ENVY by Kathleen Osborne

“Come on… quit wishing it was yours and come upstairs. You gotta see the Master Suite first. It’s enormous, with two walk-in closets, and a vanity between the sinks. Plus, an incredible tub! It is already in my colors and has lots of storage,” said Maggie.

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David
1 month ago

Well, I’m envious of that house and kitchen. I imagine anyone reading this will salivate at the descriptions of the house! Good job.

Just one thing that jumped out at me was maybe too much repetition about “come upstairs and see the master bedroom …”.

Good story and good friends story.

David
1 month ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Kathleen; Your writing has a great tone to it. As for the little errors like repition and spelling- I try to be done early enough to give it a slow proofread (sometimes out loud helps) andthat catches many small boo boos! You are doing great! Keep writing. 🙂

David
1 month ago
Reply to  David

Yeah- I know… I didn’t proof read and there are spelling errors… sheesh.
HAAA

Julius
1 month ago

Now I am jealous! Why can’t things like that happen to me? Except for two spelling mistakes I picked up and the repetition of ‘come upstairs’, I think it is brilliant. Keep on writing

Meg Fargher
1 month ago

I was expecting tragedy at the end and got joy instead – that was a really lovely gift; thank you. The characters are well defined quickly. A few typos and a stray ‘a’ hanging in there but I thought it was a lovely story. I am sure Joyce is jealous though!

Michael vK
1 month ago

The others have caught the errors.

I was waiting for Joyce to offer to make up the difference in price in exchange for the use of the kitchen occasionally, but your ending worked out better.

Thanks for sharing, and keep it up!

Amrita Sarkar
1 month ago

Hi Kathleen,

Wow! Some people have it all…but not until shedding their share of tears. A very enjoyable tale. Thank you for sharing!

Bhavna K.
1 month ago

I love happy endings. I was expecting the envy to have a twist but happy ever after works in a world that seems to disappoint more often. Apart from a few minor errors, this story reads well.

Catherine Garden
1 month ago

Hi Kathleen
Others have pointed out the repetition and I am sure you are working on that.
I enjoyed that the story had a happy ending, sometimes that is all we need. You told of a special friendship and I liked how you twisted the plot that the only really envious person was the reader. Joyce is a real true friend and although she has pangs of envy she just wishes Maggie the best.
PS What is a pot filler?

Estelle Westley
1 month ago

Well told story with lovely twists and turns.
Good job.

Chantel
1 month ago

Hi Kathleen
This is such a lovely story, and I was so thrilled with how you chose to end it. There are not enough stories with endings like these (not that I do much to fix that myself, haha). I do agree with the repetition issues, but I’ll also point out the inconsistency in your tense. You jump from past tense language to present tense language here and there. Try to pick one and keep it consistent throughout. Otherwise, good job on this one. I so enjoyed it.

Jennifer
1 month ago

I thought it was interesting in the way wove the story about the pregnancy and buying the house together. Good descriptions and vivid details.

I did get a bit confused trying follow the dialog even though you used the dialog tags. The two woman sounded very much alike. It would be helpful if their voices were different.

It may be picky but I don’t think you’re allowed to go into house if the sale isn’t closed. Was the owner still living there or was it empty? It just struck me as odd.

Nice work.

Ana
Ana
1 month ago

Hey Kathleen,
thanks for sharing an uplifting and human story, it reads very well and the dialogues are engaging. Other people here already pointed out the same little hang-ups I noticed so I know you’re working on them. Overall my impression was good, thank you for sharing!

micaela Blitz
28 days ago

Nice story – I was waiting to hear that Joyce had gazumped her out of jealousy, but instead there was a happy ending… much nicer!! The house sounded amazing