• Sorry about that. Monty Python made me do it.

  • I couldn’t really tell, but I got better!

  • I’m not sure, but I think it turned me into a newt.

  • Good suggestion. It was a meta lark thing!

  • Lol, I only wish I was 43! This flowed nicely and was very readable. My only suggestion would be to look for some internal rhymes to make it even tighter.

  • Very good visuals to tie together awful episodes.

  • Thank you for reading. I’m glad you liked it,

  • It started out that way, but as the words spilled out, I thought that doing it in prose as a stream of consciousness was the best way because that’s how these kinds of things come to me. The idea of line breaks didn’t do justice to the torrent that inspired it.

    I appreciate your comment and the fact you read it in the first place!

  • I look over my shoulder at the trail heavily trodden and the narrow strip of grass I’ve tended, like a road reaching back to another life. A road  winding between the introspective, selfish, closed, […]

    • I like this a lot. It has a lovely, natural rhythm to it. A suggestion is that you break it up into a more poetic form and/or add more punctuation.
      I look over my shoulder
      at the trail
      heavily trodden and the narrow strip of grass I’ve tended,
      like a road reaching back
      to another life
      (just my 2c worth)

      • It started out that way, but as the words spilled out, I thought that doing it in prose as a stream of consciousness was the best way because that’s how these kinds of things come to me. The idea of line breaks didn’t do justice to the torrent that inspired it.

        I appreciate your comment and the fact you read it in the first place!

    • A very deep poem. I love it. Good job.

    • Hello AV,
      I understand why you chose the prose-poem format for this as it is true stream of consciousness. Your argument follows an interesting circular route and I don’t believe stringing it out down the page would help it. My only suggestion would be that you take out the bit inside the brackets – your metaphor for choices being animated is quite clear without further explanation to the reader. The poem’s a challenging read, but very interesting.

  • I really like the way you used the paint on the table and the odor in the clothes to parallel her feelings. I also liked the way you built up the level of desperation. There were only a few odd sentences, but I’m sure another day to proof would solve that. Overall, a very good telling of a tale that could have been cliché.

  • LOL. Look above for my reply. This interface is confusing.

  • Wow! Thank you for that thorough analysis. Yeah, there are some perspective issues and that’s because it started out with a much more introspective bent, but I ran out of words. I don’t think it ever would have been some gotcha ending, but I definitely wanted to include more lead-up to the reveal of the car. 1,500 words just weren’t enough to tell…[Read more]

  • In the span of time that flew by in the blink of an eye, 26 years had passed since Johnny left his hometown. It was 27 since he had married Audrey and 28 since his parents died. For Johnny, time only ever lurched […]

    • Hello, I enjoyed your story. You have some really good bits in here. I think the beginning is really well written. I like the counting of years in the first paragraph: 26, 27, 28. And I like the repetition of it in the second paragraph. This could be continued toward the end too to bring it back to the beginning. I had a bit of confusion in the third paragraph as you have used third person throughout but you say ‘I suppose’, which turns the narrator into first. Just a thought of whether you meant to do this or not.
      I like how you take the time to describe the town with purpose – each description feels like its there for a reason and not just for the sake of it. You manage to tell a lot about the character in little sentences such as ‘he hoped that seeing the place he grew up in would trigger something, but it didn’t.’ – you’re really good at not over explaining in your writing.
      I had a sense of foreboding around the middle and thought something truly terrible was going to happen at the end so for me, the ending felt like it stopped a little short.
      Overall, I really liked your characters, and storytelling. I think your writing was purposeful and intricate. Would be great to see what happened next and why Jack was never seen again…

    • Wow! Thank you for that thorough analysis. Yeah, there are some perspective issues and that’s because it started out with a much more introspective bent, but I ran out of words. I don’t think it ever would have been some gotcha ending, but I definitely wanted to include more lead-up to the reveal of the car. 1,500 words just weren’t enough to tell this story. I also have to admit that 3/4 was done the night before and there was an absolute minimum of proofing. Will I learn from this? We’ll have to see next month. Now, let’s go find your story to read!

  • I like the idea of many types of receptacles being a bowl. It allowed you yo explore the “bowlness” of each.

  • My grandmother had a bowl just like that too. I only saw the bowl a couple of times in my life when we visited. It must be nice to have those memories. It was like a trip through the corridors of your mind. Nice.

  • Thanks. I think that this is a theme that comes up more and more as we age. When your bowl is just starting to get filled, you don’t take care of it.

  • I guess creative minds think alike! The idea of a bowl as the receptacle for the experiences of life seemed natural to me too.

    I like the way your lines could be easily said aloud. It gave it more immediacy.

  • The bowl lay broken in several pieces
    Again
    Content splayed across the floor
    In the fall

    Filled and refilled to overflowing
    Again
    There’s no wonder it slipped
    From my hands

    Each part is gathered with care
    The […]

    • Hi AV
      Your poem took me back to my childhood. At that time porcelain pottery was scarce and expensive, so when a pot incidentally broke into two or even three pieces, a professional master could be called who would re-join the pieces. It was not as elegant as in Kintsugi. The pieces would be reconnected by making tiny holes along the break lines and “sewing” them with a wire. Then the “stitches” would be covered by some sort of white clay. Nevertheless, you could always notice that the pot was repaired.
      I enjoyed your poem, Thank you for sharing.

    • Hi
      I was attracted by your muse which incidentally, coincidentally visited me too. Your theme of healing crosses physical and metaphysical boundaries. Nicely done. CA

    • Hello,
      The Kintsugi method of porcelain repair has inspired many poets with its metaphor for restoring relationships or mental health. I like your poem and your repetition of ‘again’. It’s thoughtfully written.

      • Thanks. I think that this is a theme that comes up more and more as we age. When your bowl is just starting to get filled, you don’t take care of it.

  • Thank you. Yeah, the character issue was the idea. Each is “bad” in their own way. Throughout, I tried to do same/different. In the end, one lives in our world of reality, and the other in the supernatural.

  • Thanks for your detailed comments. I really appreciate it.

    They are twins and part of the plot is that they’re both duplicitous. Each is trying to scam the other. It’s for the reader to decide whether the smarmy or aggressive approach is worst.

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AV Harris

Profile picture of AV Harris

@avh-hawaiigmail-com

Active 1 day, 9 hours ago
Short Story : 7
Poetry : 7
WTC : 4
52 Scenes : 0
Dialogue : 0
Flash Fiction : 0