• Very nice sense of place. It was a transporting experience.

  • That is the unvarnished truth.

  • Thank you! It was going to be nonsense rhyming. Then I realized that the nonsense was going on all around.

  • A cascading combination of critically cringeworthy consonantsThe result of a mind full of phrases     In intricate mazesPulsing frantically in the sultry fields of feverWhere customs insist and opportunities ar […]

    • haha Free Britney 😆 – yaa – that says everything you need to know about our society….🙄

      thoroughly enjoyed this one – so many standout lines ( actually all of them😁 ) – but most liked is : ‘sultry fields of fever’ – I am literally feeling the sweat trickle down my back with this line.

      Great work!

    • Thank you! It was going to be nonsense rhyming. Then I realized that the nonsense was going on all around.

    • Hello AV
      Yes, we all seem to concentrate on the non-essentials of life and ignore the big things which are staring us in the face. Well done for your tongue in cheek poem which takes us to task.

    • Such a cool piece. Loved it.

  • I think it should be rectify in this phrase: “demanded that the highways department rectified the collapse”

  • Nice twist at the end and good use of the available word count. The typo “rectified ” was all I could find at fault.

  • Isn’t crepuscule the time between the sun going beyond the horizon and complete dark? Oh well, it’s poetic license!

    Thanks for reading. I figured 300 words was perfect for 2nd person. I wouldn’t do it for anything over 1,000 words.

  • It is late afternoon and you stop to wipe the sweat from your forehead with the back of your hand. Leaning the shovel against a boulder, you look across the distance at the jagged edge of the horizon that serves […]

    • oh wow. dark and yummy!
      I like this.
      Not sure if crepuscule is the right word in that sentence but all else hits the spot for me.
      Doing stories in 2nd person isn’t easy but you certainly nailed it.
      I liked the title but not so sure about the prompt.

      • Isn’t crepuscule the time between the sun going beyond the horizon and complete dark? Oh well, it’s poetic license!

        Thanks for reading. I figured 300 words was perfect for 2nd person. I wouldn’t do it for anything over 1,000 words.

    • I enjoyed this! At first I got the feeling of some sort of Sisyphean task – but turned out that there was definitely an end as well as a point to the task – dark though it is. Nicely done

  • AV Harris commented on the post, Beared by Riana N 1 month ago

    I like the varied rhymes you used. It kept the poem from becoming sing-song but added to the momentum. All that and it was funny too. Good job.

  • Thank you so much for that thorough commentary. I think that I was bored from revising it so many times, hence the warning. Yes, no happy ending here except to say that the narrator is still alive, moving on, and still searching.

  • It’s almost as if the poem is breathing!

  • AV Harris commented on the post, Found by June Hunter 1 month ago

    I can relate. I’ve got more hidden ideas than I care to admit to. Let’s hear it for fumbling around in the dark and stumbling on that spare flashlight.

  • It was just a little deflection. I wrote, edited, revised, but still wasn’t especially happy with it. I’m glad you found it worth your time.

  • I set off once more with theWeary road winding behind meLittered with the dry leaves of fallSome loose, some piledMost choose flight in the wind It was a sudden stormThat found me unawareAs the dark settled inNo […]

    • Hi AV. I’m not sure why you needed to include a warning of ‘boring’ with this poem. I did not find it to be boring. I read this as someone describing their own personal inner battle, as though they were trying to sort out their emotions. Using the imagery of a storm is a good tool. Well done and thank you for sharing.

      • It was just a little deflection. I wrote, edited, revised, but still wasn’t especially happy with it. I’m glad you found it worth your time.

    • Jane replied 1 month ago

      A very contemplative poem. I like the short lines and your word choice. I agree with June, using the storm was a good analogy. Well done.

    • Hallo AV. Hehe, no, this was not boring. I was sad that the poem did not end with a hint of hope, but that is okay because that is what you intended to convey and yes, sometimes journeys do turn out that way, or makes us feel like that at least.

      I really liked how you used “Weary road winding behind me” in the first stanza. Placing the weariness on the road rather than the traveler reminds me of how we are sometimes willing to exhaust ourselves in our attempt to get away from a place where we are always exhausted. And sadly it doesn’t always pay off.

      The “sudden storm” was a nice portrayal of life’s unexpectancies.

      I enjoyed the layers in your poem. In the second stanza it seems like the obvious explanation that the traveler’s back is hurting from the driving rain, but in the next stanza we realise that it must be deeper, as the traveler is wearing armour.
      Well done, AV, this poem offers a lot to reflect on. 🙂

      • Thank you so much for that thorough commentary. I think that I was bored from revising it so many times, hence the warning. Yes, no happy ending here except to say that the narrator is still alive, moving on, and still searching.

    • Hello AV,
      I followed your journey through the storm with interest. Your images are good and not boring. I was a bit confused by the dust in the last verse after so much water. I realise you are not yet satisfied with your poem (what poet ever is?) and perhaps that verse is one to have another look at. Thanks for sharing.

  • I liked it although I was hoping for some resolution. I did have to reread it to fully understand the time-jump to after the transaction in the gallery. My only suggestions are that there are too many sentences in the first two paragraphs beginning with he or his and I didn’t think a sophisticate would use the phrase “crash and burn” even as a thought.

  • Thanks. It’s always good to know some meaning was conveyed while still being entertaining.

    I ran the grammar checker again and it didn’t turn up anything in particular. I intentionally try to put in fewer commas. Was that it? Could you help me by pointing out what I missed?

  • That was a fun read. I honestly didn’t notice the tense changes, but what do I know! My only suggestions are to use the names less and just a couple of typos to fix. Other than that, I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

  • A cold gust of wind rushed into the hallway of the foyer as Martin and Jane scrambled to close the door while their hands were full of groceries. Jane had to give it an extra push to make sure it stayed closed. […]

    • AV – well done I sunk in as the characters were relatable. This was easy to follow and fun to read only critiques are on simple grammatical errors and descriptions – I throughly enjoyed it! Feel free to give me some feedback on my June submission- thanks! – Matt

    • Hi AV
      An enjoyable read, I like that there is a moral and a lesson to be learned. Things wound up pretty quick once the sticky note was read, nice coverage of that. Yes also only grammar corrections, probably just missed them.
      I like the first half detailing and then the dialogue comes in nice chunks.

      I enjoyed the inside mind dialogue they had with themselves, fitted in well with the ending and true confessions. nice!

      • Thanks. It’s always good to know some meaning was conveyed while still being entertaining.

        I ran the grammar checker again and it didn’t turn up anything in particular. I intentionally try to put in fewer commas. Was that it? Could you help me by pointing out what I missed?

    • Thanks Matt for taking time to read and comment. Sorry I didn’t get to read your June submission, I know its late but I will do it.

  • AV Harris commented on the post, Winter by AV Harris 2 months ago

    Winter for both brings changes!

  • AV Harris commented on the post, Winter by AV Harris 2 months ago

    Thanks! Yes, winter for humans and nature.

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AV Harris

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@avh-hawaiigmail-com

Active 20 hours, 58 minutes ago
Short Story : 4
Poetry : 5
WTC : 4
52 Scenes : 0
Dialogue : 0