conversation with the hologram. I love that she takes him to task for appearing so suddenly. Nice touch. Dog still comforting but I do wonder about him. This Mark guy is really complicating the story… nice job. She has a lot of work to do still. Can’t wait.

      • I really like the way you insert futuristic things in your novel whereas I think I’ve been writing this dystopian future in a very relatable way. I need to start adding (and go back and revise) some things to make them stand out. My first story (the one this novel is based on) did a better job of that, for example, coffee was rare because, thanks to flooding, the higher altitudes required to plant coffee climbed even higher and became scarcer. So, when AI offered her coffee, it was a huge deal. Here, she’s getting coffee and tea as regularly as we do. Tea plantations would have been flooded, too. These should be rare delicacies, like the Macallan. And part of what needs a rewrite is the interaction with AI and holograms. Yes, they’re friendly (the enemies are humans) but they need to be… I don’t know, uncomfortable. Disconcerting. For us.

  • And yes, again! They would have met in the past. I’m still deciding if it’s just that Anna heard him speak somewhere and decided to take the side of AI, or if they have had a more significant interaction throughout the Rebellion/Resistance.
    She’s obviously much too young to have met him in person, though. Even though she’s middle-aged in this…[Read more]

  • Load More

bequibar

Profile picture of bequibar

@bequibar

Active 6 hours, 6 minutes ago
Short Story : 0
Poetry : 0
52 Scenes 2022 : 19
52 Scenes : 2
Flash Fiction 2022s : 0
52 Scenes Rewrites : 0
Show, don't Tell June 2022's : 0