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  • Really good scene. I liked all the interactions and even understood the legalities. Also ending it with the drama was excellent. I think you could make the interaction with Lucy a bit longer. Also euans reaction to Lucy’s appearance may also need a bit more dialogue. But it all flowed really well and the storyline was absorbing. Loved the bit .. t…[Read more]

  • Superb. Really captures the horror. Gives you a line of hope for the girls. Really moving and made me feel that it was all happening. Great storytelling.

  • Scene 21 The message

    Connors secretary popped her head into his office and told Conner that there was a young lady called Izzy in reception asking to see him.

    ‘Izzy?’ Asked Connor. ‘I don’t know an Izzy.’ […]

  • Another poignant piece of writing. All your characters are clearly defined . There is a real sadness about Annie and she appears a lost soul to me. I’m not sure if that’s how you picture her. Jack came out of the good box and seems the perfect husband…. Maybe I need some lessons. Always good to get the sisters viewpoints and they bring real spice…[Read more]

  • All perfectly balanced Patti. You are such a great writer. People cope with tragedy in different ways and you really got that across to the reader. My only hesitation was… I was thinking that Christine seems to have a lack of urgency and maybe counselling is a step too far…away from her main role… not sure. Paul does seem removed when his daugh…[Read more]

  • Mystery mystery mystery…. Very good and so many red herrings. We can see Murray very clearly and you capture the period and class system superbly. I was a bit surprised that Christopher didn’t demand more information and accepted that he waits at the hotel..I’m trying to guess how Murray knows so much but I can’t work it out. Also would Christo…[Read more]

  • Short but potent. You really capture the panic and the fear. Superb. I was surprised that it was Maria and I wondered if she could be alive. It’s definitely part of the last scene. I thought she had drowned but I assume there must be air in the box and it’s the cold that she is suffering from. The policeman’s right … these two need to do a lot o…[Read more]

  • This is a great scene and all the right ingredients for a Xmas party. Loved the shouting and intimacy with Ryan…. Possibly some action here ! . It was all at the right pace and read really easily.. like a novel ! Possibly missing a description of Magali’s hair as it’s the first time we really get a visual of her. I think you could give us more…[Read more]

  •  Scene 20. Keira makes a move.

    Keira was having a coffee at her favourite café next to her work.  It was one of these new trendy eco-friendly cafes that seemed to be on every street corner. She had arranged to me […]

    • Jacqie replied 1 week ago

      Love this scene, Graham. Great dynamics between the two siblings. I was initially wondering how a lawyer would have learned to shoot, but then reference to her past is enough of a clue.
      The tension is good, great pacing. Looking forward to next week.
      PS Read this on my laptop nursing a solitary coffee in a cafe 😉

    • Nina replied 1 week ago

      Too bad the word count didn’t leave room to expand the second part. The meeting of the sisters worked well. The dialogue was on point and came across natural. I love how you have me going back and forth about Keira (I’m glad you’re sticking with the name) and Lottie. Izzy is fun. Hope she sticks around.

    • Okay, I’m starting with the last scene. Such a good job conveying the blind dedication – the single-mindedness of a radicalized person. I kind of like the brevity of this part; I think it helps aid the feeling of the foreboding urgency to the plot.

      Good scene between Kiera and Izzy. As usual, the dialogue was great. You’re doing a terrific job keeping the tension level high while doing everyday things.

      Looking forward to next week!

    • i love the line from the younger sister: ‘So, you saved him, fucked him and now you’re both screwed up?’ Its as though Izzy and Rocco are your portals into the main characters minds. it works really well.
      Question – would a 20 something know what an envelope is? I am sure you have a reason for using the post though

    • I didn’t realise/had forgotten that Keira was a lawyer. Her sister is the archetypal student! I can see her so clearly! Well done. I agree with Patty that keeping the Arab sections to a minimum heightens the tension.

  • I really liked this scene. Your words as ever seem to fit perfectly in order and its a great read. I think Nina has a point, but it could be easily solved. Reynolds has to know something that makes him really believe that christine has something to offer. You might have to go back and plant something she said that converts Reynolds from being a…[Read more]

  • mmm…all very mysterious. the plot thickens. Really well written and had me captivated. A few questions in my head. What symptoms did he have of food poisioning? Its usually sickness and stomach cramp. He may be moaning ? I felt Callie would be questoning him and we would know some of the answers. The reader was left a bit in the dark. does she…[Read more]

  • Great scene and full of tension. The dialogue between the two was super and really conveyed the differences in their characters. The descriptions were great too and I could picture it all.. Loved the last line.
    Only hesitation I had was the speed they set off after finding she was threatened. I felt there would be a few questions about who…[Read more]

  • Acomforting scene and intro a new intersting character . The reader feels for Lucy and her lonlieness. There is a lack of love in the household I feel and I still wonder if Annie can handle all this. She seems so out of place here.The words all flow like a gentle river and you cant help feeling there is a waterfall ahead. all beautiful…[Read more]

  • Very good. You are back on track with the bonding of three friends . Also the sub plot of the deportation works well. Plenty of excuse to get the legals in.
    I thought that perhaps Magali may have said something to the chap that kissed her and there would possiblyy be a description of his reaction?
    It all reads well and flowed off the page. Great stuff.

  • Scene 19… I keep crashing in the same car.

    Peter Robinson was studying various slips of paper scattered over his desk and at the same time looking at his computer screens. He knew the answer to the puzzle was i […]

    • I think your writing gets better/smoother each week, Graham. These are great scenes. Terrific dialogue between Peter and Sylkie, showing them dancing around the plot. I don’t think you need the “said Peter” at the end of the 5th paragraph.

      You’ve also given Rocco and Connor a nimble, easy-going style with true “bro” mannerisms – I love their banter. You conveyed everything we need to know about Kiera and the ongoing danger, and the fact that Lottie questioned him about her before he left. (uh oh!)

      Well done.

    • I agree with Patty. You are on a roll. The banter between the two friends is always superb. The MI5 plot is bubbling away nicely. And the Hadid thread is being plaited in enough to keep it fresh in our minds.
      PS I’d like Battersea power station – used to live down the road from it.

    • Nice scenes. You manage$ to tell us a lot through dialogue so it didn’t feel like telling, nice hints of the party to come in the first. I have to wonder if Rocco’s photos will figure in. And poor Kiera, I still think she’s up to something, but I love the not knowing.

    • This is great, Graham. Well done. Keira is starting to sound like a nutter!
      Just one thing – you switched tenses here: She makes a few taps her I pad and a face comes up on the main screen
      This is present tense while everything else is past tense. There’s a couple of words missing as well. Isn’t it ‘i-pad’?
      Loved that you had Battersea Power Station in. I’ve never understood why someone hasn’t done something with it and rooted around on the internet to discover someone has! Huzzah!

    • Hi Graham
      agree with the rest. it is a great game of chess you are playing; the pieces gradually moving across the board, closer to the king.I wondor if Rocco’s app or Battersea station are somehow going to be part of the story. I like that you have me guessing.

  • I’ve just been to a wedding this weekend…Its making me feel uncomfortable writing this. I was looking around thinking what would happen if….

  • You are such a great writer. the first few paragraphs were so skilful and the way you capture the inner thoughts of the mother was simply superb. You’re getting to the hard bit now and you have also separated the girls. My only thought was that in a whore house the price of a virgin would be huge and the professionals would know that.

  • Yes. Really good scene and all delicately balanced. Had me gripped. There is a baddie in the house and I guess it is one of the leading men. I don’t think the doctor will like the attention Christopher is giving Callie. All at the right pace.

  • I agree with Patty. your writing has a hypnotic feel about it. quite a few jumps here and the reader has to search their memory banks, but i only had a couple of re read sentences. All your descriptions are beautiful. I see Annie as a tormented soul and really very sad. I feel sorry that she has come back to this small town and wonder if she will…[Read more]

  • Hi Tim very descriptive as always. If all these characters got together they would be a real mean bunch. who is the worse? I don’t know. Is there any goodness in any of them? some of the speech needs editing… I am would be I’m. there is a few of this type needing shortening. All very well written and the story keeps its thread.

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Graham Kennedy

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@bad-graham

Active 8 hours, 16 minutes ago
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