• A very intricate plot indeed. There’s a lot going on and the reader really gets drawn into the intrigue.

    There are one or two things though: Firstly, the layout of the text is very hard to read. It would be much easier if you had seperate paragraphs and also each line of dialogue in a seperate paragraph too. It would be much easier on the…[Read more]

  • A lovely, heartwarming piece.

    I enjoyed your descriptions and the way you strove to render the image real, for example: The orange drawstring wrapped twice around her palm, pulled at the ligaments, shoulder to elbow to the wrist. A shocking curl of pain and numbness slithered through to her fingers, numbing.
    It makes the text come alive and the…[Read more]

  • A very relatable story. I felt the characters were convincing and realistic and the dialogues were on point.

    One thing that could maybe be worked on is the chunks of ‘telling’. Like this : It wasn’t until breakfast with her parents and brother the next day that she began to wonder if her mom may have been right. It was a simple little task. Her d…[Read more]

  • A very atmospheric story. The dialogues are on point and keep with the Biblical manner in which they would have spoken (translated to English of course). The grammatical tense problems have already been pointed out. If you start to describe a scene in a certain tense, you should stick to it (unless of course you have flashbacks or something like…[Read more]

  • Thanks for the detailed comment. I tend to not know where my stories are going until right at the end, so I’m happy the plot works 🙂

  • The positive comment is much appreciated. You understood the plot perfectly.
    Not sure if I’ll continue it though. I’m usually too lazy!

    As for your question, I tend to read stories of writers who don’t get many comments. It’s hard to get a feel on your piece if you only have one or two, so those are the ones I go for.

  • The Lemming by Babette

    #

    “Good afternoon, miss. Who are you here to see?” The receptionist was new and welcomed her with a toothy smile.

    “Edward… uhm, Mr. Samuel, I mean. Fierce Technol […]

    • This was quite captivating. You painted the picture of your MCs dilemma in such a subtle way that the ending was quite a surprise. Your descriptions were on point. It was suspenseful throughout. I was engaged and felt the tension of the interactions through to the climax.

      • Thanks for the detailed comment. I tend to not know where my stories are going until right at the end, so I’m happy the plot works 🙂

    • Kim replied 8 months ago

      What a great thriller-wish there was more!
      You totally pulled me in and I was quite frustrated coming to the end of this and nothing to look fwd to.

      So she crossed,and then double -crossed her ex-boss/lover/agent?
      Hope you continue this later.

      I still dont get why you do not have a following -your writing is always good and intriguing- do you reciprocate reads?

      Excellent piece

      • The positive comment is much appreciated. You understood the plot perfectly.
        Not sure if I’ll continue it though. I’m usually too lazy!

        As for your question, I tend to read stories of writers who don’t get many comments. It’s hard to get a feel on your piece if you only have one or two, so those are the ones I go for.

  • Thanks for the comments, Jan. I should have checked the formatting before I posted. The floating sentences would have been spaced out better… They refer to a poem from ee cummings ‘it may not always be so’ about a wife’s betrayal and the terrible loss her husband feels. It was the poem that sparked the story.

  • Loved this positive story. If life gives you stale beer, make whiskey 🙂
    Good job with the characterisation. The characters feel true and convincing.
    Just one thing that felt a bit like information dumping: “Andy Lewis, Cathy’s husband and business partner slipped an arm around his wife’s shoulders,” Think you could just have said “Andy put his…[Read more]

  • Absolutely captivating. Loved the dialogue between the two Grim Reapers. One of the few stories I’ve read that really makes me want to know where this is going.
    Great similes in the text which gives the writing depth and makes the descriptions come alive to the reader.
    Although I did feel that too much of a good thing… In the first paragraph…[Read more]

  • Babette commented on the post, Impasse by CE Botha 1 year ago

    A story with good tension starting right from the first sentence, and a good build-up towards the final compromise between the two characters.
    It does read a bit like an anecdote though and more shaping would have eliminated wording that seems too colloquial and repetitive (like: “So, there I was in my doorway,…” “So, in this state of…[Read more]

  • I think you just changed a lot of minds when it comes to reading science fiction on this platform. Maybe because you write it so well, it’s like you’ve been doing it for lifetimes 🙂 Totally agree with a previous comment that you are a very sensory writer. When you describe, the scene is so vivid that I am right there alongside your characters.…[Read more]

  • it may not always be so

    The front door still oddly looked like it had that morning: the blue paint chipping at the corners, the solid brass doorknob, the scuff mark from an angry shoe. And when she made her way […]

    • Jan replied 1 year ago

      Dear Babette,
      What a story! You’ve beautifully captured the raw emotion of the passion and the betrayal.
      I admire how you open the story with so many subte details that plunge the reader right into the scence – excellent example of showing. And at the end we feel for poor Tom who did believe in this perfect life from which she strayed.
      The rapid switching from point of views did confuse me initially together with the floating sentences in between – I gather they link somehow to the title?
      Beautiful and intense story and writing – well done thank you for sharing!

      • Thanks for the comments, Jan. I should have checked the formatting before I posted. The floating sentences would have been spaced out better… They refer to a poem from ee cummings ‘it may not always be so’ about a wife’s betrayal and the terrible loss her husband feels. It was the poem that sparked the story.

    • Nina replied 1 year ago

      What an enthralling read. An interesting flow. I liked the little half lines even though I wasn’t sure their purpose. In this story it us what you didn’t say that makes the music. Beautifully written.

    • Sjoh. Quite suspenseful!
      The ending creates the sense that the man’s at a loss for lack of closure; that her unfaithfulness isn’t the only thing that haunts him — but the fact that underneath that bitter rage he still loves her? And maybe even realizes his own fault in the matter…
      I also really enjoyed the comparison drawn up with the Oak’s rings.
      Mind though, I suggest that you inform the reader in the genre field on the submission page that it’s a suspense/thriller… 🙂

  • So kind of you, thanks! The story was initially only 500 words so I kinda had to stretch it to get to the word count so I put in more of Provence, more backstory to flesh out the characters. I’m glad you enjoyed it.

  • Thanks! I feel Provence is a place you experience with all your senses – it comes alive on the page just about all by itself.

  • One is always scared of backstory and not overwhelming / boring the reader with a good dumping! So your comment is highly appreciated.

  • Thank you! I do think it helped setting the story in Provence. It just is that intoxicating a place 🙂

  • A powerfully written piece. Loved this line: History is rife with the eulogies for entire civilizations written on the shoulders of just one man.

    However, I don’t know if it was judicious to initially deceive the reader into thinking that the narrator is being persecuted for being homosexual. Of course as the writer, one has every right to…[Read more]

  • A captivating read. Convincing dialogue with good pace.

    Watch out for punctuation mistakes :
    “May I come in, Mr. Long?” We need to talk, Harry recognized her as the young woman who met him, her uniform still crisp white and perfect despite the late hour.
    “May I come in, Mr Long? We need to talk.” Harry…

    Would love to know where this sto…[Read more]

  • An intriguing story with some unusual ingredients!
    I do think that the story could have used a bit more showing then telling. For example, this paragraph:
    It was an ordinary Sunday morning when Jane, out of the blue, had an ardent desire to go sailing. Aleksandr, always up for an adventure looked at the weather forecast, and said that he would…[Read more]

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Babette

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