Dream Weaver (scene 47/52) by Ben Hunt

  • : Fiction
  • : Some swearing and dubious writing

Comments

  1. Marilyn Weisman

    I think that the delightful part of Kate’s reaction to Saleem’s yacht and comparison to the Dream Weaver is the fact that she feels safe on the less ostentatious boat. The crass, over the top decorating of Saleem’s wants to compensate for what he is lacking in charm, honesty and several other attributes.
    It does seem that either Pierre is a great poker player or he knows more about Anais’ location than he’s letting on.
    One small thing caught my attention:
    As they stood there, Hector walked past them, keeping his gun aimed in their direction and without taking his eyes off them, he moved his foot in front of a low sensor panel to the side. The panel lit up and the tainted floor to double ceiling glass doors opened as Hector motioned them through.
    Did you mean ‘tainted’ floor or perhaps ‘tinted’ floor or ‘painted’ floor?
    Anyway, this was certainly an action packed nerve wracking scene and I can’t wait to read the next few episodes to see where this ends up.
    And who squealed on the big fish?

    1. Ben Hunt Post author

      Hi Marilyn, thank you so much for the feedback. And thank you also for catching the word jumble, I have corrected it in the main manuscript – it should have been ‘the tainted floor-to-ceiling double glass doors’. 🙂

        1. Ben Hunt Post author

          Ah, this is where the non-native speaker gets caught out! I can’t believe I’ve been saying that wrong all these years and no one mentioned it before! It should of course be tinted windows. Thank you so much for pointing it out – I have learnt something today (or relearnt I guess but at least this time correctly) 😊

  2. Peggy (PJ) Rockey

    I don’t disagree with the other comments about Kate’s response to the yacht, when what she should be responding to is the situation rather than the setting. Of course, it’s a spectacular setting, and you’ve described it really well, but that shouldn’t be key here. The second half of the scene was excellent – once the characters were all in place and began the dialogue, the scene came alive for me and I loved the escalating tension you created through dialogue and innuendo. Can’t wait to see how this goes. Great work!
    I hope you’ve recovered from Covid and are beginning to feel better.

    1. Ben Hunt Post author

      Hi Peggy, thank you for the really helpful comments and I apologise for the delay in getting back to you. I’m feeling much better, thank you but I’m now playing catch up with work and everything else. I’m hoping to get back on top of my reading this weekend and can’t wait! xx

  3. Natasha

    Hey Ben
    Similar to the comments above – loved the detailed descriptions of the boat but I felt Kate’s observation of its furnishings slightly consumed her emotional response to the fact that she basically has been taken hostage at gunpoint. Having said that, I do like how you’ve made the sleek clinical energy of the boat echo the cool menace of what’s happening on it.
    Saleem is well crafted and I have a feeling in second draft you may/ could expand on his inclusion more if you wanted .
    Very clever twist how you made Saleem ( an antagonist) unintentionally redeem Pierre’s motives for Kate – brilliant!!
    You’re pulling more and more twists and turns with the plot even as we race towards the end, very impressive.
    Wooohoooo- cant wait to see what you do!
    xxxx

    1. Ben Hunt Post author

      Hi Natasha, thank you so much for this really helpful feedback and I am so sorry about the delay in responding – work is seriously getting in the way of the more important stuff.
      I’m hoping I’ll be able to catch up on all my reading this weekend and I can’t wait to get back to Andromeda! xxxx

  4. SM

    Hi Ben,
    I had a tough time taking in the details of the overly decorated yacht with tasteless furnishings while Kate is being prodded along with a gun. Matt and Kate’s babbling is OK, but it made me think that they’ve had a gun pulled on them in the past. My suggestion is that Kate reviews the details of the boat as she appraises the possibility of escape or worries about where she could be stashed. That way we can take in the details of the appearance of the yacht but through the same lens of terror and rash planning that Kate would be using as she walks onto the yacht against her will.
    The tip-off and drugs being stolen are tantalizing mysteries. Great development.

    1. Ben Hunt Post author

      Hi Sudha, thank you for this super helpful feedback. I’m finding this ending so hard to write, it’s going to need an awful lot of rewriting. I apologise also for the delay in getting back to you. I have fallen behind on my reading but I’m hoping I’ll be able to catch up this weekend. Take care 🙂

  5. Deryn

    Hi Ben I can’t add anything to the comments already made – the descriptions of Saleem’s yacht are great, I want more wrought iron and gold plated taps and ‘ money can buy you everything except taste’ fixtures and fittings. I got Kate’s being impressed in a way but hating the ostentatiousness (ostentation?) of the boat but wonder if she would actually (under the curcumstances) long for the comfort of Dream Weaver – she longs for that because she’s unsafe not because she doesn’t like the decor of Sheeba. But a minor detail.
    I just KNOW Momo is waiting to save the day – or else he’s the real baddie and tipped the police off – so exciting. Super well done. x

    1. Ben Hunt Post author

      Hi Deryn, thank you very much and really good point – I have made a note and will rewrite Kate’s whole attitude to the boat, and also make it more ostentatiously tasteless 🤣
      PS I knew you’d all be missing Momo and his dancing speedos… xx

  6. Susanne

    HI Ben, great scene! I am amazed at all the detail in the descriptions of Saleem’s boat – do you have an existing boat in mind? It is so real. As to Saleem, I wondered why you describe his clothes but not his physique. Did I miss something in the earlier scenes? Anyway, I think it would be could if you could describe Saleem a bit more here. The way he talks makes it clear, he toys with people and I think I’d like to see that in his eyes, pantherlike movements etc. I can feel the suspense and really wonder how it will all be revealed in the end…

    1. Ben Hunt Post author

      Hi Susanne, oh you know, I just took a little walk around my yacht, making some notes as I went 🤣 Only kidding of course. Youtube is a wonderful thing, I watched loads of sales videos of superyachts, picking out the elements I liked best – so thank you for the ‘real’ comment, that made my day.
      Good point about Saleem’s physique, in fact, very good point. I was wondering myself how old he is as I’m not sure that I’m clear myself on him as a person yet so I’ll make a note to do something about that. If I run out of story before completing the five remaining scenes, I might even to a character development one of him, so thank you so much 🙂

  7. Becky

    Hi Ben, this is great, no need to be dubious. I don’t think it needs much reworking, and you’ve built lots of suspense here! I’m wondering who was the leak, and where the drugs went? And I’m hoping Anais is part of the plan and is safe somewhere with her set-up being part of the solution. I think Pierre knows more than he is letting on. I don’t think he’d be so dismissive about “his sister’s choices” otherwise. Well done!

    1. Ben Hunt Post author

      Hi Becky, thank you so much. I’d been isolating with covid for the last 2 weeks so I was wondering whether the plot continuation in this scene would read as foggy as my brain was when I wrote it. I’m so relieved it didn’t. Five to go, I can’t believe it, neither do I know how I am going to make the end work, but one scene at a time…still 🙂

  8. Adam

    Hey Bene – another great scene. There was one aspect that didn’t sit quite right with me – I was wondering if Kate’s reaction to the slick and polished nature of the boat was a little too admiring? I thought perhaps given her down to earth nature, that she would have seen it for what it was, kind of like a somewhere without soul, sterile, a shiny veneer and clinical, built on the suffering of others. All pimped up with little to truly admire. Where people were made to have fun, under threat. And even the art doesn’t quite sit right – expensive, clearly but lacking any real taste. I always imagine Jamie Packer (an Aussie billionaire with no friends, multiple ex wives and a penchant for expensive motor yachts) having a vessel just like this. Anyway, enough of my pov thrust on your excellent story. The dialogue that follows is strong, great that the Captain is redeemed, but seems Kate now has a bigger problem and Matt and Pierre are in real strife. And who was the source of the tipoff? Hmmmm. Momo to the rescue? Yeah nah. Look forward to the final installments

    1. Ben Hunt Post author

      Hi Adam, thank you for your spot-on thoughts about Kate’s admiration of the yacht. I have to completely agree with you. In the first draft, it was even worse so I tried to scale it back and make Kate yearn for the safety and cosiness of Dream Weaver but you’re right it needs to be much more than that. I’ll take a look at that in the rewrite, thank you.
      PS. I checked out James Packer after your comment and read he paid Mariah Carey a multi-million dollar ‘inconvenience fee’ after their very short relationship. The word inconvenience says it all…

      1. Adam

        He’s another truly gross man (who now is broken and sad – shows money cant buy you happiness) – we seem as a nation to be manufacturing men like him in large and endless volumes 🙁

  9. Martin

    Hi Ben

    High tension indeed. You cover all the characteristics of each of the players so well in this scene. The story is menacing, threatening and intimidating and although I haven’t read many of your scenes, it was a pleasure to read as it stands. Nothing to change from where I’m reading.

    Thanks for sharing.