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  • Ana commented on the post, Tempted by Seyi 1 month ago

    Hi Seyi,
    the movie reference made this clear for me, and the tension is perfectly built, in the good noir tradition. The club part was harder for me, that and the eggs, and I believe I’m missing a reference. The ending was perfect. If you wanted to project tension, you succeeded. Your writing is clever and excellent, and that’s the reason I keep…[Read more]

  • Hi Patty,
    well done on creating a well-rounded story with such few words. It’s funny and stirs the readers’ compassion. If anything, for me the title gave away the twist at the end a bit. Still, I enjoyed this!

  • Lol! Thanks a lot Patty!

  • Thanks June! I love when someone comments with a “wow” 🙂 thank you for stopping by!

  • RIP Mick. I got the feeling I know him after 300 words. I don’t know about the extra challenge bit this works for me as it is. You portrayed his frustration and the destruction of his lust for life. I think you did a pretty good job Adam, any complaints? 🙂

  • At twenty-five, all I wanted to do was drink.

    My buddies were buzzing, mingling tipsily, cheating on their spouses. Some drew breath through the nectar, buried in the sand beyond salvation; the occasional busker […]

    • Wow Ana! I love your words. This is an excellent fast-moving, hard hitting piece. And that ending! Well done and thank you for sharing.

      • Ana replied 1 month ago

        Thanks June! I love when someone comments with a “wow” 🙂 thank you for stopping by!

    • Ana, you captured a 25-year-old ‘carouser’ very adeptly! The red moon and the slender blond did him in, lol. Well done.

    • Adam replied 1 month ago

      This is great from the first line. I love this tho “A tall, blonde, slender cliché, everything else about her was Irish.” So good. But then I could have included a handful of other lines from this. Well done

    • Becky replied 1 month ago

      Amazing! So many good lines in here, Ana. You used the short word count to deliver a punch by making them all powerful–I’m left with a ringing in my ear myself!

    • Seyi replied 4 weeks ago

      Eish, Ana. So many pictures from so few words. I love them all, though I haven’t quite figured out ‘…buried in the sand beyond salvation.‘ The economy of ‘…owning my face, dictating, profiting,‘ is crazy funny and brilliant. Well done, you’ve surpassed yourself (again.) Regards, Seyi

    • I’m way past 25, but still drinking …up your words. I read it aloud and it’s like an Edward Hopper painting, noir-ish, with so much going on, i don’t know quite where to look. But the red moon is compelling. Thanks for sharing this!
      G

  • Ana commented on the post, Charge, by Seyi 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    Hi Seyi,
    this is rich and original and nothing like I’ve read from you before. It feels like African gothic if that’s even a thing, and very Lovecraft-y in the descriptions of the monster. It does have an underlying humor but probably less than other pieces. It’s horrific in different levels, and I appreciated the twist at the end. And the rats,…[Read more]

  • Ana commented on the post, Charge 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    Hey Amrita,
    this feels like you hid in a production set with a tape recorder and a hidden camera. Your prose is very observational and detailed, and reads like a movie. The pace is full of action though, which makes it an engaging read. I only get confused with characters’ names as I don’t know them very well. It’s amazing you’re doing this and…[Read more]

  • Hi Seyi,
    I hope you are well. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. What I’ve been posting lately are scenes from the novel I’m working on, and although some characters reappear, I’m not presenting the scenes in order. So, this is not really the continuation of last month’s but it does happen later on in the story. I was hoping that the…[Read more]

  • Hi Amrita,
    I hope you are feeling better now, and thanks for stopping by for such a long piece. Your comment is so kind and positive. This is part of a longer piece I’m working on. Unfortunately I couldn’t join 52S, life for me has also been a mess lately. My mom lost the battle to blood cancer and passed in December, so writing and reading has…[Read more]

  • Hi Patty. Thanks a lot for your comment. I felt uncomfortable about the verb tense at the beginning as well, but wanted to try it out; now you confirmed what I was thinking, I need to find a better way. Great feedback, thank you!

  • Ana commented on the post, The Plea by Adam 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    I think the only problem I have with it is that it’s so engaging and the tension is so finely built that I needed a most satisfactory resolution, like to know what the crime was. But it works this way anyways, didn’t Kafka’s The Process kind of follow a similar premise? It shows the frustration and the ennui by itself, no need for context. I like…[Read more]

  • Ana commented on the post, The Plea by Adam 1 month, 4 weeks ago

    Hey Adam,
    lots of things make me jealous of your writing. The way you can focus attention on a paperclip for entire paragraphs and still make it thrilling and tension-laden (the opposite of what I tend to do, which is fill paragraphs with information not letting the story breath through the lines). The foreshadowing is so masterful here, the…[Read more]

  • Hi Patty, this was real and feels close to home. I’ve recently spent one too many hours waiting outside ICU. You portray the mom’s inner thoughts and feelings perfectly, and capture her surroundings without losing the MC’s voice. Real and touching.

  • Hey Georgiana,
    thanks for this feelgood piece that somehow restores my faith in humanity. I feel for the neighborhood you depict and their struggles. But I got the feeling that some parts need a bit more work. For example, I like how you jump between characters in the 3rd person, but then with Diana you go for the 1st person, and I thought that’s…[Read more]

  • Hi June,
    I love the reality of this and how easy it is to relate to every character. A glimpse into a shop attendant’s routine that works like a glimpse into how humans behave, all seen from the monotony of a small corner shop, it kind of reminded me to the movie ‘Smoke’, where some guy takes a daily photo of the same street corner. Your writing…[Read more]

  • He sets out to look for his son the way a bull charges: without a plan.Pia has stood behind the house, her fists clenched and her face bloated. Silver hasn’t dignified his wife’s tirade with a reply, but in a way […]

    • Moving forward in spite of great weight. The story moves me from pity to compassion. It puts me in an unfamiliar setting and begs me to see the cultural uprisings. Well said.

    • Hi Ana,
      I missed reading your stories the past few months. With my health issues, and writing for both 52 scenes and 12ss, I just couldn’t make it. I am glad that I managed this time though. This was such an enigmatic and yet one of those monologues on life that you have depicted here. As usual, your language is pointed and pierces one under the skin like a needle. Every character here has a purpose and it’s interesting to see how it all comes back to Silver, his ordinary and unattractive semblance of a life. How cruel can people be in their condescendence. In fact, your story reminds me of some of the modern writers. The abstractness, vulnerability and futility of it all. Was thrilled to read one of stories after a very long time. Thank you for sharing!

      PS: I hope your mom is better now. Wish you and her good days ahead. Be safe.

      • Hi Amrita,
        I hope you are feeling better now, and thanks for stopping by for such a long piece. Your comment is so kind and positive. This is part of a longer piece I’m working on. Unfortunately I couldn’t join 52S, life for me has also been a mess lately. My mom lost the battle to blood cancer and passed in December, so writing and reading has been a struggle as well, but I feel I’m slowly getting there. At least the need to write hasn’t gone away, that is life-saving. Thanks for your concern and generosity.

        • Hi Ana,
          I am so sorry for your loss. I understand that a loss of such dimensions is extremely difficult to get over. My sincerest condolences. Your writing has not lost its touch. It’s fresh and just as inspiring as it used to be! Please don’t ever quit writing! All the best to you too and I pray that God gives you strength to get over this loss.

    • This is a heartbreaking story, Ana. You have a lovely lyrical nature to your narrative. I did find the verb usage at the beginning (I think it’s called past perfect continuous?) a bit distracting and I’m not sure it adds to your story, which is so strong on its own. I love how flawed your MC is, with his bone-deep self-doubts and misery. Well done!

      • Hi Patty. Thanks a lot for your comment. I felt uncomfortable about the verb tense at the beginning as well, but wanted to try it out; now you confirmed what I was thinking, I need to find a better way. Great feedback, thank you!

    • Hi, again Ana and howzit? This, the continuation of last month’s ‘The perils of labor,’ seemed to show your main character (?) Silver’s restraint, but reminded me powerfully of a phrase I recently heard, ‘Rage on a page.’ The pressures bubbling through Silver made me sure he would explode all over the gent driving him home, his wife, or his mother-in-law. I’m still unsure if his son ran away or was abducted, and this must have added to Silver’s pain. Another really well-crafted piece and a great complement to last month’s submission. Best regards, Seyi

      • Hi Seyi,
        I hope you are well. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. What I’ve been posting lately are scenes from the novel I’m working on, and although some characters reappear, I’m not presenting the scenes in order. So, this is not really the continuation of last month’s but it does happen later on in the story. I was hoping that the scenes work as standalones anyways, because that’s the way I want them to work in the novel. I will come up with a something completely different next month, I hope. I have been meaning to read your horror piece since submission day so I hope I find the time today. Seyi+Horror=It must be good stuff 😄

        • Aaah, gotcha. Sounds great and all the best. I am looking forward to the completed work, already. Regards, Seyi

  • Thanks so much Barbara. The stories for this year’s challenge are part of a bigger project, and I hope I’ll be able to share the entire thing soon. I’m very interested in knowing the scenes are understood by themselves, even if some pieces are missing. I’m really thankful for your encouraging feedback!

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Ana

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@ana-diaz

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