• C Alexis and Profile picture of pfgpowellpfgpowell are now friends 2 weeks, 2 days ago

  • You took a walk with me
    after a hard days work

    your words, encouraging,
    your caresses, gentle

    you clasped my fingers
    in yours, giving of your

    strength when I needed
    it the most,

    casting me in your
    glow, I felt […]

    • Wow, so many emotions that leave questions. Good job

    • Stunning poem Neta. It made me smile as it picked up tempo and positivity. I could feel the warmth and the love and care that was emanating from the other person. I can relate to this ‘rebirth’ very well, and releasing the weight of the past.

      Well done and thanks for sharing.

    • Hello Neta,
      The poem works cleverly towards the realisation that the narrator has the possibility of becoming like her friend – changing herself to become a smiler. Great idea for a poem. Thanks for sharing.

      • Hi Christian,
        Thank you for your kind words. This piece was closer to my lived experiences than most…

    • Hi Neta, a really nice poem. As a reader, I could feel the MC discovering the pleasures when love is both offered and accepted. ….well done. Great visuals of the mouth reacting to love…’i broke open the gash that was my mouth’.

  • Warming waves 

    Crossing the void 

    Electric 

    Magnetic 

    Frenetic

    Incising infinity 

    Eyes on our Earth 

    Espying earlier epochs

    To detect

    To discern

    To disclose

    Light must 

    Shine

    Bounce

    Reflect

    Baring truths

    • Hello,
      There’s plenty of alliteration and assonance in your poem. I had to look up the meaning of synergy – a word I’ve sort of understood for a long time, without being able to pinpoint the meaning. Your poem certainly ‘produces a combined effect greater than the sum of its separate effects’, Well done.

    • Unique style striking poem-gives the image of a ray of light coming down

    • I love how your poem gradually builds from beginning to the end – “baring truths”. Good job.

    • Hi Alexis, I enjoyed this poem. The structure of it, the short lines, and the simplicity. Very well done:) Thanks for sharing.

    • I love this poem. The alliteration, assonance and short lines give the piece a great rhythm and energy which the words speak of. I liked the title and the final line of light baring the truth.

      Well done and thanks for sharing.

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  • Sixteen year old Inez walked away knowing that she was leaving home for the last time. Her grandfather sat on a bench by the front gate. Inez laced a hand through his shaggy gray hair, then grasp his chin, peering […]

    • First – a typo; ‘brassiere’ not ‘brasserie’ Otherwise a very good narrative of a situation which is far from unusual.

    • Hi Neta, you did such a good job conveying Inez’s guarded hope in the face of a bleak reality. I could easily see the road, the house, the bus, the people. Very well written.

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  • .Cowering in a corner, huddled against the concrete wall, he looked miserable, as if the very essence of life was draining out of him and he no longer had the willpower to fight the slow decline.The guards […]

    • Hi Michael,
      I loved this. It was very descriptive. The twist, that it was an animal of so kind was unexpected, but all the signs were there when I read it through again. Thank you for a interesting and entertaining read.

    • What a sweet story. I love the way you sprinkled clues leading us to the revelation but I didn’t see it until the end. Well done.

      • Cheers Nancy,

        It’s one of the things I am practicing, the twist reveal with unnoticed clues all the way up to it.

        Thanks for reading.

    • Oh fun! I liked this a lot. Love twists that I don’t expect. That, on second reading, seem obvious. Good stuff.
      A few thoughts: I felt like you can help ground the reader, tantalize them a bit more, with a few more physical/visceral descriptions.
      Like achy bones, dry throat. What did his body feel like? What did the meat taste like? Would love to know specifics.
      Also, I think when you mention the grass, you can do it with a very light touch, brief and fleeting. Let the sentence structure mirror what the memory is doing.
      Just a few suggestions, thanks for the read!

      • Hi Wailana,

        I’ll take the suggestions on board and, next time I have a bigger word count, I will play with those ideas. Thanks for reading, I appreciate the feedback.

    • Nina replied 3 weeks ago

      Oh lovely. I guessed he was a dog. I love how you humanized his point of view as if he were a prisoner. And of course the highest form of human would be canine.

      • Ah, but is it a dog?

        Actually, thinking about it, if I had made the protagonist female, this might have been even more powerful and confusing.

        Thanks for reading.

    • Really enjoyed reading this. Realized only close to the end that it was a dog. Although, “Rufus” should have been a good hint.

      • There were a few hints, but I tried to think of a name that wouldn’t give it away too easily, like Fido or something.

        Thanks for reading.

    • Happy for Rufus. A very heartwarming story!

    • Hi Michael. A great story. At first, I was thinking of a man on death row, or something similar. Only towards the end did I get that it was a dog. Probably in the Pound, waiting for ages for someone to want him. So long that he gave up. Until this kind lady came along. Well written and touching in the end. A great tribute for John:)

      • Thank you, Jane.

        I wanted to mix in some dispair and love and still deliver a coherent story. I think it worked.

    • Hi Michael. I loved this story. I guessed it was a dog quite early on. I agree with Wailana’s helpful comments, and I definitely think this is a story worth fleshing out and working on. This seems awkward: ‘Sat outside his cell was a woman of middle years, greying hair tied up, sat cross-legged on the floor’. I think it would sound better if you said: ‘Outside his cell a woman of middle years with greying tied up hair sat cross-legged’ or something like that. I hope you keep going with this one.

      • Hi Jane,

        I’m not sure that I will be progressing this one at the moment as I am still working on my novel.

        However, I appreciate that you read it and your feedback has been noted.

    • I really enjoyed the way you drew us in, put us in the cell beside poor Rufus. I could feel the hopelessness and sadness – but I didn’t get it was a dog until the end. I had thought our protagonist was human. You did a very good job of twisting it at the end. I enjoyed reading this story and am happy that it seems things are going to turn out well for our Rufus. Thank you for sharing it.

    • Yes you did this well and I was fooled until the meat was offered. In my cynical way I worried that the meat was poisoned but that was me and it is clear that
      everyone else knew she was a kind lady coming to the dog’s rescue. I think you took me so well into the dog’s despair and resignation even I could hardly believe there was a possible good ending. Great and enjoyable read.

    • I made the daft mistake of glancing at a comment before I started reading… and found out the MC was a dog. Still, your revelation was craftily done, only confirming the ruse when you mentioned “paw” in the third line from last. You had great imagery throughout. Solid work, even if I did spoil it for myself. Take care.

      • Ah, the dreaded SPOILER COMMENT!

        I think that perhaps we should put a warning at the start of any stories that have a twist not to read the comments first.

        I appreciate your feedback.

        Thanks for reading.

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AV Harris

Profile picture of AV Harris

@avh-hawaiigmail-com

Active 19 hours, 13 minutes ago
Short Story : 8
Poetry : 8
WTC : 4
52 Scenes : 0
Dialogue : 0
Flash Fiction : 0