Lost in a City by Mike Cipolla

Drunk. Lost in a city he didn't know. And trapped in a building he stumbled into.

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SM Prasad
16 days ago

Hi Mike,
You’ve got a good set up to a story. I enjoyed his drunken wanderings. You described that well -especially the ground light of the city lights. This is a particularly well done sensory description: “Without warning the sky opened and dumped on him. No gentle mist or shower preceded this soaking. He was dry and then he was drenched to the skin. Now he could hear the squishing of the water in his socks over the sound of his water muffled footsteps.”
Because he’s drunk, he’s not the most reliable narrator, so we don’t know if there was really no warning before the rain. So it’s good that you put doubt there.
I think this story has promise. I wonder whether you will continue it here.

SM Prasad
14 days ago
Reply to  Mike Cipolla

Yes, I’ve experienced those rains!! Especially when I lived in Houston, TX!! But I think having a drunken MC allows you to give the reader another dimension and look beyond the MC’s words. I think that’s hard to do and I admire that you achieved that!

Nsbnina
12 days ago

I liked the cliffhanger ending as is. It seems a fitting end – to not know – to this story. The short sentences gave a choppy cadence that also was effective with your MC’s confusion and drunkenness. You could, of course, go on with this, but I liked not knowing.

Patrick
12 hours ago

Hi Mike,
I, too, enjoyed the sensory detail in the story. Also, I liked the close 3rd person POV of the narrator. It did vary a bit, and got a bit too distant from the character, particularly in the section describing the rain. When the character is in the bar and drunk and confused, the language and diction really shows that. The sensory section about the rain is great, but is written more clearly, not consistent with a drunk.
It’s a good start to a story that could go somewhere. I hope you continue working on it.
Cheers,
Patrick