In The Silence by EsterS28

In The Silence by EsterS28 # I lost, but you were the one winning. The light that shone in my darkness. If only I could start at the beginning. The silent hints of love, but never quite reaching that boldness. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. As I’m remind of your sweet...

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Deryn
14 days ago

Hi Ester this is very sad and brave – to walk away head held high when your heart is breaking. The rhyming isn’t too contrived and so doesn’t intrude. One or 2 suggestions, instead of ‘but you were the one winning’ what about ‘whilst’ instead of ‘but’? Just a thought. ‘As I’m remind of your sweet soul’ should read ‘reminded’ and ‘as your with your new love’ the first ‘your’ could either be ‘you’ or ‘you’re’ (but I prefer just ‘you’) I’m not sure I would have used linger and longer in the one line, it’s a little cliche but maybe ‘dwell’ although that’s old fashioned – what about ‘I won’t hold you back any longer’? All just suggestions, sounds like I’ve hijacked your poem, which I actually really liked!!

David Weimer
14 days ago

Ester-I like the way you worked the rhyme, and especially like the way you dropped it as the narrator’s hand was dropped. And as Deryn already said, it’s a very brave attitude.

Kim
Kim
13 days ago

I really applaud the bravery of one who realises their feelings arent reciprocated and walks away with their dignity intact. It takes courage and it is akin to mourning,which you touch on.
Nicely ,and astutely expressed

Christian Donovan
11 days ago

Hello Ester, I like the way your end of line rhymes don’t dominate the poem. They are subtle. I think you could separate your last line into two, to make a couplet: ‘Even though it’s not with you / I allow my light to slip away to be found anew.’ Thank you for sharing.

Limor
6 days ago

Hi Ester, honest and filled with the onslaught of defeat, you capture the fizzing out of a romance perfectly. I won’t comment further on the your/you’re but I did want the lines that end ‘longer’ and ‘moment’ to rhyme… not sure why, but felt it needed that, to tie the knot. I love how you continue to celebrate your ‘light’ regardless of your heartbreak. Beautiful!