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Andrew Sunshine Frangs commented on the post, Danny's Jewel By Andrew Frangs 2 weeks, 2 days ago
Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it
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Andrew Sunshine Frangs commented on the post, Danny's Jewel By Andrew Frangs 2 weeks, 2 days ago
Thank you kindly
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Andrew Sunshine Frangs commented on the post, The Red Santa Suit By Andrew Frangs 3 weeks, 4 days ago
Thank you for your comments I’m glad you enjoyed it
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Andrew Sunshine Frangs wrote a new post, The Red Santa Suit By Andrew Frangs 3 weeks, 6 days ago
“Did you see that forward pass?” Jack looked at his fellow supporters for conformation but got none. Apparently, he was the only one who had observed the major discretion. “Come on Mr ref, you’re missing a good g […]
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Andrew Sunshine Frangs commented on the post, The strange Journey by Andrew Frangs 1 month, 2 weeks ago
Hi Melissa, thanks for taking the time to read and your comments. There was more but I was restricted by the word count,
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Andrew Sunshine Frangs commented on the post, The strange Journey by Andrew Frangs 1 month, 3 weeks ago
Thank you Maria, I appreciate you reading my story and for your comments. There is more, hopefully I can continue next time
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Andrew Sunshine Frangs commented on the post, Door Number Two by Melissa P 1 month, 3 weeks ago
And And And …….. Then what? You cant leave me hanging like that. I really enjoyed your story . You kept us always waiting to see how things would play out see and many questions. Well done
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Andrew Sunshine Frangs wrote a new post, The strange Journey by Andrew Frangs 1 month, 3 weeks ago
It was the end of the first week of the school holidays and already Thomas was bored. To make it worse his top lip felt like a giant sausage from when he was pushed into the toilet at the movies today. He wondered […]
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Hi Andrew,
What a great story. It held my attention from the start. I thought Thomas was quite a character and loved his interaction with Chips. It would be really good to see what happened next. Thank you for an enjoyable read.-
Thank you Maria, I appreciate you reading my story and for your comments. There is more, hopefully I can continue next time
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This is so much fun, and I really like the close narration style as it provides some really good insight into Thomas, especially ‘Becky Morris was his idea of heaven,’ it’s phrased so naturally and works really well. I hope we get to see a little more as I feel like it was just getting started at the end.
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Hi Melissa, thanks for taking the time to read and your comments. There was more but I was restricted by the word count,
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Andrew Sunshine Frangs commented on the post, Awkward by Andrew Frangs 2 months, 1 week ago
Thanks for that, Maybe I should have trimmed the characters down a bit.
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Andrew Sunshine Frangs commented on the post, Awkward by Andrew Frangs 2 months, 3 weeks ago
Hi Becky,
Thank you for your comments. I agree sometimes things are a bit muddled. I suspect a lack of discipline on my part. I always run out of words then try go back and thin it out -
Andrew Sunshine Frangs commented on the post, Awkward by Andrew Frangs 2 months, 3 weeks ago
Thank you for your comments. I had a lot of fun with it.
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Andrew Sunshine Frangs commented on the post, Skin-Deep by Jens Grabarske 2 months, 3 weeks ago
Great story and something I’ve always wanted to do but have always chickened out at the end. Well written I really enjoyed it
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Andrew Sunshine Frangs commented on the post, We All Scream by Shelley North 2 months, 3 weeks ago
I am interested to know if you have tried this Shelly. Was a great story and what I liked, it was about something covid related but different. Something I think many people went through but never expressed, and probably many didn’t understand. Well written thank you
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Andrew Sunshine Frangs commented on the post, Revenge Wine by Ese Monioro 2 months, 3 weeks ago
Great story, I like the way you had me guessing all the time was it Zizi or was it Yaya
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Andrew Sunshine Frangs commented on the post, Permanent by Becky Crookham 2 months, 3 weeks ago
Hi Becky, Interesting story, well written. I have to admit I thought it was going to be Sylvia who had a shopping problem and she was just using Jane as an excuse.
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Andrew Sunshine Frangs wrote a new post, Awkward by Andrew Frangs 2 months, 3 weeks ago
George and Nikki were the second to arrive. Syd was there with his wife Trish, who was already well into the free booze.
“Syd,” George said tipping his head before turning to Trish. “Do you think you should be dr […]
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Hi Andrew,
Your characters are unique and fun! You’ve done a great job of showing us the predicament here, via dialogue. I love how the deceptions are slowly revealed.
I like how Neil repeatedly uses the word drama, and the awkward remark at the beginning is an ironic foreshadowing of the two pregnancies we learn about later.
There’s a small continuity issue: Nikki leaves the room toward the beginning, then she’s there with them again. A tiny bit of setting details would help overall. Are they in Liz and Tom’s house, kitchen, bar, driveway, patio? Well done! I enjoyed reading this.-
Hi Becky,
Thank you for your comments. I agree sometimes things are a bit muddled. I suspect a lack of discipline on my part. I always run out of words then try go back and thin it out
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Andrew,
You’ve got a lot going on this scene but what a lot of fun teasing it all out. You have defined some interesting characters, all of them unique. You tell us quite a bit about them through the use of dialogue. I enjoyed the party and loved the ending where Neil was made the happiest of men. Quite a fun read. Well done.-
Thank you for your comments. I had a lot of fun with it.
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A story written almost entirely in dialogue is not always easy to pull off. But this one works! I absolutely get the mood of the characters, even though there are too many of them within this somewhat small word count. You might want to get rid of the clichés and punch lines: “…stepped out of a fashion magazine”, “trophy wife”, “elephants in the room”. There’s also this too-obvious fact that weakens the ending for me: “Neil picked up his soon to be ex-wife”. Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading the story. Bravo!
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Thanks for that, Maybe I should have trimmed the characters down a bit.
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Andrew Sunshine Frangs commented on the post, When he snores by Nonie 3 months, 3 weeks ago
I think my wife sometimes fights the same urge. Well written I enjoyed it
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Andrew Sunshine Frangs commented on the post, Tempted by Andrew Frangs 3 months, 3 weeks ago
Thank you
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Andrew Sunshine Frangs commented on the post, Tempted by Andrew Frangs 3 months, 3 weeks ago
Hi Kim, Thanks for that. I agree with what you said, probably left it a bit late and the word count. I really like your suggestion for the end
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Andrew Sunshine Frangs wrote a new post, Tempted by Andrew Frangs 3 months, 3 weeks ago
The bar was crowded and smelt like stale tobacco, which annoyed James. He took a glug of his second beer and tried to understand what happened this evening.
Sally had just come at him when he got home, accusing […]
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Wow I loved this. Not a boring moment from start to finish. Very relatable characters that have small yet potentially life-changing temptations. No notes to offer unfortunately. I think it’s great.
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Thank you
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Talk about a honey trap!
The beginning could be tightened up to be more succinct as it read a little confusingly. I had to reread a few times to understand that this couple’s lunch date, somewhere along the line, had gone sideways, I think this phrase is the culprit as it reads as something completely different to what is intended? ‘accusing him of dragging his feet’?? did you mean he was getting cold feet ? or ??…
I would re-punctuate/reword: ‘and stared, at first, he was confused, then he became angry.’
to : ‘pulled up short. Staring, he felt confused. Then (insert some ‘showing’ as opposed to ‘telling’ us he got angry.
Otherwise, some great descriptions and the twisty ending is gold.
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Hi Kim, Thanks for that. I agree with what you said, probably left it a bit late and the word count. I really like your suggestion for the end
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What a twist! I enjoyed how Jack had to bear with the consequences of his actions and that he seemed to show a little growth while doing so. This was an amusing and heartwarming story with a fun surprise at the end. Thanks for sharing it!
Thank you for your comments I’m glad you enjoyed it
Niiiice 🙂 It seems the last line makes a lot of difference 🙂
But, even before the last line the story was really nice. It was nicely constructed and read pretty well. Good job.
I’m still figuring out how it connects to the prompt, but it’s no problem, the important thing is you’ve written a story and it’s pretty good 🙂
P.S. Something I noticed – replying to comments make it seem like you’ve got one more comment. So, of you’d like to get more comments on your work, wait with replying 😉