What a twist! I enjoyed how Jack had to bear with the consequences of his actions and that he seemed to show a little growth while doing so. This was an amusing and heartwarming story with a fun surprise at the end. Thanks for sharing it!

Niiiice 🙂 It seems the last line makes a lot of difference 🙂
But, even before the last line the story was really nice. It was nicely constructed and read pretty well. Good job.
I’m still figuring out how it connects to the prompt, but it’s no problem, the important thing is you’ve written a story and it’s pretty good 🙂

P.S. Something I noticed – replying to comments make it seem like you’ve got one more comment. So, of you’d like to get more comments on your work, wait with replying 😉

Hi Andrew,
What a great story. It held my attention from the start. I thought Thomas was quite a character and loved his interaction with Chips. It would be really good to see what happened next. Thank you for an enjoyable read.

This is so much fun, and I really like the close narration style as it provides some really good insight into Thomas, especially ‘Becky Morris was his idea of heaven,’ it’s phrased so naturally and works really well. I hope we get to see a little more as I feel like it was just getting started at the end.  

Hi Andrew,
Your characters are unique and fun! You’ve done a great job of showing us the predicament here, via dialogue. I love how the deceptions are slowly revealed.
I like how Neil repeatedly uses the word drama, and the awkward remark at the beginning is an ironic foreshadowing of the two pregnancies we learn about later.
There’s a small continuity issue: Nikki leaves the room toward the beginning, then she’s there with them again. A tiny bit of setting details would help overall. Are they in Liz and Tom’s house, kitchen, bar, driveway, patio? Well done! I enjoyed reading this.

Andrew,
You’ve got a lot going on this scene but what a lot of fun teasing it all out. You have defined some interesting characters, all of them unique. You tell us quite a bit about them through the use of dialogue. I enjoyed the party and loved the ending where Neil was made the happiest of men. Quite a fun read. Well done.

A story written almost entirely in dialogue is not always easy to pull off. But this one works! I absolutely get the mood of the characters, even though there are too many of them within this somewhat small word count. You might want to get rid of the clichés and punch lines: “…stepped out of a fashion magazine”, “trophy wife”, “elephants in the room”. There’s also this too-obvious fact that weakens the ending for me: “Neil picked up his soon to be ex-wife”. Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading the story. Bravo!

Wow I loved this. Not a boring moment from start to finish. Very relatable characters that have small yet potentially life-changing temptations. No notes to offer unfortunately. I think it’s great.

Talk about a honey trap!

The beginning could be tightened up to be more succinct as it read a little confusingly. I had to reread a few times to understand that this couple’s lunch date, somewhere along the line, had gone sideways, I think this phrase is the culprit as it reads as something completely different to what is intended? ‘accusing him of dragging his feet’?? did you mean he was getting cold feet ? or ??…

I would re-punctuate/reword: ‘and stared, at first, he was confused, then he became angry.’

to : ‘pulled up short. Staring, he felt confused. Then (insert some ‘showing’ as opposed to ‘telling’ us he got angry.

Otherwise, some great descriptions and the twisty ending is gold.