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  • A very intricate plot indeed. There’s a lot going on and the reader really gets drawn into the intrigue.

    There are one or two things though: Firstly, the layout of the text is very hard to read. It would be much easier if you had seperate paragraphs and also each line of dialogue in a seperate paragraph too. It would be much easier on the…[Read more]

  • A lovely, heartwarming piece.

    I enjoyed your descriptions and the way you strove to render the image real, for example: The orange drawstring wrapped twice around her palm, pulled at the ligaments, shoulder to elbow to the wrist. A shocking curl of pain and numbness slithered through to her fingers, numbing.
    It makes the text come alive and the…[Read more]

  • A very relatable story. I felt the characters were convincing and realistic and the dialogues were on point.

    One thing that could maybe be worked on is the chunks of ‘telling’. Like this : It wasn’t until breakfast with her parents and brother the next day that she began to wonder if her mom may have been right. It was a simple little task. Her d…[Read more]

  • Babette commented on the post, The Three Marys by Che 1 month ago

    A very atmospheric story. The dialogues are on point and keep with the Biblical manner in which they would have spoken (translated to English of course). The grammatical tense problems have already been pointed out. If you start to describe a scene in a certain tense, you should stick to it (unless of course you have flashbacks or something like…[Read more]

  • Babette commented on the post, The Lemming by Babette 1 month ago

    Thanks for the detailed comment. I tend to not know where my stories are going until right at the end, so I’m happy the plot works 🙂

  • Babette commented on the post, The Lemming by Babette 1 month ago

    The positive comment is much appreciated. You understood the plot perfectly.
    Not sure if I’ll continue it though. I’m usually too lazy!

    As for your question, I tend to read stories of writers who don’t get many comments. It’s hard to get a feel on your piece if you only have one or two, so those are the ones I go for.

  • The Lemming by Babette

    #

    “Good afternoon, miss. Who are you here to see?” The receptionist was new and welcomed her with a toothy smile.

    “Edward… uhm, Mr. Samuel, I mean. Fierce Technol […]

    • This was quite captivating. You painted the picture of your MCs dilemma in such a subtle way that the ending was quite a surprise. Your descriptions were on point. It was suspenseful throughout. I was engaged and felt the tension of the interactions through to the climax.

      • Thanks for the detailed comment. I tend to not know where my stories are going until right at the end, so I’m happy the plot works 🙂

    • What a great thriller-wish there was more!
      You totally pulled me in and I was quite frustrated coming to the end of this and nothing to look fwd to.

      So she crossed,and then double -crossed her ex-boss/lover/agent?
      Hope you continue this later.

      I still dont get why you do not have a following -your writing is always good and intriguing- do you reciprocate reads?

      Excellent piece

      • The positive comment is much appreciated. You understood the plot perfectly.
        Not sure if I’ll continue it though. I’m usually too lazy!

        As for your question, I tend to read stories of writers who don’t get many comments. It’s hard to get a feel on your piece if you only have one or two, so those are the ones I go for.

  • Thanks for the comments, Jan. I should have checked the formatting before I posted. The floating sentences would have been spaced out better… They refer to a poem from ee cummings ‘it may not always be so’ about a wife’s betrayal and the terrible loss her husband feels. It was the poem that sparked the story.

  • Loved this positive story. If life gives you stale beer, make whiskey 🙂
    Good job with the characterisation. The characters feel true and convincing.
    Just one thing that felt a bit like information dumping: “Andy Lewis, Cathy’s husband and business partner slipped an arm around his wife’s shoulders,” Think you could just have said “Andy put his…[Read more]

  • Absolutely captivating. Loved the dialogue between the two Grim Reapers. One of the few stories I’ve read that really makes me want to know where this is going.
    Great similes in the text which gives the writing depth and makes the descriptions come alive to the reader.
    Although I did feel that too much of a good thing… In the first paragraph…[Read more]

  • A story with good tension starting right from the first sentence, and a good build-up towards the final compromise between the two characters.
    It does read a bit like an anecdote though and more shaping would have eliminated wording that seems too colloquial and repetitive (like: “So, there I was in my doorway,…” “So, in this state of…[Read more]

  • I think you just changed a lot of minds when it comes to reading science fiction on this platform. Maybe because you write it so well, it’s like you’ve been doing it for lifetimes 🙂 Totally agree with a previous comment that you are a very sensory writer. When you describe, the scene is so vivid that I am right there alongside your characters.…[Read more]

  • A fun read. Full of antagonism but also almost bantering. I said almost! Great rhythm and I like that last triumphant line.

  • This story does a good job at capturing the times we’re living in.
    I have to agree with the first comment though that some of the lines felt stiff, like “Yes, but you have left me in the dust with your letters and luck in using the best tiles.” I’m not sure people would speak that way. Maybe read it aloud and see what you can do to help the flo…[Read more]

  • It takes courage to share writing that touches on religion, kind of like shaking up a beehive.
    I like the conversational tone of the piece. Interesting take on the do unto others command.

  • Great humour in this piece with the lovely reveal at the end making things slip into place. And all of that in only dialogue! Nice job.

  • Great decription of the physical and mental toll it takes to write.
    And what a pleasure indeed to share the fruits of our labour on this platform.

  • Is this love? He has spent the day cleaning the apartment, vacuuming the dust and hardened bits of food from under the living room couch, folding the sofa bed back to not be presumptuous, cleaning the shower of […]

    • Sounds like it is love.
      Love the details of the cleaning process.

    • Hi Babette,
      I must say I decided to read your piece in the first place because I found it interesting to choose your title in French. I like the simplicity and candidness of your style, and I found your line about her mouth tasting like ham and cheese very funny. I also like the repetition of “Is this love?” throughout the text. Oh, and the last line? SO poetic!
      Good job!

    • Good job! The reader feels the thoughts, anticipation, questions, disappointment.

    • Hi Babette,
      Love, well, many words have been scribbled, typed, printed, said and shown. And the question raised remains the same: What is love? Or as you so vividly described in this wonderful piece, ‘Is this love?’
      Beautifully written ! Astrid

    • Great structure that loads self-doubt into every moment. Each scene builds effortlessly on the one before. Some images hold as much uncertainty as the mind of the questioner, despite their clarity. It also has a circularity with that last line that makes me feel like this may go on forever, as it could so easily have been your opening line. Thanks for writing with such care and craft.

    • Hi Babette – quelle déception – the anticipation of her arrival, but she’s grumpy and out of sorts and it doens’t go the way he hoped. Not sure if this is love…she doesn’t even acknowledge all his hard work and loving preparations…Shame. But beautifully written,

    • Hey Babette, I can’t stop smiling and had not a little sympathy for your clearly lovelorn narrator. The feelings may not be required but he’s so smitten. I really like ‘…whiskey-smooth jazz fills the room and his body with a humming expectancy.’ His efforts at restraint add another level to the storyline. Maybe she would have responded better if he was more passionate? Maybe not? Really cool writing and a very enjoyable piece. Regards, Seyi

    • I liked this line: He lowers an LP on the turntable and whiskey-smooth jazz fills the room and his body with a humming expectancy.

      How the music fills the room and fills him as well 🙂

      This is how love really is, isn’t it? One where not romance but care for the other despite the disappointment one suffers wins the day 🙂 I liked how you build the anticipation up until finally even we were disappointed at how the night ended 🙂

    • Hmm… Is it love indeed. 😉

    • Hi Babette,
      This is love mixed with the realities of life.
      Watch out for repeats , “the day… the apartment… the dust… the living room…” and starting sentence with the same pronoun, “He lowers… He imagines…” Thank you for sharing. Cheers, Paul

  • You manage to render the landscape of a failing marriage in so few words and it’s heart rending. Well done.

  • What a fun read! It’s hard to do humour well but you got it just right (unlike the chili…)

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Babette

@babette

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