Dream Weaver (scene 46/52) by Ben Hunt

  • : Fiction

Comments

  1. Natasha

    Hi Ben
    wow what a change in energy this scene had. Your description of the yacht in contrast to Dreamweaver gave the story an eerie almost sinister quality which I think is a great layer to add as we ramp up towards the end. I felt a sort of David and Goliath quality in your descriptions of the size discrepancies, as if a great shadow fell over the characters we’ve come to know so well over this year- making me ask the question ( so valuable at this point in the story) ‘How are they going to get out of this scenario?’. Its like Dreamweaver’s dark night of the Soul mirroring with Kate’s.
    I would have liked either some disorientating pace …or… more sensory description which you are so great at creating …. at the gun being pulled and put to Pierre’s forehead. Chilling and cant wait for the next one.
    xxx

  2. Marilyn Weisman

    Tension filled scene, working up to a smashing finale!
    One thing just caught my eye and I didn’t understand…little thing, but here it is;
    “Do you think the owner will let us have a look around?” Willow asked, patting her joint hands in excitement.
    “Patting her joint hands?” Don’t know what that means?
    Scary how much Saaleem knows about the crew! But that’s why he’s the Drug Lord, I guess?
    Wish I could just keep reading!!!!!

    1. Ben Hunt Post author

      Hi Marilyn, thank you so much for the lovely comments and for the pointer about the hand gesture. I find these tricky. I guess I meant she was clapping in excitement but I’ll give this some thought in the rewrite. Thank you for your help and for sticking with the story 🙂

  3. Deryn

    Hi Ben – excellent – craned necks trying to take in the enormity of Saleem’s boat, Kate trying to take in the enormity of the threat his being there represents, Colin like the proverbial bull in a china shop, Matt cool as a cucumber, Pierre trying to protect Kate – but where is Momo? Not looking for peace and quiet, that’s my bet. It’s all to play for. Such a great scene!

  4. Becky

    Finally! Saleem is in our midst. The big-bad antagonist will have his moment at last! I can’t wait to see what he wants with Kate and what will happen on the yacht with this cast of characters!
    I loved this line “Kate knew that a hot drink wasn’t going to cut it this time, not unless she could throw it as Saleem. ” and I loved how you had their heads tilt up to see the yacht, and the comparison to an iceberg and doomed boat. Well done!
    One thing to consider for the edit, I think Kate could do a better job of attempting to hold back the passengers. After the Captain told her “no matter what” she doesn’t seem to try to dispel their curiosity or distract them with something else, as I thought she might. Or maybe just show her flustered at her lack of time to come up with a distraction? Of course she’d be no match for Colin’s innocent curiosity and I agree that was a great way to get Kate onto the scene–chasing after Colin. Well done!

    1. Ben Hunt Post author

      Hi Becky, thank you so so much for all the lovely comments. I’ll definitely take a better look as to how Colin slips past her, thank you 🙂

  5. Nina

    Well done! Great move having Colin go off like that, right in character and perfect way to get Kate on scene. Lots of nice small touches building up to the dramatic finish. You aced it.

  6. SM

    Hi Ben,
    Great action-packed scene. You really feel Kate’s anxiety and her desperation to hide it. Yes, I think it would be very helpful to find out how Saleem knew Kate was on the boat while she seems to think that he doesn’t. That would add conflict and urgency to an already very tense scene.
    You plotted this scene so well and the tension ramped up at a perfect pace.
    I would consider one more sentence or a bit of information in describing Kate’s reaction to the gun…that was a shock and I wanted to see a little more of Kate’s fear when it came out.
    Great scene and really looking forward to next week. What a cliffhanger!

    1. Ben Hunt Post author

      Hi Sudha, thank you so much for this feedback. Yes, that’s really helpful. I do need to look at the whole situation there in the light of a continuous read. Saleem knows that Kate is on board because he engineered it through JP thinking her too naive to notice anything/ask questions about the tanks exchange (plus he has her passport and debt to use as leverage to keep her quiet) but of course Pierre messed that up on the very first night, mistakenly thinking she worked for Saleem and drawing her attention to the tanks. In my mind, Kate has worked out JP arranged to put her on board but she doesn’t realise yet Saleem was behind that decision and therefore thinks there’s no reason he should know she’s there. Anyway, that’s all very helpful and I’ll have to take a good look at this in the rewrite so thank you.
      Thank you also for the reaction to the gun, also noted for the rewrite. Thank you for all your help, I really appreciate it 🙂

  7. Adam

    Yep, been a while since Saleem was on the scene so was wondering at his demand to have kate join them given she has been in no way part of the deal from what I can recall. Perhaps that slime bag on the other dive boat could be weaved in someway as that would explain it and provide a more recent bridge between Saleem and the make up of Pierre’s crew? Just a thought. That said, a flying scene that demands the next page. Bring it on.

    1. Ben Hunt Post author

      Hi Adam, Saleem had given Kate an ultimatum – she had to come up with the money or she’ll have to work her debt off for him so whilst he’s here, he’s planning to collect his dues. This is why she’s so keen to avoid him. She’ll either be in Saleem or Matt’s debt depending on her choice. The scene where this happened was such a long time ago though, I’ll have to work out how to include reminders along the way or maybe rejig things…
      Same for the make-up of Pierre’s crew. Saleem knows that Pierre and Matt are here as he’d arranged for them to carry out the drug exchange on his behalf (their exact respective roles will hopefully become clear in the next scenes) but he’d also got JP to put Kate specifically onboard instead of the usual DM as he thought she was too naive to notice/ask questions (and also has her debt and passport as leverage in case she did).
      This is where everyone’s feedback is ever so invaluable in working out the elements that still need to be bridged, so thank you 🙂

      1. Adam

        Clearly I have a memory like a sieve – am sure in a standard reading all this would stay pretty top of mind but yes perhaps a few small indicators through the story, and Kate struggles with her plight (as that’s been all about romance and love rather than other shackles that bind her). Great stuff!

  8. Peggy (PJ) Rockey

    Oh my, poor Kate didn’t count on Colin’s eager curiosity, she obviously had no chance of keeping the guests upstairs and out of harms way. I loved the descriptions contrasting the Dream Weaver and the yacht, as well as the way you built the scene and mounted the tension, hearing Kate’s inner angst about Saleem, trying to keep the ‘guests’ corralled upstairs and the confrontation with Hector. The pace and dialogue are excellent, and the cliffhanger was perfect. Can’t wait for next week!!!

  9. Susanne

    HI Ben, what an action-packed scene! I am glad that Saleem appears, I had been wondering if we’d get to see the archvillain behind it all. Seems like you are preparing for quite a finale! The end of this scene is quite a cliffhanger – I can’t wait till next week! I am amazed that Saleem obviously knew that Matt, Pierre and Kate were all aboard. But I guess that just goes to show what a drug lord he is if he has that kind of intel.
    One minor thing for a quick-fix. I think in this sentence “Kate knew that a hot drink was going to cut it this time, not unless she could throw it as Saleem” it should say”wasn’t going to cut it”. Great scene!

    1. Ben Hunt Post author

      Hi Susanne, thank you for the early read and for the lovely feedback on the action! It’s new territory for me, so I appreciate it.
      Saleem did appear once before (scene 14 if my notes are correct) but that feels like a lifetime ago now 😉
      Your thought about how he knows all three of them are on board is very helpful. I thought I had revealed this but I might need to go back over the last few scenes and see how I can tweak things to make them clearer.
      Thank you so much for the typo too, I’ll fix that one right now! Six to go! 🙂