• Hi Sudha, great job with both parts of this scene. In the first part, you really showed us how low Jen is. When people are that down, it is true that they tend to push away the very people they need the most – you captured that so well. I really felt for Bern too, Jen’s lack of response must have really stung. Jen’s repentance and wanting to get…[Read more]

  • Hi Sudha, sorry I’m so late. I really enjoyed the old guy at bingo, it made me smile. Poor Jen, she’s in a really tough place right now. I’m keeping my fingers we’re going to see her getting herself together and bouncing back soon.

  • Hi Nina, I love the continuing presence of Emyline and her rocking chair, not yet at rest, that was eerily powerful. There’s so much more other great stuff in this scene too, the beautiful moments between Clarissa and Amy were very special, so full of love, and Magda being subdued spoke volumes. Clarissa has so much to work out, about Alden, about…[Read more]

  • Hi Sudha, thank you so much for your feedback. I was trying to add a light/comical element to this tense scene by having them bickering in such inappropriate circumstances and Saleem getting frustrated by not being taken seriously but I realise I made a bit of dog’s dinner out of it. To be honest, the whole ending will need a rewrite as I’m not…[Read more]

  • Hi Nina, Momo is currently limbering in the wings for his stage re-entry but in the meantime, he asked me to thank you for your unwavering faith in him ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Hi Marilyn, thank you ever so much for being so encouraging and for your lovely comments. I am finding the ending really tough to write so it’s much appreciated. I am going to have to look at the whole part on Saleem’s boat again and I have a feeling it will need quite a bit of rewriting so thank you for your helpful pointers ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Hi Becky, thank you for continuing to be so encouraging, I really appreciate it! And thank you too, for pointing out the typo (is it even a typo when it’s this bad?🤣) – I will change it in the main manuscript xx

  • Hi Susanne, thank you so much for being so kind. I am really struggling with this ending so I’m very grateful for your encouragement ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Hi Deryn, thank you so much for picking the arm crossing – it didn’t sound quite right to me either but I couldn’t think of anything else. Describing body movement and hand gestures is definitely not my forte but I love the arms flailing around and the jabbing – I will change it in the main manuscript ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Hi Marilyn, thank you so much for the feedback. And thank you also for catching the word jumble, I have corrected it in the main manuscript – it should have been ‘the tainted floor-to-ceiling double glass doors’. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Saleemโ€™s courteous mask dropped, revealing a face flushed with anger.

    โ€œWhat did you two fuckers do with my drugs?โ€

    Mattโ€™s eyes widened and Kate saw panic etch itself over his face.

    โ€œWhat do you mean?โ€ he […]

    • Yikes, Ben – couldn’t wait to get here – so is Momo going to be the baddie after all? Pierre and surprisingly Matt both seem pretty puzzled to me. Or maybe Colin and Jackie are part of an international drug smuggling ring… !!! Just one thing that jarred and that was when Kate crosses her arms
      “…Look at where we are now. Iโ€™ll never forgive you for that,โ€ Kate said, as she crossed her arms.
      It seems like a little petulant gesture, and not a desperate one given the circumstances. Maybe her arms flail around, or she throws an arm out to show where they are or she jabs a finger at Matt…otherwise an excellent stand off between them all…

      • Hi Deryn, thank you so much for picking the arm crossing – it didn’t sound quite right to me either but I couldn’t think of anything else. Describing body movement and hand gestures is definitely not my forte but I love the arms flailing around and the jabbing – I will change it in the main manuscript ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Hi Ben, this malarkey may have been difficult to write but you did so well! I have enjoyed this read thoroughly. I usually don’t like bad language but here it is so fitting to show Saleem’s nature. A tiny detail I really loved: Kate’s weak bladder. It’s a bit of comic relief in a high tension scene and so relatable to any woman! Only a female author could have thought of that. I like the way Kate speaks up for herself and the way Pierre seems to come to Kate’s rescue at the end.. I knew there was something knightly in him…I am so waiting to find out what happened to the drugs.

      • Hi Susanne, thank you so much for being so kind. I am really struggling with this ending so I’m very grateful for your encouragement ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Hi Ben!
      I think you are handling the ending well, pacing and consistency with the rest of your story. We’ve got both Pierre and Matt holding up their hands in surrender. I think neither one of them truly knows where the drugs went.
      Here’s a great transition: “His voice jolted Kate out of the argument and back into the cabin. She bit her lip.”
      I also like how I’m being pulled to remember the sharks in the water, and that you cleverly have shown them to us earlier in the story to give this further believe-ability.
      Quick fix: ‘praise’ should be pry, I think.
      Hadn’t thought of Momo, but maybe Deryn is right. Though I’m hoping whoever did it had good intentions!

      • Hi Becky, thank you for continuing to be so encouraging, I really appreciate it! And thank you too, for pointing out the typo (is it even a typo when it’s this bad?🤣) – I will change it in the main manuscript xx

    • Exciting scene.
      Danger.
      Somehow I would have thought the argument between the three of them would have been louder and not as though they were standing around having a discussion. This scene is loaded with tension and meaner, leaner snipes at one another would be fitting….but that’s just my thoughts and what do I know?
      You are doing an excellent job with the ending of this story and although I can’t wait till next week….I almost don’t want the ending to come soon.
      That is the mark of a great story, you know!

      • Hi Marilyn, thank you ever so much for being so encouraging and for your lovely comments. I am finding the ending really tough to write so it’s much appreciated. I am going to have to look at the whole part on Saleem’s boat again and I have a feeling it will need quite a bit of rewriting so thank you for your helpful pointers ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Well done. But, please, make Deryn be wrong 🙏🏼 Or if it has to be my friend Momo, make it for some twisted convoluted reason 😉. What a long way weโ€™ve come and what a wonderful trip it is.

    • Hi Ben,
      A very tricky scene. We’re learning some of the secrets that each character knew but we still don’t know everything. You’ve thrown a whole new mystery about what happened to the drugs. I’m a little confused by Saleem. Up to now, we’ve learned that he is scary and powerful. We’ve seen his henchman pull a gun on Matt, Pierre, and Kate and have them brought to his boat. The three of them are afraid but not really afraid if they feel comfortable enough to accuse one another about lying and air some jealousy as well. I found that dynamic a little confusing as I read this scene.

      We don’t know what’s happening on the other boat while they have been detained. I’m sure we’ll see that soon. When we see Hector hold Kate in a chokehold with a gun to her head, we see that the tension has escalated sharply. You’ve left us hanging–it’s an emergency to get to the bottom of the mystery and really fast. I’m looking forward to the next scene!!

      • Hi Sudha, thank you so much for your feedback. I was trying to add a light/comical element to this tense scene by having them bickering in such inappropriate circumstances and Saleem getting frustrated by not being taken seriously but I realise I made a bit of dog’s dinner out of it. To be honest, the whole ending will need a rewrite as I’m not happy with the way it’s going but there just isn’t time to do that with the scenes remaining. Thank you so much for the helpful feedback ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Hi Peggy, thank you for the really helpful comments and I apologise for the delay in getting back to you. I’m feeling much better, thank you but I’m now playing catch up with work and everything else. I’m hoping to get back on top of my reading this weekend and can’t wait! xx

  • Hi Natasha, thank you so much for this really helpful feedback and I am so sorry about the delay in responding – work is seriously getting in the way of the more important stuff.
    I’m hoping I’ll be able to catch up on all my reading this weekend and I can’t wait to get back to Andromeda! xxxx

  • Hi Sudha, thank you for this super helpful feedback. I’m finding this ending so hard to write, it’s going to need an awful lot of rewriting. I apologise also for the delay in getting back to you. I have fallen behind on my reading but I’m hoping I’ll be able to catch up this weekend. Take care ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Don’t worry, I think we all feel the same at this point. I’m finding the whole drugs situation so hard to unfold properly too.
    You can totally handle this, just get the scenes written, you’ve got this! ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Hi Deryn, thank you very much and really good point – I have made a note and will rewrite Kate’s whole attitude to the boat, and also make it more ostentatiously tasteless 🤣
    PS I knew you’d all be missing Momo and his dancing speedos… xx

  • Hi Susanne, I’m so glad Lilli has decided to both post the letter and chosen which name she’s going to take. You’ve described that feeling when you start the day on a positive so well, when the whole world takes that light, happy feel, I really enjoyed that entire part.
    I only have a couple of tiny suggestions. I got a little confused by the lid…[Read more]

  • Hi Susanne, oh you know, I just took a little walk around my yacht, making some notes as I went 🤣 Only kidding of course. Youtube is a wonderful thing, I watched loads of sales videos of superyachts, picking out the elements I liked best – so thank you for the ‘real’ comment, that made my day.
    Good point about Saleem’s physique, in fact, very…[Read more]

  • Hi Becky, this scene flows very well, both in the family dialogue and the scene at Frank and Dianne’s house. As a counter-balance, I didn’t feel the same way as Susanne about the visit, in fact, quite the opposite. I was glad that Maisie went to visit them rather than call them. This is a big conversation to have with someone, potentially implying…[Read more]

  • Hi Becky, thank you so much. I’d been isolating with covid for the last 2 weeks so I was wondering whether the plot continuation in this scene would read as foggy as my brain was when I wrote it. I’m so relieved it didn’t. Five to go, I can’t believe it, neither do I know how I am going to make the end work, but one scene at a time…still ๐Ÿ™‚

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Ben Hunt

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@benhunt

Active 1 hour, 38 minutes ago
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