• Really enjoyed this, Lionel. Such natural story telling here, it just flowed – loved how it captured the dynamic of the family in a gentle and comic way. Loved the James Bond reference. I imagine it is set in Ireland? The Dad’s mid-life crisis was fun, would’ve liked to explore a bit of the other ‘ridiculous’ plans he maybe thought of. Good…[Read more]

  • Great storytelling here – clear motivation in that her goal is radiantly simple. Good use of dialogue. I like the repeated lines at the start and end, it gives nice bookends to the story. Also, structurally dividing the story into two viewpoints, gives the story a balance. – also shows the power balance between the two characters. If I had to…[Read more]

  • I really like the use of a second-person narrative, definitely gave the piece an edge – it locked you in the mind of someone suffering, and created a closed and intense mood for the story. I think it was a good idea to explore pain as a theme – we can all relate. And, yes, tied up nicely with the prompt.

  • A really nice story. In a way, it reminded me of “The Devil Wears Prada” – where every member of the story was a Miranda. As Scott Fitzgerald said, “The rich are different.” This story shows that.

  • Thanks Dannie. Really appreciate your comments, glad you liked it. I spotted one or two other little errors after I hit send. But, so pleased you found it realistic. I was worried it was too TV-movie-ish.

  • Thank you so much Anjum. I’m glad you enjoyed it.

  • “I hope it doesn’t rain.” Martin stood looking out the kitchen window. “It’ll make the tent sag.”

    “I think we had the worst of it yesterday.” Ash came to stand behind Martin. “Look⸺it’s cleared up nicely.” […]

    • such are parents dreams and wishes that make a happy family-a good story well woven with dialogue

    • I love this take on for hire. I was routing for the dads the whole time. I like the small details you put in so the reader can imagine the scenes. for people who have gone through or are going to go through adoption, it seems very real. I only saw one grammatical error, bath vs bathe, very easy to miss. overall, great story!
      -db

      • Thanks Dannie. Really appreciate your comments, glad you liked it. I spotted one or two other little errors after I hit send. But, so pleased you found it realistic. I was worried it was too TV-movie-ish.

    • Lovely story, really enjoyed how you unveiled each little detail, first the adoption and then the two dads giving layers to a conventional children’s birthday. Very clever and done with subtlety.
      There are a few typos and grammatical areas which I am sure you are aware of, not enough to distract from the excellent story telling though.
      A poignant piece, well done!

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  • Powerful stuff. The inexperienced, younger detective really worked. He is a good character.

  • Hi Natasha. Thanks for your really lovely comments!

    I do think I should fix that weird broke. It was left over from a longer draft of the story and probably doesn’t work here.

    I didn’t see it as a longer piece of fiction – but now you’ve put the idea in my head! 🙂

  • I loved the title – that’s what pulled me in here. It was a great story, with a strong sense of imagery, metaphor and humour. Maria was the Rosie the Riveter of the allotment – and she did it with pluck and glamour. You have a nice, easy style, Limor. Enjoyed this piece.

  • I’ll definitely try and write more about Tim – maybe even use him in the next prompt if I can. You’re right – it does seem like he is trapped or punished. One of the nice things about stories is that characters live beyond the last line. Maybe he does leave home, maybe he meets someone. But thanks for your comments – means so much to me.

  • I think the idea of the nosy-parker neighbours is a great one for the story, we can all relate to something like that. The younger couple, with the dominant wife and more complacent husband, also popped for me – I like that. If I had to give a note: the conflict is perhaps too neatly resolved. Maybe the older couple discover the hooligan is…[Read more]

  • I liked the story. Angela’s story is almost like a postcard confession of betrayal – you captured her voice very well. The narrator has a more jaded, tired tone – it works well in the story, although sometimes it comes across as a bit ‘formal’.

    I’d have loved some more detail on the setting of this pub – a bit of local colour. However, you…[Read more]

  • Ah, thanks Estelle – it’s actually so encouraging to hear people relate to the story and setting. I really was trying to go for something authentic.

  • Thanks, Zefira. Your comments are so kind – I’m glad you enjoyed the vignette. I think exploring family dynamics gives me an opportunity to bring in authentic conflict in a story – without losing a lightness.

  • Thanks, Zefira. Your comments are so kind – I’m glad you enjoyed the vignette. I think exploring family dynamics gives me an opportunity to bring in authentic conflict in a story – without losing a lightness.

  • I really enjoyed your story, it was neat and honest. The idea of Lacy having a makeover and taking charge again is a really good ‘hook’ to hang the story on.

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