It didn’t work by Kathleen Osborne

Dickie replies. CLICK, CLICK, CLICK.  “What the hell, it didn’t work! You knew it didn’t work. You gave me a gun that doesn’t work.”

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Michael vK
4 months ago

Great pace and I love how he’s regularly flummoxed by things that don’t go right for him.

Two minor things:

1. This sounds like the gun can’t be trusted… “I never give someone a weapon I don’t trust” – perhaps move the words ‘a weapon to the end.

2. I didn’t read anywhere how the owner died, and it niggles. Heart attack? Shot (but the police would have heard it)? Hit his head? What happened? It’s a loose end.

Thanks for sharing!

Mike
4 months ago

It moves fast! You’ve really kept the pace up, and it makes for a quick read. My only real recommendation would be to add some additional description of the location, events, characters, etc. Sometimes it feels like the story is taking place in white room. What does the jewelry shop look like? Are the victims panicking, crying, scared, etc? The story itself is great, but the world felt a little bland at times. Great work!

JM Barrie
4 months ago

Enjoyed the convergence of the two random random groups of people meeting at the one shared event, well done. I enjoyed the pace, and the dialogue for the most part, sounded natural and flowed well. Thank you for sharing

Dionne
3 months ago

Fast pace, some good bits of action but i question how the owner died? This has the makings of a really great story I think it just needs another round of edits and a bit more information.