Ah, yes, that makes sense. Thanks for clarifying!

Sorry for making you wince – I’m taking cheap shots at the government which I also hate. Although hopefully they won’t still be in power at the time this story is set!! Thanks for the positive comments.

There are still a few bits to put in place, Beth, but I’m definitely building up to it! Thanks for the positive comments.

Thanks, Jacquie – it’s a relief that there’s still tension despite the lack of a great deal of physical action!

Thanks, Rebekah! I hope that what comes before isn’t too confusing. As I said I’ve changed things as my ideas have evolved but haven’t gone back and rewritten. Do ask if you still have questions!

Thanks for the comments, Beth. That’s good to hear. As I said to Frances, I worry about the lack of physical action.

Thanks for your comments! I’m glad it felt exciting – I’m worried that it might not be because there is little physical action!

Thanks for clarifying – yes, that’s good!

Ooh, I hope so!

This scene was fun – I liked the description of Tessa gradually mastering the technology and her appearance was spectacular. Interesting idea that the virtual dresses are as expensive and designer as the real ones – logical when you think about it, I suppose! I like the way Prof.Clive doesn’t get drawn into Mira’s plans for bowing. I’m still…[Read more]

What a gripping and dramatic scene! You brought Frances’s emotions to life and I felt as if I was there. I’m amazed that life afterwards just went on as normal. Helping with the biology homework was a great symbol of this. I found this a really powerful scene. I don’t think jumping around is a problem as each scene can stand alone – besides,…[Read more]

I’m glad Kim’s parents agreed to let Roark come to the Thanksgiving and you’ve done a great job of showing how this time it’s a parody of the usual happy times. The discord is so clear – it must be bad if the Robinsons remind him of his mother and Anders. The contrast with the Kendall we know is massive. I’d be interested to know how she reacts to…[Read more]

Once again you’ve done a really great job of showing the different facets of the friends’ relationships. The tenderness, the humour, the companionship – it’s all there. Very realistic and engaging dialogue. And what I really admire is the way the style of each is different.

I’m probably being dense, but one thing puzzled me a bit – when Magali…[Read more]

Another disappointment for Frances – quite poignant. You show her excitement and pleasure at the trips vividly and this makes a strong contrast with the first paragraph where the disillusionment has taken root. It’s an interesting structure. I think I’d like to have heard more about how the provocative kiss made Frances feel!
Just one thing – I’m…[Read more]

Hi Rebekah – I’ve only read from Scene 18 so far but I can see how devious and manipulative Martin is. (I started feeling a bit sorry for him in Scene 18!) I wonder what his long term plans for Craig really are. There are also some great hints about life in Great Palatium – I’m intrigued by the idea of people exercising to enhance their social…[Read more]

Well, not quite the Christmas party I was expecting! Great developments – full of action. I love the way it’s in Magali’s nature to tackle injustice head on. I think she’s going to be a great lawyer (or am I being naive?)
I also loved the interlude with Ryan and your drily humorous turn of phrase (“albeit with the technicality of having to take…[Read more]

You asked for expanding suggestions. I must say the scene felt pretty complete to me, but here are a couple of ideas:

• Roark could reflect a bit on the presentation which would give you more opportunity to show how things weren’t back to normal;
• You could describe a bit more of the excitement of the buzz in the cafeteria so we get the atmosphere…

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