Dream Weaver (scene 48/52) by Ben Hunt

  • : Fiction
  • : A fair bit of disgraceful language...
  • : Man, this ending malarkey is tough to write...

Comments

  1. Natasha

    Hi Ben
    Was getting concerned that the bickering was happening for too long before Saleem’s interruption – , but I appreciate that you were adding a comic touch – perhaps that could be aided by inclusion of action/description of Saleem- like eating sipping his drink whilst watching the tennis match back and forth between the love triangle, before he loses it? Just a suggestion. -would glue the visuals together perhaps?
    For a small moment you had me possibly believing that maybe Matt wasn’t as ‘guilty’ as I thought ….hmmmmm
    I like how you are drawing out the tension but also pacing the scene forward. You are more fearless than I.- this wrapping things up but creating agency- I’m finding quite challenging
    xxx
    xxx

    1. Ben Hunt Post author

      Hi Natasha, thank you so much for the feedback and the suggestion. You’re being very kind and whilst I truly appreciate it, I’m not sure this scene deserves it. To tell you the truth, I’m really struggling with this ending. I just think the whole tanks/drugs plot doesn’t work like I had planned it in my mind. The problem is that it’s so central to the story, I can’t just get rid of it either.
      For now, regardless, there’s not enough time left to change it so I’ll have to just see it through the next four scenes but this story is needing some major rewriting…eek.
      PS. No way am I more fearless – I’m just completely fudging it all the way to the end 🤣 Your story, on the other hand, is the epitome of bravery, both in style and content. You’re nailing this hands down. I besotted with Andromeda’s world and don’t want to think about her story coming to an end xxx

  2. Peggy (PJ) Rockey

    I actually loved the bickering between Kate and Matt and Pierre, it does indeed bring comic relief to a highly intense scene, and it could very well be a ploy to see how far they can push Saleem. And the fight between Pierre and Matt is not only a great cliffhanger, but the perfect setup to open the next scene. But, what happened to the drugs? Good on you for keeping this little mystery so you have another final reveal. I so love this story, Ben, I’ll be sorry when it’s over, but will look forward to the final, published version when I can buy a copy for my library!

    1. Ben Hunt Post author

      Hi Peggy, thank you so much, you’re being so kind, especially since I’m struggling so much to make this ending coherent. Still, onwards and upwards – only four scenes left to go… 🙂

  3. Adam

    Hey Bene, Yep the back end of the scene is where the strength of the scene lies (including the thigh squeeze). I read above what you were doing with the triangular conversation – maybe the dialogue between Kate, Matt and Pierre just needs to be a little shorter and Saleem’s interruption a little sooner. Apart from that, I reckon you – as usual – have got this thing nailed. Well done again!

    1. Ben Hunt Post author

      Hi Adam, thank you so much for your support and feedback. I really don’t know about nailing it. In hindsight, the whole tanks/drugs plotline just isn’t working for me but without it, there’s not really a story as such – but that’s a dilemma for another day.
      I’m hoping I might feel differently after reading the whole thing in one go after a break. I probably should leave it until then to decide what I’m going to do with it. In the meantime, four more scenes to go, hurrah!

  4. SM

    Hi Ben,
    A very tricky scene. We’re learning some of the secrets that each character knew but we still don’t know everything. You’ve thrown a whole new mystery about what happened to the drugs. I’m a little confused by Saleem. Up to now, we’ve learned that he is scary and powerful. We’ve seen his henchman pull a gun on Matt, Pierre, and Kate and have them brought to his boat. The three of them are afraid but not really afraid if they feel comfortable enough to accuse one another about lying and air some jealousy as well. I found that dynamic a little confusing as I read this scene.

    We don’t know what’s happening on the other boat while they have been detained. I’m sure we’ll see that soon. When we see Hector hold Kate in a chokehold with a gun to her head, we see that the tension has escalated sharply. You’ve left us hanging–it’s an emergency to get to the bottom of the mystery and really fast. I’m looking forward to the next scene!!

    1. Ben Hunt Post author

      Hi Sudha, thank you so much for your feedback. I was trying to add a light/comical element to this tense scene by having them bickering in such inappropriate circumstances and Saleem getting frustrated by not being taken seriously but I realise I made a bit of dog’s dinner out of it. To be honest, the whole ending will need a rewrite as I’m not happy with the way it’s going but there just isn’t time to do that with the scenes remaining. Thank you so much for the helpful feedback 🙂

  5. Nina

    Well done. But, please, make Deryn be wrong 🙏🏼 Or if it has to be my friend Momo, make it for some twisted convoluted reason 😉. What a long way we’ve come and what a wonderful trip it is.

    1. Ben Hunt Post author

      Hi Nina, Momo is currently limbering in the wings for his stage re-entry but in the meantime, he asked me to thank you for your unwavering faith in him 🙂

  6. Marilyn Weisman

    Exciting scene.
    Danger.
    Somehow I would have thought the argument between the three of them would have been louder and not as though they were standing around having a discussion. This scene is loaded with tension and meaner, leaner snipes at one another would be fitting….but that’s just my thoughts and what do I know?
    You are doing an excellent job with the ending of this story and although I can’t wait till next week….I almost don’t want the ending to come soon.
    That is the mark of a great story, you know!

    1. Ben Hunt Post author

      Hi Marilyn, thank you ever so much for being so encouraging and for your lovely comments. I am finding the ending really tough to write so it’s much appreciated. I am going to have to look at the whole part on Saleem’s boat again and I have a feeling it will need quite a bit of rewriting so thank you for your helpful pointers 🙂

  7. Becky

    Hi Ben!
    I think you are handling the ending well, pacing and consistency with the rest of your story. We’ve got both Pierre and Matt holding up their hands in surrender. I think neither one of them truly knows where the drugs went.
    Here’s a great transition: “His voice jolted Kate out of the argument and back into the cabin. She bit her lip.”
    I also like how I’m being pulled to remember the sharks in the water, and that you cleverly have shown them to us earlier in the story to give this further believe-ability.
    Quick fix: ‘praise’ should be pry, I think.
    Hadn’t thought of Momo, but maybe Deryn is right. Though I’m hoping whoever did it had good intentions!

    1. Ben Hunt Post author

      Hi Becky, thank you for continuing to be so encouraging, I really appreciate it! And thank you too, for pointing out the typo (is it even a typo when it’s this bad?🤣) – I will change it in the main manuscript xx

  8. Susanne

    Hi Ben, this malarkey may have been difficult to write but you did so well! I have enjoyed this read thoroughly. I usually don’t like bad language but here it is so fitting to show Saleem’s nature. A tiny detail I really loved: Kate’s weak bladder. It’s a bit of comic relief in a high tension scene and so relatable to any woman! Only a female author could have thought of that. I like the way Kate speaks up for herself and the way Pierre seems to come to Kate’s rescue at the end.. I knew there was something knightly in him…I am so waiting to find out what happened to the drugs.

    1. Ben Hunt Post author

      Hi Susanne, thank you so much for being so kind. I am really struggling with this ending so I’m very grateful for your encouragement 🙂

  9. Deryn

    Yikes, Ben – couldn’t wait to get here – so is Momo going to be the baddie after all? Pierre and surprisingly Matt both seem pretty puzzled to me. Or maybe Colin and Jackie are part of an international drug smuggling ring… !!! Just one thing that jarred and that was when Kate crosses her arms
    “…Look at where we are now. I’ll never forgive you for that,” Kate said, as she crossed her arms.
    It seems like a little petulant gesture, and not a desperate one given the circumstances. Maybe her arms flail around, or she throws an arm out to show where they are or she jabs a finger at Matt…otherwise an excellent stand off between them all…

    1. Ben Hunt Post author

      Hi Deryn, thank you so much for picking the arm crossing – it didn’t sound quite right to me either but I couldn’t think of anything else. Describing body movement and hand gestures is definitely not my forte but I love the arms flailing around and the jabbing – I will change it in the main manuscript 🙂