Arguments by India Rattler

Olivia was stunned at the words that had left her mother's mouth, jokingly. At least she hoped her mom had been joking.

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Member
1 month ago

A very relatable story. I felt the characters were convincing and realistic and the dialogues were on point.

One thing that could maybe be worked on is the chunks of ‘telling’. Like this : It wasn’t until breakfast with her parents and brother the next day that she began to wonder if her mom may have been right. It was a simple little task. Her dad handed her the inspector sticker to her car and said that she needed to put it on the car once Olivia and Paul left. Before she could response her dad suggested that he do it instead has Olivia wouldn’t.

Dialogue could have been used and body language, instead of just telling the reader what happened. Showing instead of telling would be a more personal, first-hand experience for the reader.

All in all a well-written piece. I for one, would like to see a sequel 🙂

Member
1 month ago

Hi India,

I enjoyed the story and the conflicts that you managed to portray.

There were a few times that I had t re-read sentences as the meaning was not immediately clear and I found your mixed use of mom and Anna a little confusing.

It’s nothing that another minor re-work won’t fix but it did break the flow for me.

For example, in the first paragraph…
she had to be ready to go by eleven-thirty for that was the time that Olivia’s mother would pick her up.

This was confusing because you were already talking about Olivia in the first person and you switched to third person in the same sentence.

Can I suggest something more like this…

“she had to be ready to go by the time her mother was due to pick her up at eleven-thirty.”

Thanks for sharing.

Member
1 month ago

Dear India. The situation you describe is very relatable and quite common. Many children grapple with parental criticism for a good part of their lives resulting in a lot of unspoken resentment and wavering confidence. If and when the confrontation occurs, it’s usually quite devastating. I think you have captured the MC’s tensions well and I could empathise with her easily. Thank you for sharing.
On another note, I think your text needed some editing for some avoidable errors in syntax and general expression.For e.g.Redundancy in “Mom’s own doubts” and “You didn’t even wear makeup, why!? Perhaps the ‘why’ could have stood alone with a question mark and the exclamation mark could have ended the 1st sentence.