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  • Hope you’ve recovered from your surgery!
    Some difficult issues they’re dealing with. It’s getting tense.
    I think this section is pivotal: When regular human functions fail, the medical community has some background on how to handle that. When technological malfunctions occur in the human body, it’s anyone’s guess on how to fix it. They all see…[Read more]

  • Meant to say – sorry I didn’t manage to read this last week!

  • Aha! This makes the big picture a lot clearer. I’ll have to read it again a few times to get the full implications. So sorry if my first reactions are ill-informed!

    It’s an interesting twist that the situation is being engineered to encourage the belief that Originals aren’t human! Challenges my mindset. The red pill was a great way to reveal…[Read more]

  • Just after Jake and Ariana have left, I hear Gavin going into his habpod. He tells me he’s been in a virtual conference all day. They’re trying to find a way to communicate with the delegates when they go to The […]

    • I’m not sure I can take much more of this!! No, seriously, what a great scene. The tension has been dialled up to 11, the threads are coming together, and life is at risk.
      You have such lovely turns of phrase, such as ‘the noise of no-one speaking is deafening’. Fantastic scene. Well done

    • Hi Barbara, Uh-oh! I had a sense of impending doom throughout this entire scene – well done building the tension! The perfect set up, with Sean so excited and having the ominous realization that Earth was outclassed, and then… Boom!

      I loved some of your descriptions here, such as Sean “zinged like a high voltage cable” and the “opalescent” light. And then James calls… I had a feeling he might be teaming up with Breanna before the end.

      Wow, I have no other feedback except I can’t wait to see what happens next! I’m worried about Sean now!

  • Thanks, Rebekah – that’s encouraging. They’ll be on their separate ways soon I think!

  • Thanks, Jacquie – I laughed at the Jakey connection – and thanks for the warning; I won’t try it on you! I’m glad you think things are moving on. I’m not sure how good Hemal’s intentions are but his motivation is certainly more complex than it seemed at first!

  • Thanks, Beth. That’s encouraging! I definitely do feel clearer about the story.

  • Hi Deb – that’s good to hear. Yes, it’s all getting more complex. I’ve developed the theme of competing projects because it’s necessary for the ending, but I’d like to seed it more clearly in the rewrite. Glad you’re still interested!

  • Thanks, Rebekah – Good point. I think I’ll have to wait till I get to the end to know!

  • Hi Deb – brilliant action – brought even more to life by the vivid descriptions. What a gripping sentence: Failure and desperation spiraled in her chest, tangled in her lungs. She struggled to breath.
    The gore was just right. I hope Corryn’s hand can be re-attached despite the cauterisation!

    Only one small point – in the paragraph starting “…[Read more]

  • Yes, it is indeed! I think it will be hard to go back and decide which darlings have to be murdered to keep the plot coherent. Of course, there’s no rule that says the re-write has to be restricted to 52 scenes!!

  • Well, isn’t that just the million-dollar question – who deserves to be called human! I suppose I was thinking of Corryn as having had her early memories fabricated – but maybe they were uploaded – in which case is she a ‘branch’ of John rather than a replica? This is for me the difference between an iteration and a twin. Both of them are…[Read more]

  • Wow! Roark inside Anders’ head as he shifts into his cougar form. Very clever. I assumed the Kelly/Fletcher switch was deliberate on your part to indicate all isn’t going to go as smoothly as we hope. This is powerful and tense – I can feel the pace building. Really well written as always. And good to see Roark maturing even further, including the despair.

  • Oh no – I can only imagine Magali’s anguish after all Treena’s warmth to be reminded that she still thinks she and Euan are an item! A great scene. As always there is such emotional warmth – and this is reflected in the physical surroundings. You created the atmosphere vividly. Also, Treena’s views on abortion give a balanced counter point to…[Read more]

  • Dear, patient team – I hope this doesn’t feel like a whole lot of explaining. Will be corrected in the rewrite by introducing concepts earlier. Now I know what’s going on, I’ve changed the role of Garth Tourville […]

    • Hi Barbara, this did not feel like a lot of explaining at all! I like the way you have pitted Hemal’s Theraformer against another project. It’s great to get a little more detail behind why the Theraformer is necessary – its not just greed for Earth’s resources, etc, its actually a survival strategy. I would say I had become comfortable with thinking of Hemal as sort of a greedy villain, and this paints things in a whole different light – perhaps he is still a greedy villain, but there is some necessity behind it, which clouds the line between good and bad, and makes for a more complex story. And possibly sets Breanna up to negotiate a solution for both worlds?

      As always I enjoy the banter between your little band of adventurers. I wanted to know what Breanna and Ariana made for breakfast 🙂 And there are bound to be issues with Jake and Sean taking the bowl for transport. Can’t wait to read more!

      • Hi Deb – that’s good to hear. Yes, it’s all getting more complex. I’ve developed the theme of competing projects because it’s necessary for the ending, but I’d like to seed it more clearly in the rewrite. Glad you’re still interested!

    • I agree that this did not sound info dumpy. I think the plot and the direction here reflect the clarity you’re feeling around the story at this point. I’m more than happy to hold space for plot and character changes as you discover the thread! Your details and smattering of personal reactions definitely help avoid the talking heads type of dialogue.

    • I agree too. Not at all info dumpy. I read very coherently, and another dimension to the plot. I’m especially enjoying how the relationship between the sisters is evolving. Much more nuanced than simply good twin v bad, and all the better for it. And I agree about the developments with Hemal. More interesting as a baddy with good intent (if that’s what he is)
      Love the little details – eg Breanna’s frustration that Ariana is oblivious to Jake’s dislike of the nickname.(A long time ago a friend called me Jakey as a combination of Jacqie + my initials JAK – only he could have got away with it)

      • Thanks, Jacquie – I laughed at the Jakey connection – and thanks for the warning; I won’t try it on you! I’m glad you think things are moving on. I’m not sure how good Hemal’s intentions are but his motivation is certainly more complex than it seemed at first!

    • No worries at all about changing course in a first draft! I think it was smooth and not overwhelming.
      Whereas the conversations are really fun when they are all together, I am interested to see some of the action when they separate and get started on their missions!

  • Thanks, Jacquie, I’m glad you’re enjoying the ride! Your confidence is very encouraging, and your words are kind. I think I do know where I’m taking you now, but I didn’t at the beginning. Which could explain why it’s taken me so long to get to this point. I don’t think I’d properly looked at the Plotting model Mia gave us! I probably need to get…[Read more]

  • Thanks, Deb – helpful stuff. As I said, Mia’s session has made me realise I may have got the plot points in the wrong places – probably because it took me a long time to settle on what it was all about. To be honest I’d forgotten about plot points and the diagram! Anyway, I’m glad you’re still enjoying it. I will definitely do some of the…[Read more]

  • Hmm – you’ve made me think. I guess I did take a long time to get into it – and I might end up having to rush the ending. (Having been to Mia’s “Plotting the End” session, I think she might agree with you. But all I can do now is to keep going and adjust things in the rewrite. Very helpful, thanks.

  • Oh you must do the rewrite – there’s so much potential in your story! It was great to see you at Mia’s session – though I felt a bit disheartened by what she said as I think my plot points are all in the wrong places and I was planning to commit one of the cardinal sins for the ending. 🤔 But all I can do is write the story that I’m writing and…[Read more]

  • First, can I say I don’t think there’s anything boring about your descriptions – they’re very vivid and really draw me in to the setting. But I can appreciate that you want to vary things.
    Given the huge transition Corryn has just been through, being in her head is probably the only starting point. It’s not boring. I like the way you show her…[Read more]

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Barbara Duff

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@barbb12

Active 1 day, 19 hours ago